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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed with DH

59 replies

margas · 07/08/2024 19:49

Hi all

DH has a history of not telling me things. (To him unimportant/ little stuff but to me very important)

He tends to exclude me out of decision making when it comes to his mates / his family / his work etc

Just found out that we had been invited to one of his friend's birthday and he said we couldn't attend. (Made the decision without me)

It's not the first time ... he accepts or declined invites without telling me first. I would most likely agree with his decisions but I'd like to be involved in the process of making the decisions if that makes sense ..

Same with all of his family .. gifts are being bought & cards without telling me or asking if I think it's a good idea etc.

We have been married for 10 years this September and it has always been like this... I have addressed it many times before that it makes me feel unimportant but we keep finding ourselves having the same arguments..

Am I overreacting? Or should I be involved ..

OP posts:
2sisters · 07/08/2024 20:59

margas · 07/08/2024 20:30

I honestly think you should re read everything.... it's not about me getting involved in his decision making. He can absolutely arrange his own life...

Show quote history

I totally understand. I just disagree. I think he should be able to unilaterally decline invitations from his friends and family. Accepting them is a bit different because he should check if your free, if it's convenient and if you have anything planned already. Likewise, I think he should be able to buy whatever shit he likes for his people (within reason budget wise).

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2024 20:57

Presents/cards for his family, surely he doesn’t need to even tell you? The invitations are a different matter, he definitely ought to be telling you/asking your opinion if you’re also invited.

Goldcushions2 · 07/08/2024 20:53

Is it a general symtom of you feeling excluded, superfluous to his life?

lovenotwar149 · 07/08/2024 20:38

Interestingly , you tell him such things? In my relationship BOTH tell each other things like that, it works for us . We're not codependent, we have many individual hobbies as wells doing some things together , but we keep each other informed...we are both interested in each others lives

lovenotwar149 · 07/08/2024 20:35

I COMPLETELY agree with you OP. Its called communicating in my book. I was def have a conversation with my DH if he kept such things from me, but turning things down on your behalf having not even told u about the invite . Not nice , not respectful

anywhichone · 07/08/2024 20:31

Dh buys his families gifts I get mine. I might ask what he got but I don't expect to be told.

If we were invited to an event I'd expect dh to mention it even if he didn't want to go but ultimately his call.

Original poster
margas · 07/08/2024 20:30

2sisters · 07/08/2024 20:29

YABU. Leave him to arrange his own life and buy his own gifts. I don't think he needs to consult you on everything. My DH will say do we have any plans on X day. He's not asking but he's checking that I don't already have plans and am able to have the kids.

I honestly think you should re read everything.... it's not about me getting involved in his decision making. He can absolutely arrange his own life...

OP posts:
2sisters · 07/08/2024 20:29

YABU. Leave him to arrange his own life and buy his own gifts. I don't think he needs to consult you on everything. My DH will say do we have any plans on X day. He's not asking but he's checking that I don't already have plans and am able to have the kids.

xyz111 · 07/08/2024 20:21

I get what you mean. There's nothing more annoying when someone says "ah sorry you couldn't make the party" and you reply "what party?" The gift thing for his family wouldn't bother me. My DH and I are responsible for our own family gift/ card buying.

YellowMeeple · 07/08/2024 20:21

I am realising from this that other people have very different relationships- if I told DH that I had bought my mum a birthday present that day he would be waiting for me to tell the story of the exciting thing that happened while I was doing it! Neither DH or I would ever mention any of the things you are upset about, I’m really struggling to understand what’s upsetting you so much, surely you both make dozens of decisions every day without consulting each other?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 07/08/2024 20:12

margas · 07/08/2024 19:56

I get he's the invited one & like I said .. I would most likely agree with his decisions of going or not going .. but I wished he came home and said "hey we were invited to x party .. I don't want to go so I'll turn it down"

It's just that he doesn't tell me ... it's about the communication aspect.

Why does he need to tell you? You're only invited as a plus one to him, otherwise you'd have had your own invitation.

Original poster
margas · 07/08/2024 20:11

@Cotonsugar & @Ineedaholidayyyy

Thank you!! I started thinking I might be the only human in this universe that needs communication in a marriage 🙈

OP posts:
Cotonsugar · 07/08/2024 20:10

cupcaske123 · 07/08/2024 20:04

So you want to be kept informed of all invitations, all cards, presents and his family events even though you're not involved in them and aren't attending them?

Show quote history

🙄

Cotonsugar · 07/08/2024 20:09

margas · 07/08/2024 19:57

Judging by the comments .. I definitely didn't express well what the issue is.

You did express yourself well. I think it’s odd too that he doesn’t mention these things. A partnership means sharing surely? It’s something to talk about and agree or disagree about. More “odd” that people think it’s normal to not share ideas about gifts (of course it’s up to the partner to buy/choose gifts). If you want to do everything by yourself and make every decision by yourself then why be married? There seems to be a deliberate misunderstanding of what you’re trying to say here. I’m with you on this😊

Ineedaholidayyyy · 07/08/2024 20:09

I agree with you OP , it's basic communication.

Original poster
margas · 07/08/2024 20:07

HolyStyleFailBatman · 07/08/2024 20:03

I'm totally with you op. It is about communication, completely. You're living together! Why doesn't he just tell you in passing, oh, I got a birthday card for my sister, or whatever it is? It's very weird not to just mention these things day to day, and I think I would feel excluded if he wasn't sharing with me. Even though it doesn't make a material difference

This is all I was trying to say ... I just would like him to mention from time to time. If I am invited to a friends party.. I would mention the invite to him. It's just part of communication & not control.

He can buy his family whatever he wants. I just wish when I say "hey how was your day" he could reply with " was lovely .. I bought my dad a present for his bday .. all sorted. "

That's all ..

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 07/08/2024 20:04

margas · 07/08/2024 19:59

@cupcaske123

No I wouldn't .. I think you missed where I said I would agree with him. I just wished I knew about the invite from him not from his friends

So you want to be kept informed of all invitations, all cards, presents and his family events even though you're not involved in them and aren't attending them?

HolyStyleFailBatman · 07/08/2024 20:03

I'm totally with you op. It is about communication, completely. You're living together! Why doesn't he just tell you in passing, oh, I got a birthday card for my sister, or whatever it is? It's very weird not to just mention these things day to day, and I think I would feel excluded if he wasn't sharing with me. Even though it doesn't make a material difference

Izzymoon · 07/08/2024 20:01

margas · 07/08/2024 19:58

They are all mutual ... also his family is my family too .. the way I see it ..

Show quote history

Sure, but ultimately no it’s still his family. It’s weird that he can’t buy a card or gift for his sibling or parent without you feeling like he should have asked you first.

Catza · 07/08/2024 20:01

margas · 07/08/2024 19:59

@cupcaske123

No I wouldn't .. I think you missed where I said I would agree with him. I just wished I knew about the invite from him not from his friends

No we didn’t miss that but this makes your desire to be involved in the discussion even more unreasonable. Why do you want him to check in with you if neither of you want to go?

Izzymoon · 07/08/2024 20:00

margas · 07/08/2024 19:56

I get he's the invited one & like I said .. I would most likely agree with his decisions of going or not going .. but I wished he came home and said "hey we were invited to x party .. I don't want to go so I'll turn it down"

It's just that he doesn't tell me ... it's about the communication aspect.

I genuinely don’t see what difference it makes if he tells you he turns it down vs doesn’t tell you about it since he wasn’t going and therefore it’s pretty irrelevant.
Unless you think it’s not just his say and you should be making those decisions, but in all your examples that would be unreasonable.

Original poster
margas · 07/08/2024 19:59

@cupcaske123

No I wouldn't .. I think you missed where I said I would agree with him. I just wished I knew about the invite from him not from his friends

OP posts:
FatmanandKnobbin · 07/08/2024 19:59

margas · 07/08/2024 19:56

I get he's the invited one & like I said .. I would most likely agree with his decisions of going or not going .. but I wished he came home and said "hey we were invited to x party .. I don't want to go so I'll turn it down"

It's just that he doesn't tell me ... it's about the communication aspect.

What difference would that communication make?

He got an invite from his friend, he doesn't want to go, why does he have to run it past you first.

He should run it past you if he wants to accept and for you to attend, or if there's dc involved that need arrangements made, but otherwise it seems pointless.

cupcaske123 · 07/08/2024 19:58

margas · 07/08/2024 19:56

I get he's the invited one & like I said .. I would most likely agree with his decisions of going or not going .. but I wished he came home and said "hey we were invited to x party .. I don't want to go so I'll turn it down"

It's just that he doesn't tell me ... it's about the communication aspect.

What would happen if you disagreed with his decision? Would you force him to go?

Original poster
margas · 07/08/2024 19:58

HoppityBun · 07/08/2024 19:57

”he accepts or declined invites without telling me first” people are assuming that these are from his friends and family only. If they’re from mutual friends or include ones from your friends and family, then that’s wrong

They are all mutual ... also his family is my family too .. the way I see it ..

OP posts: