Page 3 | AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 23:30

wellington77 · 07/08/2024 23:29

If you don’t feel confident saying anything, could your parents do it on your behalf?

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My dad and my aunt (my grandads kids) definitely would say something. I think I might recommend that my aunt and grandparents come at the same time so that she can usher them out if they’re overstaying their welcome.

OP posts:

wellington77 · 07/08/2024 23:29

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:05

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

If you don’t feel confident saying anything, could your parents do it on your behalf?

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 23:28

snackatack · 07/08/2024 23:05

You could wait a week before having visitors

I'd advise 2 weeks - but you will never regret holding that baby close and not letting people in

Certainly if you have a home birth do not tell anyone till everything is tidied up and you have a good clean up .. get your OH fully on board with this before the event

Yes I will definitely make sure I’m cleaned up and as I play on having a birthing pool I don’t want people over whilst that’s still up😂.

OP posts:

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 23:27

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/08/2024 23:04

Someone else in your family needs to tell them they cannot come. (Or even your DH!) This is ludicrous. I was happy to pop and see people for half hour here and half hour there soon after my DC were born, but I didn't want ANYONE in our home.

It was our little sanctuary, and I found people coming round (particularly uninvited) invasive, irksome, and intrusive. Especially seeing as how some people don't seem to know when to fuck off home, and stick around for 4 or 5 hours! Your grandparents can't come @kfellover and it's bonkers for them to think they can!!!

I’m fine with people coming over. I’d prefer that than having to visit people. As long as they don’t stay for long and don’t expect me to host them I’m more than happy for them to come over. Obviously if that changes after birth then I will tell them I’d prefer not to have people over but as of now I’m fine with it.

I will make sure DH knows I only want short visits so if people are overstaying their welcome he can make sure they leave.

OP posts:

Notellinganyone · 07/08/2024 23:18

alteredimage · 07/08/2024 22:34

My ante-natal class teacher advised dealing with early visitors by staying in bed. Some won't understand that though you have been discharged from hospital you are still recovering. If you are in bed they will automatically make you cups of tea, not vice versa.

My midwives for DC 2 and 3 basically told me to stay in bed for a week and I mostly did. It’s important to rest and recover.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/08/2024 23:10

They might know your due date - but your due date might well not be the date the baby arrives. He/she could be two weeks early or, like one of mine, nearly three weeks late.

You tell them the baby has arrived when YOU want to. Your due date means nothing really.

snackatack · 07/08/2024 23:05

You could wait a week before having visitors

I'd advise 2 weeks - but you will never regret holding that baby close and not letting people in

Certainly if you have a home birth do not tell anyone till everything is tidied up and you have a good clean up .. get your OH fully on board with this before the event

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/08/2024 23:04

Someone else in your family needs to tell them they cannot come. (Or even your DH!) This is ludicrous. I was happy to pop and see people for half hour here and half hour there soon after my DC were born, but I didn't want ANYONE in our home.

It was our little sanctuary, and I found people coming round (particularly uninvited) invasive, irksome, and intrusive. Especially seeing as how some people don't seem to know when to fuck off home, and stick around for 4 or 5 hours! Your grandparents can't come @kfellover and it's bonkers for them to think they can!!!

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 22:58

Lavenderandbrown · 07/08/2024 22:43

Op may I suggest…i AM breastfeeding and need time and privacy to establish this. (No “planning to breastfeed”

is whooping cough still a concern because I distinctly remember my Dsis being immunized BEFORE meeting baby?

this is your first baby? You will
do great but sometimes birth can take unexpected turn…what if you end up deciding to go to hospital? Labor at home or hospital is physical work. You will be tired. They cannot expect you to do anything postpartum
i read somewhere don’t even offer so much as a glass of water

lastly…DNan knows nothing about modern breastfeeding or parenting. Kindly but very firmly put a stop to this advice immediately.

breastfeeding takes a bit to work. I found myself most discouraged at 3- 4 weeks…not days. And then suddenly at 5 ish weeks it became simple. Same with bleeding it went on a long time and then it was like a faucet had been turned off. I had unmedicated births with no tears or episitomies I walked and used birth ball and I still was so sore and the damn hemorrhoids (piles?) were the worst.
Oh and….no event planning. If they can’t google someone else can for them. They can pop by to lay eyes on baby and then off they go to their sites but not you not baby

Thank you, I have changed it to “I will be breastfeeding”, will send it tomorrow morning.

I don’t think anyone needs to be immunised for whooping cough before meeting baby.

This is my first baby, if I decide to go to hospital I can imagine it would be much easier as family wouldn’t visit until I got home. I think because I’m having a home birth they think I’ll just be right as rain straight away.

I will put a stop to Nans opinions about breastfeeding, I just don’t want her to be making comments straight after I give birth as I know I might be too emotional to be level headed in my responses.

Thank you for all your advice it’s really helpful!.

OP posts:

mitogoshi · 07/08/2024 22:50

If they are coming a distance, trying to get them to delay for 3-4 weeks mays sense. My parents came after a month and I was able to host, entertain, even went on a little road trip (I lived overseas) but i couldn't have done that for the first few days (and I was young and had very easy births)

Lavenderandbrown · 07/08/2024 22:43

Op may I suggest…i AM breastfeeding and need time and privacy to establish this. (No “planning to breastfeed”

is whooping cough still a concern because I distinctly remember my Dsis being immunized BEFORE meeting baby?

this is your first baby? You will
do great but sometimes birth can take unexpected turn…what if you end up deciding to go to hospital? Labor at home or hospital is physical work. You will be tired. They cannot expect you to do anything postpartum
i read somewhere don’t even offer so much as a glass of water

lastly…DNan knows nothing about modern breastfeeding or parenting. Kindly but very firmly put a stop to this advice immediately.

breastfeeding takes a bit to work. I found myself most discouraged at 3- 4 weeks…not days. And then suddenly at 5 ish weeks it became simple. Same with bleeding it went on a long time and then it was like a faucet had been turned off. I had unmedicated births with no tears or episitomies I walked and used birth ball and I still was so sore and the damn hemorrhoids (piles?) were the worst.
Oh and….no event planning. If they can’t google someone else can for them. They can pop by to lay eyes on baby and then off they go to their sites but not you not baby

Noseybookworm · 07/08/2024 22:39

I think it's fine to have family visit in the first few days, not for long visits though, couple of hours is fine! Stay in your pj's and make it clear that you're resting and recovering. Visitors or DH can be in charge of teas and coffees, you park yourself on the sofa and don't move! Hopefully they will be thoughtful enough to bring food, a couple of homecooked meals to put in your fridge/freezer would be brilliant! If you need to, don't feel bad about saying I'm going up for a rest/bath/feed baby and take yourself off if it's all getting a bit much. Remember your milk will come in around day 3 and you can often feel hot, sweaty, tearful and uncomfortable. Do what feels right for you and don't worry about people being offended. They should be there to help and look after you, not expecting to be entertained.

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 22:36

alteredimage · 07/08/2024 22:34

My ante-natal class teacher advised dealing with early visitors by staying in bed. Some won't understand that though you have been discharged from hospital you are still recovering. If you are in bed they will automatically make you cups of tea, not vice versa.

That’s a brilliant idea actually!. I think it would really limit the time they would stay too. I might just do that.

OP posts:

alteredimage · 07/08/2024 22:34

My ante-natal class teacher advised dealing with early visitors by staying in bed. Some won't understand that though you have been discharged from hospital you are still recovering. If you are in bed they will automatically make you cups of tea, not vice versa.

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 22:16

Love51 · 07/08/2024 22:11

I just wanted to share OP that I had visitors to my home the day after I'd given birth, and it was great. I was basically still flying high off all the hormones. A few days later and I would have struggled more. People in DHs immediate family had extended family visiting, I was "oh yes, bring them, haven't seen them in a while" and I have really happy memories of that day. Having said that, they did all sod off out of my house, which they might be reluctant to do to a hotel..
I'd either have people immediately or wait 2 weeks. Not day 3/ 4, those are emotional days!

That’s what I’m planning to do I think. If I feel well enough then I will have them over the day after baby is born, but if I’m not then I will leave it a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

Love51 · 07/08/2024 22:11

I just wanted to share OP that I had visitors to my home the day after I'd given birth, and it was great. I was basically still flying high off all the hormones. A few days later and I would have struggled more. People in DHs immediate family had extended family visiting, I was "oh yes, bring them, haven't seen them in a while" and I have really happy memories of that day. Having said that, they did all sod off out of my house, which they might be reluctant to do to a hotel..
I'd either have people immediately or wait 2 weeks. Not day 3/ 4, those are emotional days!

sleepandcoffee · 07/08/2024 21:55

I find that older people tend to think that as you have been released from hospital then your absolutely fine , they forget in my experience that they would have spent a week in hospital after giving birth on bedrest !

I would be putting their visit off for a couple of weeks if they are expecting to see you lots and be go out and about .

Takeoutyourhen · 07/08/2024 21:49

Even the sanest families can go a bit bonkers when a new baby arrives. Sense of entitlement seems to go through the roof!
Give yourself time to recover.

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 21:46

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2024 21:42

"I think I will leave it a good few hours until I’m a bit more settled and the house has been clean etc."

A few hours?! You will have just given birth! You might be very lucky and feel fine, but you might be in no condition to do anything much.

If they push back, the two of you will need to be firm. No staying over (which basically would mean you'd have to wait on them). No expectations that you'll take them out and show them around. That's ridiculous.

You'll be at the very least sore, bleeding, extremely tired and looking after a newborn 24/7. It's tough, even if you have an easy birth and an easy baby. Your relatives should be looking after YOU, not the other way round.

I meant a few hours until I let them know that the baby had been born. Obviously I would leave it longer before they visited, but I will definitely make sure DH and I are on the same page and that we set our boundaries with the family.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2024 21:42

"I think I will leave it a good few hours until I’m a bit more settled and the house has been clean etc."

A few hours?! You will have just given birth! You might be very lucky and feel fine, but you might be in no condition to do anything much.

If they push back, the two of you will need to be firm. No staying over (which basically would mean you'd have to wait on them). No expectations that you'll take them out and show them around. That's ridiculous.

You'll be at the very least sore, bleeding, extremely tired and looking after a newborn 24/7. It's tough, even if you have an easy birth and an easy baby. Your relatives should be looking after YOU, not the other way round.

StartupRepair · 07/08/2024 21:33

Good message. Even with hopefully a smooth birth you will be utterly focused on the baby, establishing feeding, dealing with heavy bleeding , feeling massively emotional and exhausted. I couldn't have taken people sightseeing anymore than I could have run an Olympic race!

Bignanna · 07/08/2024 21:26

kfellover · 07/08/2024 21:22

Does this message sound okay to send into the family chat?. Is it assertive enough?.

Hi everyone, as I’m getting closer to my due date I just wanted to make sure everyone is aware of the plans for coming to visit.
When I feel ready for visitors I will let you know and we can arrange for when you can come over. As I’m hoping to breastfeed and will be spending my time recovering and bonding with the baby I won’t feel up to going out, but I can send you the info for the best places to go/eat so that you can entertain yourself when I’m not up for having people over.

Yes, that’s fine. They should have realised that you wouldn’t be ready to be a tour guide for a long while.

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 21:22

Does this message sound okay to send into the family chat?. Is it assertive enough?.

Hi everyone, as I’m getting closer to my due date I just wanted to make sure everyone is aware of the plans for coming to visit.
When I feel ready for visitors I will let you know and we can arrange for when you can come over. As I’m hoping to breastfeed and will be spending my time recovering and bonding with the baby I won’t feel up to going out, but I can send you the info for the best places to go/eat so that you can entertain yourself when I’m not up for having people over.

OP posts:

StripeyDeckchair · 07/08/2024 21:21

I can tell you now that there is absolutely no way you will be going out and showing anyone around the area.
You'll only want them in the house for limited visits because you won't be running around making drinks & feeding them - in fact as family, they should be doing that for you.

Email/ text GPs & DPs now saying whilst your excited about introducing them to your baby you want to be clear now

you won't be doing any showing around the area
you won't be doing any catering
baby & you come first so you won't be tied down to a timetable

Original poster

kfellover · 07/08/2024 21:05

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2024 21:03

I wouldn’t want to hear anyone telling me they don’t want to see people breastfeeding whilst I was trying to establish it-grandmother, step grandmother or whoever!

If you are really close to your
grandad-ring him and talk him through your worries now.

Grandad, I’m really looking forward to you coming to stay but I am aware that I’m
not going to be up to sightseeing or giving you guided tours and really want to focus on establishing breastfeeding and and want you to be aware that this might involve me having my boobs out!

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That’s a really good idea thank you. I think I will send a text to the family group chat just so it doesn’t seem like I’m only targeting them as I know he can be quite sensitive, just reminding everyone that I won’t be up for going out or hosting lots of people.

OP posts: