Am I being a bit precious?

Talk to him.

That’s awful. He’s not treating you with the love and respect you deserve. You should have taken the cake out the fridge though, lit a candle and let your kids have some cake (ie don’t be passive). He needs a good talking to!

I agree. But there's a seven year old that neither of them has give a shit about and now the OP wants to game play further. She should have said to him you need to sort getting the cake out. If she's in a shit marriage, then she needs to get out not drag the kids Into their misery as well.

Oh God!!! This kind of behaviour towards a spouse really makes me grind my teeth!! Its a rotten example to your DC that he's setting. Rotten. One of the nicest times was going shopping with them and them enjoying choosing something for a parent's gifts, they delighted in it. You've given them that experience. Scrooge has not.

"I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything,"
Who told you that? FFS Yes you blooming well should!

I note that you get all the Christmas stuff and he certainly enjoys his presents! and handing out presents that YOU have brought into being. grrr.

My FIL once took it apon himself to give out all the presents in a feeding frenzy, chucking them at people to "get it over with," whilst the kitchen slave (me) was loading the dishwasher, couldn't wait a few blooming minutes. I only realised when I could hear him saying "Say Thankyou!" Blooming thanking him for the presents that I'd thoughtfully planned and queued to buy and paid for and wrapped! Also gave BILs DC some small fun presents meant for my DC ( which they insisted on keeping) and then slagged me off for "Not labelling everything properly." (Didn't need label as had special wrapping paper for each child and I was going to give them myself ) My reward was to watching them laugh opening them. Missed that. Bloody infuriating. After that we had to give DC all their presents in one go before meeting relatives, as just couldn't stand the interfering nonsense anymore.

I get the suggestions that you shouldn't buy your DH presents etc going forward... it would be satisfying, but that just plays into his Scrooge leanings and lets him get away with it. Why should you all sink to his miserable level and deny your kids the pleasure of celebrating family birthdays etc?

Unfortunately, you have to lay down the law.
"Its my birthday in x weeks. I have put a lot of effort into making your birthday special. Now I need you to do the same for me.
Here's the budget for the DC
Here's a list of suggestions but they are also allowed to suggest.
Take them shopping, buy together the card, suitable gift wrap (ie not last years Thomas the Tank engine wrapping).

This is what I do for you and it's time you realised what an effort that is and how disappointing it is when you just don't bother. It's a good example for the DC. They enjoy it. You might even enjoy it. You are not allowed to complain, moan about the cost or be otherwise grumpy about it when you are doing this with them. That is unkind to them.

In future you only hand out presents that you've been involved in. In future you will buy presents for your side of the family, and wrap them.

In return. I will continue to put the effort in to make your birthday special. I hope you think back and appreciate all the times I have done this before you say I'm high maintenance. It's not the person who's been faithfully making birthdays special who is high maintenance. It's the person who does absolutely nothing."
Ohh this was a triggering post. Rant over OP

Happy Birthday from me I’m so sorry that happened.

My partner and I have been together 20years one year I got nothing at all for my birthday, no happy birthday even spoken, no cake no anything. I opened my gifts and cards from other people and went out and got myself a cake and some plants and bits from a garden centre but drove there and back in tears. I was so very hurt as I make a lot of effort for everyone’s birthdays, I waited until half 11 at night for a meal or a surprise or for anything.

Its not happened before or since was just the one time and I’ve never had an explanation. For a while I contemplated moving out but I honestly had nowhere else to go and an elderly pet to also accommodate.

As I see you don’t get anything for Christmas either I think this is truly awful and personally I could not live like that being treated so badly. I would split up over this as children should not be seeing mummy being treated differently, so sad.

He has mentally designated present buying as your job. He will justify this to himself on the basis he thinks you somehow just automatically just know what to buy (as if it doesn't require paying attention to interests, doing research etc.!)

So, as PP have suggested, I would talk to him about it. As it's been going on so long he might not realise your hurt/disappointment.

But if after conveying your wishes clearly he still doesn't get with the programme I think you're in your rights to be petty. However instead of neglecting to buy his presents I'd go the other way and get myself something treaty and expensive. Spa treatment? Leaving him with the kids?

Who told you you aren't entitled to gifts and shouldn't expect anything?

It’s your Birthday! Of course you should expect something, you are his wife, the mother of his children.
He should want to spoil you. The fact that he doesn’t is worrying.
How does he show you he values you?

I would understand if he genuinely didn’t want to participate in gift swapping but he loves Christmas and is the first to put the decorations up and wants presents under the tree for himself and the children but I’m expected to use the joint account to buy myself something if I want anything and he’ll write on the tag and then give it to me with no idea what it is and then he plays Santa handing all the gifts out that I’ve bought.

He is such a cunt I can’t even say. Fucking hell.

This is not normal behaviour no. Is he very selfish?

This is just crap. Sit your DH down and tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you just didn’t bother for his next birthday bcoz you don’t know what he would like!

My DH is terrible at house chores and pulling his weight with the kids, needs constant reminding and even after doesn’t do much. But he provides very well financially and buys amazing presents. I always joke that is his saving grace. Before anyone attacks me, I also work full time in a professional job and am an above average earner, he is a high earner. But he always buys lovely thoughtful presents. And I always feel pampered on my birthday or christmas. We are not Christian but we do celebrate Christmas.

Definitely stop buying anything to him. Just do the same thing the night before and say just to let you know I haven't bought you anything. He can hardly complain.

i wouldn’t do anything for him. My dhs birthday is shortly before mine and one year we were struggling through with little children, I was on mat leave and exhausted, and he had a home made cake and his family around singing happy birthday, then for mine I had to make my cake with kids hanging off me, I’d booked myself a life drawing class, and he couldn’t even come home from work on fhe usual time. Came home 5 mins before I had to go, too late to sing happy birthday at all. I came home after and cried and told him how I felt. The next night he put candles on the rest of the cake at dinner and got the kids to sing, and he hasn’t been that crap since. Also, I’ve barely made him a birthday cake since till recent years when I’ve started getting the kids to make it, I have only got so much time and I’ll put my own baking effort into my own cake thanks, he’s a very lucky man as it is to have me baking with our children for him.

Stop getting him presents. Stop getting him gifts from the kids. Mirror his lack of care.

This sounds awful @thehelpfulghost

Are you a stay at home mum ? i.e. is there a massive imbalance in your relationship and this seeing you as staff approach to life is the tip of the iceberg?

Why do you bother getting this poor excuse for a husband a present from you?

This!

He's a miserable git.

When he's there, expecting dinner, I'd get the children together, get the cake from the fridge and three spoons, tell the kids it's cake for tea tonight and all dig in, singing "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me".

I divorced the shitty miserable uncaring wetwipe of an exH who did this the Xmas after I bought and wrapped my only Xmas present from him so that I wouldn't be embarassed in front of family on Xmas day. He is still a misery but I am much happier. New DP gets great joy from buying me lovely things.

Tell him how you fell and stop buying him a thing.

You are absolutely entitled to gifts and to be spoiled by your own family. Esp by the children you birthed and the partner you had those children and raise them with.

That's incredibly sad and teaching your children that you need not put the effort in for loved ones.

Apparently I'm hard to buy for, not sure why. However i'm always appreciative of PJ's, candles or running stuff. My DH will go for the safe option if I haven't explicitly mentioned anything specific but he'd never just not bother.

So give him a calendar for Christmas.

I have no words.

Find your anger OP. You are not being precious. Find your anger and tell him how shitty his behaviour is. The lack of care, and the playing Santa handing all the gifts out that you bought. Tell him that if he doesn’t care about you then you might as well be out of there. He needs to hear it, and he needs to hear it from you actually being mad about it not just sad. Because then he will probably turn it around on you. And this is not on you.
Don’t forget to remind him of him being happy to receive presents from you.

This is actually more sad than OP’s post.

This behaviour was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage to my kids' dad. I would always try to find him something not expensive but thoughtful. When the second Christmas rolled around with nothing at all for me to open, and then our tenth wedding anniversary he was working away so I sent a card to where he was staying and awaited the card/bouquet, then waited for him to come back in case he was bringing the card/bouquet (bearing in mind he was working away for ten days at a stretch, living in a hotel, leaving me with five kids aged under 8)...and I got nothing. That was the point I decided enough was enough.

So never think so little of yourself, OP, that no effort by them is rewarded.

Omg this was me last year, I did sit DH down and cried at the lack of effort and how it made me feel. That he put in effort when we first met and now he doesn’t even bother and why he doesn’t care about birthdays I do. I’m not asking for loads of expensive gifts, just a card and chocolate bar. Something thoughtful to show he still cares.

It’s changed more this year, he’s making more effort and it’s been lovely. Highly recommend sitting him down and talking about how you feeling but also giving clear instructions on what you want / expect