To still be annoyed with DH

If you're in a relationship, and you get a bd card for a family member, and don't tell your parter, how do you get them to sign it? Or do you just sign it on their behalf, like kisses from this person who hasn't even seen this card? Or do they send a separate card? I know this isn't a question for the OP so I should probably start a new thread, but I'm very firmly on the telling your partner stuff side of things. I can't imagine not telling them that I'd turned down a social invitation or that I'd bought someone a present,. In most cases the present, like the card, would be from both of us, so we'd have to talk about it!

I don’t think we are missing the point at all! Where in the original post is anything mentioned about feeling awkward hearing about invitations 2nd hand… every single issue raised by the op is about him making the decision or not running things past her first even though it’s his friends/family. It’s quite clearly a control thing. Do you have your own friends OP? Even the gift buying is about him not asking what the OP thinks before he buys them…the DH is being treated like a child not capable of deciding anything himself. I do agree, where it’s a mutual friend he should mention it in case it comes up in future conversation but that doesn’t seem to the case here at all….its his friends!

I'm completely on your side here, I don't think people are getting your point!
My mother in law will invite my husband and I to do something, he will say no which is FINE but then when it's brought up again 'what a shame you're not coming to the party's etc, I feel a fool because I know nothing about it.
My husband is terrible at communicating and now my mother in laws talks to me directly about plans or family events :)

If they are all mutual friends and family invites and he declines without consulting then it could be quite controlling. Does he go to any parties? Start telling people to let you know as you keep missing out on events and to send you the invite as well.

as for the buying gifts for his friends and family then be grateful it’s not on your list of things to do. My husband had no idea what I buy his parents

“I'd like to be involved in the process of making the decisions”

you contradict yourself. In your original post you said you wanted to be involved in the decision making.

so many people on here complain about their partners leaving all this kind of thing up to them and not being independent, it’s refreshing to hear that men are capable of taking responsibility of their own friends and family.

Would you run every decision past your husband? Because I would imagine that just becomes tedious. Expecting him to let you know he’s declined an invitation so you aren’t left on the back foot if the friend mentions it… fine… involving you in his decision making… no, he’s a sentient adult capable of making those decisions for himself.

“He tends to exclude me from the decision making “
”he made the decision without me”
”I’d like to be involved in the decision making process”

Please stop pretending this is about communication OP…everything you said in your initial post would suggest it’s about control. You even say it relates to invites from HIS friends, HIS work, HIS family but now suddenly they’re mutual? You’ve changed the narrative because people found you to be unreasonable.

I get what you mean, and i agree with you. DH does his friends and family. I do mine. However, i do tell him if we've been invited somewhere and ive declined and the reason behind it, likewisewith him. Nothing worse getting caught out! Atleast then, if something is said we are able to support each other!
I also like to know what hes bought so that i know if were going to be in trouble i.e his parents (they have high expectations with gifts) but also so that again neither of us look silly if we dont no what we are as a couple gifting people. Again, nothing worse than someone thanking you or mentioning a gift which im assuming has your name on it and not having a clue. Call me controlling but i see it as being assertive and showing that we are a team!

So you're complaining about something that a lot of people wish they're husband would do - buying cards/presents, making decisions about things etc.

YABU.

If you're married or in a long standing relationship this is surely the right way to be. My ex and I didnt agree on much but we always supported each other with family events, presents, key decisions. I would offer to help with his family, he would help me with mine. It just depended who had what going on. And yes the relation would take the lead on navigating the family stresses but we worked as a team. I wouldn't be happy about only hearing about an event after it had been declined. And no it wouldn't be about applying pressure to go. But there was one event - a major big wedding anniversary. I did step in there when I found out that neither my ex nor his sibling were going to do anything. But my intervention was more to get the celebration going rather than deciding precisely what should be done.

No one is saying she should. The compromise is that they each make concessions, but he isn't making any concessions. I think perhaps there's a misunderstanding of the word 'compromise' because to say someone is 'making all the compromises' doesn't make sense. It's someone making all the concessions.

I think a compromise would be that DH tells DW about the invite and they decide together. Or at least if DH says no he can still tell DW as she may still want to attend.

From the OP it reads like they're his mates and OP is just being invited as his plus one rather than being invited as an individual?

Maybe I'm wrong.

@Didimum yes I know, that's what I said? Or at least, it's what I meant.

My point was that OP shouldn't expect to have every single thing run by her just because that's what she wants.

And sometimes you want to go to a party!!

Agree.

Just found out that we had been invited to one of his friend's birthday and he said we couldn't attend. (Made the decision without me)

This would be quite embarrassing, imagine standing there and everyone is talking about the party that your DH declined that you wasn’t even told about. I think a compromise would be that DH tells DW about the invite and they decide together. Or at least if DH says no he can still tell DW as she may still want to attend.

That's not what 'compromise' means though. It's them meeting at an agreed middle. If one person is making 'all the compromise' that is not a compromise. At the moment DH is having is all his way and OP is having it none of hers. Hence – he needs to compromise.

I’m assuming there are more examples but I do understand your point OP. I think a lot of posters are forgetting you are married and have been for 10 years. His family are also your family, mutual friends parties etc should be a joint decision. I wouldn’t decline or accept without speaking to DH. Even if I didn’t think we could go / want to go I’d still tell him and decide together.

The buying cards and presents thing, that wouldn’t bother me personally. I don’t ever consult DH when I buy my family gifts nor does he consult me. I think you are one of the “lucky” ones not to have a DH that can’t remember to prepare for his own parents / siblings birthdays.

I don’t know if he will change, I mean you said he’s always been this way. It’s frustrating, and maybe tell him to just consult you a bit more as you’d appreciate that.

As long as he isn’t hiding big things that would genuinely affect you I would just let this one go.

@Didimum I meant long term if she wants his behaviour to change, they'll have to agree to meet somewhere in the middle rather than have him make all the compromise.

What compromises is she not making with this issue? Her DH is doing as he pleases on all of it so far.

@Didimum shouldn't she also have to make compromises?

There are lots of ways to be a couple, but it's an issue if one half of the couple feels like they are being ignored. Everyone has their expectations, it's her DH's job to listen to them, consider why she has them and then make compromises.

There are lots of different ways to be a "couple" though 🤷‍♀️

It would genuinely never occur to me to discuss my mums' birthday present with him - in fact, I think if I did he'd wonder if I was losing my marbles 😂

Equally we've always kept our friendship groups fairly separate so OP's comments about their social life and discussing invitations just don't resonate at all.

Hmm... there's a lot of women who complain that they're expected to remember birthdays and other special occasions on their DH's side as well as their own and organize the gifts etc. - I think you are B a bit U on that one. Many would be grateful. Maybe not so much on the social stuff (although even then, if it's people you characterize as his friends rather than mutuals. . .)

You expressed yourself fine, OP. As usual it seems to be MN being deliberately obtuse. It sounds like you just want to be included in his life and your mutual social outlook, which I think is absolutely fair enough. A couple are a social unit.

The present and card part for his own family, that's fine, let him to do it, assuming he let's you know what he has got so you don't look daft when someone thanks you for the book you didn't know you had got.

The invites out I don't know. I'm guessing most people on here would say you're unreasonable because over time I've noticed people on here barely leave their house and like to keep their friends and family seperate from husbands friends and family.

If he's turned it down, not told you and you didn't want to go anyway, fine. If you still could have gone without him, not fine.

But I'd also be annoyed if he also accepts invites and you're also told that your going out, even if you don't want to (as I expect most people would be on here)

She's only invited because she's married to him though - unless OP is saying she'd happily leave him at home and go out with his mates by herself?

M