Am I being a bit precious?

First of all, so sorry to read of your miserable birthday and sending you belated Happy Birthday wishes for good things for the coming year. It can only get better when starting from a low place.

I'm scratching my head here and wondering what motivates some people or in this case, doesn't motivate them? Why on earth would he not get the cake out of the fridge, stick on a candle and sing Happy Birthday with the children? That's seems incredible to me. Of course I don't know what he's like or whether it's ineptitude or indifference but it seems mean spirited and almost like an act of ill will.

You are not being precious in the least. I would be very very upset about that in your place but then I don't know your relationship or his character. Not for the first time in my life I find myself saying I just don't understand people. Hoping something nice comes your way. It does happen sometimes out of the blue or things that seemed bad can be turned into good.

That is so shit. Just lazy & thoughtless.

Usually, I "pick" my own mother's day/birthday/Christmas gift, but this year on my birthday, I read husband the riot act. Told him after 18 years, he should know me well enough to pick something I'd like, by himself. He used to buy shitty, thoughtless gifts, then blame our young children (the kids picked it).

This year, I cracked the shits at having to pick or point out my own gift! No more

I used to have this with my husband, his family don’t really do birthdays, mine do. Once I explained that I really did expect presents and cards at birthdays, Xmas and anniversaries and it was a really big deal to me and upset me hugely when it didn’t happen he stepped up. He still needs a few pointers on presents at times and there’s been some interesting ones over the years 😂. Just explain it to him, if it’s not what he’s used to it will need to be spelt out to him! He needs to understand that if it’s important to you, it should be important to him too….

I don't know and obviously our circumstances are quite different, but I have been with DH for a very long time and we do this. I usually buy everyone's Christmas and birthday pressies, even mine and I wrap them all.... again even mine. DH never has any idea what's under the tree. But I love this though. I love the whole ritual and it scratches my shopping itch, which makes DH happy. Maybe that's what your DH thinks you like to do? At least, then, maybe (like me) you wouldn't get like a Steven Fry biography because one random day, five years ago, you mentioned something he said you thought was funny (I only read fantasy and horror and everyone knows that!! 🤣) 🙂

Thoughtless git shouldn't need coaxing or coaching on gift buying for his wife.

Many happy returns! I'm sorry you're not made a fuss of once a year :-( My DH who isn't very fluffy and not great at these kinds of things always gets something for me and used to take our sons to the shops to buy something for me when they were little. Everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday. I think you need to tell him how upset you are by this and say that it's important for your DC to celebrate you on your birthday. And for him to celebrate you too.

He fucking what? This is pathetic and unacceptable.

Have you ever said anything? You shouldn’t have to but have you?

I'd honestly leave him. Why stay in a relationship in which you are not valued, appreciated or loved? Tell him straight how it makes you feel, that it's disgusting behaviour and to shape up or ship out.

What would you tell your grown up daughter if she told you this about her own partner?….

Selfish horrible prick. OP shouldn’t have to tell him how she’s feeling he is a fucking adult with a fully functioning brain. He knows and he doesn’t give a shit. So sorry op, you deserve more x

I had this conversation with my husband after Christmas last year. I bought all of my birthday and Christmas presents for him to wrap and give to me because he “had no idea what I wanted”. Yet I managed to find and sort presents for his birthday and Christmas from me and the DC’s. I told him it’s like he doesn’t know me at all. Not even enough to know I’d recently broken my umbrella and could do with a new one, for example. I said it’s lazy and just an excuse because if he really put his mind to it he could think of something, even if it was small. If that was the level of effort he was going to put into my gifts then I would start matching the effort for his. Mother’s Day was better.

Stop buying him presents and see how he feels. It’s just laziness on his part.

That’s really hurtful behavior!!

10 years and he Doesn’t know what you want? That’s a very telling statement right there. He is basically telling you he doesn’t KNOW you. He’s not interested in learning or finding out. Behaviour is a language.

Ok fair enough. That’s different, and must be difficult for you both.

That doesn't work. He genuinely does have memory issues. He has some brain damage from a stroke as well. He sometimes misses zoom meetings even though he has reminders everywhere.

The best of men wouldn't do the minimum for their partner. That's a complete contradiction.

I’m not really one for a fuss being made of me, but one of the things that really got me down in a previous relationship was the total lack of thought put into birthday and Christmas gifts. Whatever took 2 mins to pick.

One of the things I appreciate in my current partner is that small or large, the gift is meaningful and shows that he really knows who I am as a person.

I’d never buy him a gift again. Spend the money on yourself instead.

This was heartbreaking to read. He sounds cruel and selfish, and rather like he still wants to be a kid with all the fun and none of the responsibility. He's your husband ffs.

My dad had his confidence knocked terribly with regard to gift buying very early on in my parents marriage. He put loads of effort into choosing a piece of jewellery for my mum, and when she opened it she made a face and asked if he'd kept the receipt. Returned the next day. He was crushed. For their next anniversary he bought her some gardening tools, and for the rest of their marriage (divorced now, lol) she would tease him in front of friends and family about how unromantic he was.

I didn't find this out until adulthood when he told me about it (😭) but it explains why 90% of the time he only gives either very dull practical gifts, or money. But never nothing. We live in different countries now, but he always sends a card for Christmases and birthdays, and if I see him for Christmas he will make a point of wrapping up a box of chocolates to go under the little tree for me. He doesn't even bother putting a tree up if I'm not there, but he puts one up for me because he knows I love it. And I appreciate it so much.

The point is, there is no excuse. Even a seemingly small gesture can have love and effort behind it.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation before our first Christmas and decided that, for the time being at least, we won't do presents at all. Less expense, less stress, etc. But on my birthday, my boyfriend brought me a cup of tea in bed, sang Happy Birthday to me, and surprised me in the evening by taking me to this lovely restaurant he knew I had wanted to go to. It's the effort that counts, and making someone feel loved and appreciated.

I just can't fathom how he can treat you like this. He must know how hurtful it is for you. There really isn't an excuse. There's been plenty of great advice on this thread, but for goodness sake when you sit him down and tell him how rotten he's made you feel over the years, do not under any circumstances let him make you feel that you're somehow greedy or materialistic or "precious" for wanting to be something other than the unappreciated Christmas servant.

Sending love!

You're not being precious but you shouldn't have said it was OK when he told you he hadn't bought you any presents. Of course he's an adult and it would be great if he independently showed love and gratitude by thinking about your birthday and Christmas but you are going to have to tell him how this has made you feel.

Calmly say that you will no longer buy him presents if he doesn't reciprocate. Two weeks before your birthday, maybe a month before Christmas, give him a list of things you would like. Make the list detailed and long enough that you don't expect everything on it, so you are still getting surprises. If you want him involved in shopping for gifts for the DC write some ideas for them too.

On Christmas day he gets to open one present from you for each one he gives you - don't let yourself be palmed off with "I thought you could buy yourself something in the sales".

He knows the pleasure he gets from presents and being made a fuss of. He is being unkind and selfish not to do the same for you.

This is unacceptable and I really feel for you. I'm 7 years divorced but xh and I still do birthday/Christmas/mother's and father's day presents and cards for each other for the sake of the dc.

Lay it out how you feel, and rein in the efforts you go to so he can see how it feels!

So he gets the starring role, all the glory, for handing out the gifts that you have bought?

I’d say he seems like a selfish narcissist and unless you state that it is simply not good enough, he will continue doing this. I’d hazard a guess though, that he displays this behaviour in other ways too - does he make the bed, pop on the washing unprompted, make you a tea/coffee when making his, turn over the channel without checking if you are watching something, voluntarily watch the kids and pop in at least once with paracetamol/drinks when you are ill?

If not, I’d suggest there is more wrong here that his behaviour on Monday.

Does he have a job? Is he a functioning adult? Does he need to be micromanaged in other aspects of his life? I suspect not.
has he never bought you gifts?

I am a very unexpecting person, I believe we aren't owed anything except basic things in life (like just common human decency) but the exception to that for me is you DH/DP who should be the one person who goes above the bare minimum for you.

They actively choose you because they supposedly love you and should act in such a way. If they can't be arsed to ever try and don't see the point in doing anything to make you happy then why even be together.

No this is not normal, stop buying and wrapping your own gifts. Tell him this is important to you, he's setting a bad example to his children and he needs to step up. It's really not difficult in this day and age to pick up a few nice gifts(Amazon?!) He needs to do better.