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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

162 replies

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:14

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueHal · 08/08/2024 00:05

Sinderalla · 08/08/2024 00:03

Can I invite him to my birthday? 😳🤷‍♀️

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I'll check if he's free 😃

OP posts:
LetsPlayShadowlands · 08/08/2024 00:04

Sunsetbeachhouse · 07/08/2024 23:47

Not everyone can afford 200 or 250... I'd say 100 is reasonable from a couple and a bride and groom shouldn't turn their nose up at that... imagine if it was 10 or 20 pounds as a gift... now then you might say that's cheap!

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Anyone giving any amount of money is not cheap. Wow, people are so entitled!

Sinderalla · 08/08/2024 00:03

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:14

I've noticed since day one my partner is very generous with money. From early on he bought me expensive jewellery to my embarrassment, bought gifts for friends and family and used the phrase 'it's just money'. He earns 15k more than me and doing well though not loaded.

He's at a family wedding by himself (I have very good reasons for being unable to go) and as he didn't have time to pick from their gift list he tells me is giving them money - £1000!

AIBU to find this insane? And to think the bride and groom really won't expect it? I find myself thinking about the future and how I'd really not ever want to spend that on a wedding gift if we were, say, married. He is so generous but it's too much sometimes.

Can I invite him to my birthday? 😳🤷‍♀️

SurpriseOzzy · 08/08/2024 00:02

£100 here sometimes £150

just back from a wedding
outfits for me and DC cost £400 DH wore a suit he already has
hotel rooms £300 for two nights
travel £120 (400 miles)
food etc for journey £100

so looking at £1k!

LetsPlayShadowlands · 08/08/2024 00:02

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

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'OK sorry but...'

You're not sorry, you're a materialistic judgy snob that looks down on people based on money. Hth.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:54

RicherThanYews · 07/08/2024 23:47

This thread has blown my mind. My uncle and his partner put a £5 in an envelope at our wedding, it seemed normal at the time but now I'm wondering where the fuck the other £995 went.

Oh come on, unless you got married 50 years ago, you can't have thought 5 pounds normal surely. If it's any time in the last 30 years (at least) it's kind of an insult, or being generous, a sign of being so skint that they would have been fine to give nothing.

xsquared · 07/08/2024 23:53

Wow. I'm gobsmacked at people turning the nose up at anything less than £150 as a cash gift.

It used to be the norm to have a wedding gift list with items ranging from £5 to £500, so that guests can select a gift within their budget. As long as the couple got what they asked for and not 10 toasters, they were happy.

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:48

That's the concern @theleafandnotthetree

Our first holiday, for example, was fine. We agreed on somewhere not cheap but somewhere lovely that didn't break the bank either. There were no debates about money.

But lately he seems to buy expensive stuff for the sake of it. And yes it does have me questioning whether I'd be under pressure to live in a similar way if we remain together.

OP posts:
Sunsetbeachhouse · 07/08/2024 23:47

Justtryingtofitin · 07/08/2024 23:21

Ok sorry but that’s a bit cheap. We got married recently and got at least £200 per couple. We usually give £250 and £500 if it’s family

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Not everyone can afford 200 or 250... I'd say 100 is reasonable from a couple and a bride and groom shouldn't turn their nose up at that... imagine if it was 10 or 20 pounds as a gift... now then you might say that's cheap!

RicherThanYews · 07/08/2024 23:47

This thread has blown my mind. My uncle and his partner put a £5 in an envelope at our wedding, it seemed normal at the time but now I'm wondering where the fuck the other £995 went.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2024 23:46

could literally finance a wedding or honeymoon

Not many.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:45

OneFrenchEgg · 07/08/2024 23:38

Isn't it a US thing to cover your plate? Maybe not all posters on the thread are UK based.

It's informally an Irish thing too. It's not overt but most people would be thinking about how much it costs the bride and groom to have you there and trying to more or less cover that. It's a much more thoughtful and mutually supportive dynamic than is being portrayed by some here, people are generally happy to go, know its bloody expensive and are happy to contribute via cash gifts.

Onemorefortheroad · 07/08/2024 23:44

We got married a couple of years ago and £100 was the norm, a few £50s and a few gifts but none of it mattered. We didn't ask for anything and wanted to spend the day with family and friends. The gifts were just a bonus.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:41

DaisyFloop · 07/08/2024 23:35

I don't think it's relevant. If you marry him and share finances it's different and you'll discuss what to give etc

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Of course it's relevant, different attitudes to money- including what to spend on non-essentials - can cause huge, sometimes insurmountable issues in relationships. I could never be with someone really tight but I would be equally uncomfortable with someone wasting money as a means of portraying themselves as Mr Loadsa.

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:41

No @justasmalltownmum he's from a Nordic country.

And the family he's visiting is American.

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 07/08/2024 23:39

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:22

I feel like £500 would still be incredibly generous but at least a bit more reasonable

Is he Asian? I find Asians are very generous at weddings.

OneFrenchEgg · 07/08/2024 23:38

Isn't it a US thing to cover your plate? Maybe not all posters on the thread are UK based.

Butteredtoast55 · 07/08/2024 23:37

I'm completely shocked that anybody thinks £100 as a gift per person is 'cheap'.
If the money is the gift towards a honeymoon (assuming that this is why there's a reference to a meal costing €80) then how is it your guests' responsibility to pay for your holiday?
Surely the idea of having guests is exactly that - you invite them because you want them to be there not as a financial transaction. If that's the case, most people wouldn't pay €80 for the meal they get at a wedding.
I think back to our wedding (a long time ago) and how delighted we were to get presents like a clothes airer and an electric whisk 😆

DaisyFloop · 07/08/2024 23:35

PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:29

@theleafandnotthetree being half Irish I know exactly what you mean!

You used the word I was looking for - it's extravagance.

A PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

I don't think it's relevant. If you marry him and share finances it's different and you'll discuss what to give etc

TeenLifeMum · 07/08/2024 23:33

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

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And I’d consider anyone hosting a wedding expecting that much to be grabby. I hate the “pay for your plate” culture. No, you host a wedding/party, the guests don’t have to refund you on top of all the other expenses they’ll incur coming to your big day!

recent cousin’s wedding for me, dh and 3dc
outfits £550 at least
petrol £200
hotel £600 (2 rooms incl breakfast)
gift £100

probably other hidden costs but their wedding cost us £1450 for our family and you think that’s cheap?! I didn’t even attend the hen do as I couldn’t get out of work.

Thankfully cousin isn’t grabby.

Mercury2702 · 07/08/2024 23:32

Yes it is a lot and seems eye watering to someone like me but I think it is understandable since it’s family.

I am inclined to think though that it isn’t any of your business if it’s his money but understand why you’d think about it long term but then think being with some generous is better than being with someone who’s a tight arse, as long as it’s not to the detriment of both your combined finances in the future

xsquared · 07/08/2024 23:30

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

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People are giving money as a gift, not to cover the cost of a wedding.

Portfun24 · 07/08/2024 23:29

That is alot, we'd give 250/300.

Original poster
PrueHal · 07/08/2024 23:29

@theleafandnotthetree being half Irish I know exactly what you mean!

You used the word I was looking for - it's extravagance.

A PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

OP posts:
Thesecretingredientiscrime · 07/08/2024 23:28

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2024 23:27

I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least.

Show quote history

Your friends aren't responsible for paying for your wedding. The celebration is on you.

Would you go to any other party and expect to pay for your drinks and dinner?

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