To think is over generous gift of money for a wedding present?

In your opinion it’s cheap. At our wedding (albeit 13 years ago). Most couples gave between 20 and 50. We live in northern uk for reference.
I would have for someone to have not come to our wedding for fear of being ‘cheap’. In our area £50 is fairly normal.

@theleafandnotthetree "I would consider anything less than 100 per person kinda cheap, only because the meal alone in most hotels is 80 euro at least"

So you're paying for your dinner? 😮

I thought £50 a couple was about standard. When we got married that was about what people gave. It was a reasonably fancy wedding. I don't really see it as them paying back for their meal, it's my wedding I'm paying for it. I see it more on the same level as a birthday gift. If someone had given us £1000, especially a cousin-level person I would have rang them straight away thinking there was a mistake. I would also have felt extremely uncomfortable about it.

Seems alot for a cousin, unless they are very close

Blimey, I think around £100 per couple is fine and perfectly generous. I did an online calculator thing recently that was based on a survey and it suggested that £100 per couple is well within the norm. I’ll try and find it to post it. A lot depends on how much to give including a balance of your own finances and what you can afford combined with your relationship with the couple. I have loads of cousins but am not close to them so I wouldn’t expect to treat them or have them treat me with an embarrassing degree of generosity. They are regular people and I’d feel really uncomfortable receiving such an insane amount even if they were multi millionaires because then it would seem a bit flashy and crass.

When dh and I got married twenty years ago we had an online gift list where the most generous gifts in it were worth £100 - equivalent to about £150 now. Most people spent today’s equivalent to £50. Even so, gifts weren’t expected and we certainly didn’t expect our wedding costs to be covered!

When did people get so grabby?

I bet this was probably one of the better weddings you’ve attended as well! We spent the equivalent 26 years ago, provided buffet food from the local supermarket, and apart from a glass of bubbly for the toasts (£5 corkage per bottle), everyone bought their own drinks.Even today, friends and family said it was the one wedding they really enjoyed because it was relaxed and not pretentious.

As for wedding gifts, you give what you can.

That's not true. Some people are generous. No way, someone like Op's bf would be buying his own child shoes from primark.

Does he have ADHD?. My ds has a diagnosis and he only thinks of the moment. He would happily give someone 1000 but would then be shocked if l didn't want to give him 200 as he is now broke. He is so generous but it's madness as he can't hold money. He is literally have it/ spend it. He has very little capacity to save. He would give me his last penny but struggles with the fact l won't give him my last penny. Its a huge issue and possibly the most negative aspect of his diagnosis. There are lots of positives.

Again I think it depends on closeness to the cousin and cultural traditions. When we got married, some family gave us that amount as a way to 'help' because we never asked for support or contributions. It was unexpected but also amazing. And then some guests gave £50 or even nothing which was also fine as they would've spent money to attend and given us a day. It just depends..

I too think £500 would be more appropriate.

My question is - how much does he earn and can he afford this?

To gift that much he must be earning around 150k a year? Even then 1k gift will make a dent?

is he debt ridden? Does he have a inheritance

But you should discuss these issues before the wedding to see if you're on the same page. Money is apparently the number one reason to divorce. It's good to have joint goals for the future.

Could it be cultural? We had family members gift us this amount for our wedding as in close aunties. English/UK only heritage I think standard is £50-100 per couple though, in that case YANBU. And in any case something you'd want to discuss (general finances) before getting married

I think it's too much to gift a cousin and at risk of embarrassing them. Different maybe if he were absolutely loaded and that amount was a drop in the ocean for him, but it sounds like he isn't. Also different if it were a closer relationship, eg sibling or niece/nephew/godchild, but again only if he could afford it.

It does depend on cultural norms also. Not sure how they do things in Nordic countries or in America. I'm in Ireland and the 'going-rate' seems a bit higher than UK judging from threads on this topic. Personally I'd give 200 euro to a cousin as a single person (£170 approx).

so what? as a wedding guest, it isn't my job to fund the party and cover my expenses. People usually spend money on clothes, travel ans accommodation on top.

Things have changed so much since we got married nearly 40 years ago. Then we didn't even have a list. We got some large presents like a nilfisk hoover le creuse casserole doulton ladies and China tea sets to an electric whisk and an electric knife. Money presents were rare. Biggest was a £50 gift voucher couple of £20 gifts. All these gifts were displayed in the house and when someone came with theirs you would display it and show them all the gifts received so far and go through the gifts explaining who had got what. Also providing tea and traybakes. It was a bit mad when you think about it now.
How times have changed. This was in NI
We did get 2 kettles 2 irons and 2 ironing boards oh and 2 toasters.

@PrueHal

It's estimated that financial problems contribute to 20-40% of all divorces. That means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money. Some sources say it's the leading single cause. Sobering thought.

Depend upon it, marriage isn't going to change your DP's feelings about spending. Whether or not he'd expect you to be 'extravagant' isn't the real issue, the real issue is that he will continue to be so. Because he doesn't feel he's 'extravagant', he feels that he's spending his hard earned money as he sees fit. Do you really think you'll convince him that he doesn't 'deserve' to spend what he wants? Because I don't.

And many people who feel they're entitled to spend their hard earned money as they please also feel that the number one reason to spend that money is 'themselves'. And so their families come second to their 'needs' and their hobbies. New golf clubs, of course, and the very best there is! Large cash gift to impress his extended family? Of course!! Little Junior needs new shoes? No, his old ones look like they will still do. Oh, they have a hole? Well, take him to Primark, he doesn't need Clarks he'll grow out of them too soon.

You need to think very carefully and have more than one frank discussion before you even contemplate marrying this man.

You have to talk to him.
Does he want to save up for a mortgage? A pension?
What are his financial goals? Do they align with yours?

Marriages generally fail over money or sex. Being on the same page regards money is so, so important.

I gifted my youngest sister £1k at her wedding; money was tight for them, and I wanted them to be able to treat themselves to something nice or just alleviate some pressure.

As another poster said, it’s all relative to the relationship they have. It’s clear that gift giving is his love language, and I think until you share your finances, you can only really make suggestions on whether you believe the gesture is “appropriate” or not…but also appreciate that it’s his money to spend as he wishes.

😂😂

My thoughts exactly! Think the username is very apt ....

It depends how close he is to his cousin.
We gave my brother in law £500 when he got married and that was 20 years ago.

Wow yes that's a lot! For my cousin a couple of years ago we gave £50!

PP is right that it isn't really any of my business what he spends on his family. But this is a serious partner I am considering marrying. I don't really want to live an extravagant lifestyle. How would he have reacted it this was a joint gift and I didn't want to give that much?

I think it's very relevant to think about.

I think it is not only very relevant to think about, but it is very important to talk about.

You are young, and you are at a stage where you are thinking about settling down together, so presumably talking about buying property together. You need to know that saving for joint goals is something you are on the same page about.

It's none of your business if you had just met, but it very much is your business if you are going to be spending the rest of your lives together.

The fact you mention he earns £15K more than you, doesn't suggest to me he is on £150K or something, when 'disposable income' would be different than it is for most people your age.

we do £100 but it's been that long from I've been at a wedding it's prob a £150 now.