AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

I wouldn’t want to hear anyone telling me they don’t want to see people breastfeeding whilst I was trying to establish it-grandmother, step grandmother or whoever!

If you are really close to your
grandad-ring him and talk him through your worries now.

Grandad, I’m really looking forward to you coming to stay but I am aware that I’m
not going to be up to sightseeing or giving you guided tours and really want to focus on establishing breastfeeding and and want you to be aware that this might involve me having my boobs out!

Really try and limit visits on days 3/4 when your hormones go mad and your milk comes in. I was ridiculously emotional and know quite a few friends really struggled with it too.

My mil was in hospital 10days with hers- waited on and night nurses doing all wake ups. She couldn't understand why I, 7hrs postpartum, kicked her out of my house when she'd been there 4hrs. Thought I was rude for wanting to sleep after laboring for 3 days!

You need to set expectations and explain how important the first few days are for recovery. Say the midwives suggest limiting contact for the first few weeks or something- say because of a covid strain or whopping cough going around or something.

Also with a homebirth you have lots of visits in the days after- never with a set time, midwives and support people just turn up and then you have to take baby to hospital for a check after a week or something.

I'd suggest saying they should come 2 weeks after the birth- say they'll be able to stay longer and you and baby will be around more.

Oh god we had this.

They turned up at the hospital while we still had a baby in nicu wanting photos.

I wasn't impressed.

I couldn’t give a shit if my dad’s step mum disagreed with breastfeeding and wouldn’t want to hear her views on it just after I’d given birth!

I didn't want any visitors at all. I felt very unwell in myself. When family did come, I hated it. All but my mum that is (who actually helped a bit). I think having visitors soon after the birth of a baby can be really traumatic for some mothers.
Don't arrange for them to come. The opposite. Then if you do feel well, and happy for visitors you can suggest it at the time - when you know how you are.
You are very important. How you feel is very important. Don't feel rushed or like they are owed an early visit, they aren't owed anything. Just wait and see before committing to anything at all

If your dad isn’t close to them and your mum and DH have your back, I would t worry about pissing them off.

I would send a message saying you are happy to have them to stay but want them to remember that you’ll just have given birth and won’t be doing any sightseeing or guided tours! Did your dad’s step mum give birth? Or so, ask what she did in the weeks afterwards!?

My in laws arrived too soon after one of my babies were born. Im much older now, I was much more of a people pleaser in those days. They were lovely, but they came too soon. I didn't advocate for myself enough then. I do now!

Just don't tell anyone when the baby is born - wait for a couple of weeks. Sorted!

You are not being unreasonable. I would def say something sooner rather than later. Its AOK to put yourself first in this example. Its your birth and your baby. They can come at your convenience imo. Be firm. You sound very fair to me

Get them a bus timetable and a map, marking off spots you've spoken about, and let them crack on.

Tell them you're looking forward to them coming as you have a list of jobs for them to do all ready to give them.

During your grandmother's time being a mum, her baby would have been removed from her and put in a room with other babies to scream until she passed out.
They would be given strict feeding times (think zoo feeding times where everyone gets a view) and told not to breastfeed over 6 weeks because it spoils the baby.
After at least a week of being trained to ignore their baby until 3pm and 7pm and then 7am they would be discharged home where they would have dinner for their husband and catching up on laundry and house guests dropping in to play with newborn whilst mum does everything else.
You may need to review their visiting times and how long you allow them in your home/tell them to meet at their rentals so you can leave when you need to.
You will be bleeding and navigating all that goes with that, and need to be in bed breastfeeding to rest and bond.

I would suggest saying something along the lines of - “oh it’s so nice you’re all coming. I’ll look forward to you visiting me and the baby at home while we get feeding established and start to get the hang of being parents, and Mum / Dad [ie their child] will be able to show you round the sights once you’ve all had enough of cuddling the baby / talking to us sleep deprived new parents”.

have some lines prepared, make sure you and DH have each other’s backs and get your mum on side too.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I had three home births, in part because my mother in law insisted she would come to hospital and wait through my labour, against my wishes and that ‘I wouldn’t care when the time came’. So I booked homebirths and announced that anyone who turned up uninvited would have a long wait parked on my driveway. No one turned up, obviously. You, and only you, decide what you’re up to and when in this situation. Good luck with your home birth - I loved it and was bouncing afterwards.
*to add, MiL and I are close and get on well 17 years later - this was just something we couldn’t see eye to eye on so I took firm action. I love her very much.

God I couldn't wait to show my baby off to everyone and planned for everyone to come round with a day or two of his birth.

Then I actually gave birth, didn't leave the house for a week and told everyone they could come for an hour or two and had to bring food 🤣

The only people who actually stayed longer were my parents because they were actually helpful (my mum stayed for the weekend) and my MIL who traveled for 3 hours and stayed for 4 days but again, very helpful and all very happy to wash up, walk the dog, take baby whilst my husband and I napped, cook food and generally just wait on us hand an foot.

I was full of ideas about where I'd go for my first walk with baby when he was 7 days old. I was full of it, suggesting to my mum we stomp over the other side of the estate to the shops and she was not impressed 🤣 I made it to the end of the road and had to come back because I was shaky and knackered.

I mean each to their own but you're not BU and I would absolutely start laying the ground rules!

How bonkers and self important of them! What on earth will her issue be with you breastfeeding?!

I would be 100% knocking this on the head.

Very presumptuous of them.
You have zero idea how well you will be.
I hopped out of bed showered and not a bother on me after all of my births, so really lucky, but there is no way I would have tolerated a single visitor staying over in the weeks that followed, much less being tour guide.
The early weeks are shattering with lack of sleep and I found breastfeeding stressful and difficult.

I couldn't have coped with being imposed upon.

I totally would delay the announcement as long as was necessary.