AIBU to tell my grandparents that I won’t be entertaining them?

JustBec · 04/09/2024 16:13

Congratulations! I’m so glad you got your home birth, family were supportive and you have your lovely baby boy!

viques · 04/09/2024 15:00

Congratulations on your new addition. (And excuse me while I cross my legs at the thought of a 9 pounder!) I hope you are feeling a bit more comfortable and are enjoying the wonderful early days .

And excellent timing too, he will be the eldest in his cohort in school, and ready for a September Reception start - though you don’t need to think about that now, and it will mean more in 5 years time, a few more milestones to get through first.🙂

Balloonhearts · 04/09/2024 13:16

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:32

She disagrees with it. Well she disagrees with it past 6 months and she disagrees with ever doing it in front of people, even if covered up.

Show quote history

Never mind, missed update. Congrats on your beautiful baby boy.

StartupRepair · 04/09/2024 13:05

Congratulations! What a lovely update. Glad the family visit worked out ok. Hope you are getting bits of rest where you can.

Original poster

kfellover · 04/09/2024 12:53

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all as you were so kind and gave me some really helpful advice.

Our beautiful little boy was born on the 2nd of September. He is absolutely wonderful. I managed a home birth like I wanted and it went really smoothly, although the was nearly 9lbs which wasn’t expected!!. He was born in the very early hours, by midday I’d let family know and they turned up in the evening. They stayed for an hour or so, brought lots of food and presents and then entertained themself for the rest of their visit other than seeing us again quickly before they left. They were brilliant and it all went really smoothly. I stayed in bed the whole time and think that really helped them to manage their expectations of what I would be doing.

I’m so thankful for all of your advice and looking back and laughing now that I thought there was even the slightest chance that I would want to be a tour guide😂. I was in labour for nearly 30 hours and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, I can barely manage walking from my bedroom to the en suite let alone around town😂.

Thank you again for all your help and advice.

OP posts:

tuttuttutt · 17/08/2024 10:12

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

You should have just said no to them visiting if you knew what they were like. It's major surgery and you would have needed rest and recovery. Any other surgery this wouldn't have been expected.

Boomer55 · 16/08/2024 16:59

Tell them that you’re quite happy for a home visit, as that’s no strain, but that you cannot go charging around visitor sites.

Original poster

kfellover · 16/08/2024 16:54

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

Bloody hell that sounds awful, I’m so sorry you went through that!. My family definitely wouldn’t be that bad but as you say it’s good to stick to your boundaries.

OP posts:

Kskinner648 · 16/08/2024 06:30

My grandparents did the same thing to me. My grandmother called me a few weeks before my planned c section with my 3rd child and said they'd be coming to stay with us. They planned on arriving the day I was scheduled to have my baby. I told my grandmother it wasn't a good time. She said they'd wait.
Their "wait" was 2 days. They came into town 2 days after my c section. My grandmother was appalled at how rude I was for being in the hospital instead of home to greet them. My doctor wanted me to stay another day for medical reasons but I told her I needed to be at home. I did not want my husband having to deal with my entitled grandmother on top of running the household in my absence. My grandmother had always been rude to him, so I wasn't dumping that on him.
We get home and settled in. My pain meds had worn off that point and I was really struggling. I almost lost it when my grandmother asked where she and my grandpa would be sleeping. I suggested a hotel. She told me she assumed I'd be giving up my bed for them. I firmly told her no. She was mad but said she'd get a hotel room.
She then told us to take her and my grandpa to see the town. She refused to sit anywhere but the front seat. With the carseats, that left one seat in the middle row for an adult. My grandmother said my grandpa was absolutely not crawling over the seat to the third row. I ended up being the one to do it.
They ended up going to a hotel for a few nights but were at my house every waking moment of the day. It was a relief when they went home.
I then found out my grandmother called her entire side of the family to tell them what a horrible host I had been. At that point, I could only laugh.
I know this is a long comment, but I hope it serves as a warning to new moms. Draw your boundaries early. Stick to them.

T1Dmama · 15/08/2024 18:00

Saytheyhear · 07/08/2024 20:34

During your grandmother's time being a mum, her baby would have been removed from her and put in a room with other babies to scream until she passed out.
They would be given strict feeding times (think zoo feeding times where everyone gets a view) and told not to breastfeed over 6 weeks because it spoils the baby.
After at least a week of being trained to ignore their baby until 3pm and 7pm and then 7am they would be discharged home where they would have dinner for their husband and catching up on laundry and house guests dropping in to play with newborn whilst mum does everything else.
You may need to review their visiting times and how long you allow them in your home/tell them to meet at their rentals so you can leave when you need to.
You will be bleeding and navigating all that goes with that, and need to be in bed breastfeeding to rest and bond.

What culture is that?? My Nan (98)
mother (71) sister (52) and myself (47) all breastfed…. No rules about not breast feeding after 6 weeks…. That’s bizarre

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 13/08/2024 08:04

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/08/2024 23:04

Someone else in your family needs to tell them they cannot come. (Or even your DH!) This is ludicrous. I was happy to pop and see people for half hour here and half hour there soon after my DC were born, but I didn't want ANYONE in our home.

It was our little sanctuary, and I found people coming round (particularly uninvited) invasive, irksome, and intrusive. Especially seeing as how some people don't seem to know when to fuck off home, and stick around for 4 or 5 hours! Your grandparents can't come @kfellover and it's bonkers for them to think they can!!!

This is so, so weird.

Soonenough · 12/08/2024 20:43

Tell your father to be their tour guide . It's his parents not yours.

Original poster

kfellover · 12/08/2024 20:35

HormonalRollercoaster · 12/08/2024 19:35

have you read the lemon clot essay? I was against visitors and stood my ground - this essay helped when there was any pouting. I shared it far and wide and think anyone expecting a baby or intending to visit a new mother should read it too.

"The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don't want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father's parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, "honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge bloodclot coming out"... in front of them? Contrast that to "mom, I need your help please, now, I'm bleeding all over!" Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it "guest-level clean" every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can't use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it "guest-level clean" every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that's great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying "it's no big deal", and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your dh think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that's great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can't nap?

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

Edited

Thank you for this, it’s definitely made me think about boundaries. I will make sure I’m not pushed to do anything I’m not comfortable with.

OP posts:

HormonalRollercoaster · 12/08/2024 19:35

have you read the lemon clot essay? I was against visitors and stood my ground - this essay helped when there was any pouting. I shared it far and wide and think anyone expecting a baby or intending to visit a new mother should read it too.

"The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don't want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father's parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, "honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge bloodclot coming out"... in front of them? Contrast that to "mom, I need your help please, now, I'm bleeding all over!" Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it "guest-level clean" every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can't use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it "guest-level clean" every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that's great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying "it's no big deal", and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your dh think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that's great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can't nap?

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

AliciaSoo · 12/08/2024 17:38

waterrat · 08/08/2024 19:38

Whrn my first was born my midwife gave me golden advice. She said....if you want to breastfeed your world has to shrink to you and your baby.

I think a major reason BF rates are so low in the Uk is the insane expectations put on mums post partum to be up and about hosting cooking entertaining looking after toddlers etc.

In traditional cultures mum is in bed for the first couple of weeks and women ij the family step in to cook clean and take turns to take the baby so mum can rest.

If you think any visitor will interfere with or even comment on your feeding of your baby .. there is literally no space for thst person in the first weeks of your baby's life

**This!
I'm due in three weeks, my sister and her family, along with my parents are coming over now for a week and all staying at my house, which I love. But then my sister and her family will leave and my mum and dar are going to stay with over for a couple of months. They'll help around with cooking as well as my other two little boys.
They've been fantastic with the births of my other two children and I just have the confidence in them.
We were very clear with DS1 that he wasn't a toy. No visitors (except PIL) for a few weeks until immunity perks up for baby. And definitely not holding baby if you are unwell/cold/sniffle, I don't care. Babies immunity takes a while to kick in even if you're breastfeeding.
Having a little one being passed around? I've seen tooooo many poorly babies because if this :(

Manthide · 12/08/2024 17:27

@PeepDeBeaul so glad dd1 who recently had her first baby didn't give me a list of dos and don'ts! She wasn't my first grandchild and I have had 4dc, one still at school. My dd1 trusts me with her baby - both her and her dh are doctors.

OhYeahOhYeah · 12/08/2024 16:28

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:46

I think I will send a message into the group chat with something along the lines of that and suggest a hotel that is close to the touristy areas so that they don’t need me to show them around.

DH definitely has my back, he’s ready to stand at the door and not let anyone in if I I ask him to bless him😂.

Show quote history

Ughh no you’re not being unreasonable at all.

First off, you don’t know what your birth will be like, what sort of state you will be in and allllllll that goes with having given birth.

I would send a very clear message to all, to tell them that you will let them know when it is ok to see you, at home, and not before.

I was very clear with my husband that when baby two was born, that the very first person to meet her was her big sister, so she didn’t feel left out. And guess what, despite in laws being told this in no uncertain terms, they were sitting in my driveway when we pulled up from the hospital. I was absolutely fuming, felt really unwell and they didn’t leave. I took the newborn upstairs with me and locked the bedroom door.

I got accused of being selfish and rude. They quickly learned how rude I could be!!

Stand up for yourself xxxx

Madamum18 · 11/08/2024 15:49

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:32

She disagrees with it. Well she disagrees with it past 6 months and she disagrees with ever doing it in front of people, even if covered up.

Show quote history

Bully for her! In response to any comments tell her:

:Ok. If yu dont like it/a uncomfortable grandma then I suggest you leave the room until I have finished!" ..."No I'm quite comfortable here thanks; I'm not leaving but you are welcome to if you feel happier to do that than to stay"

"I am not going out to take you on visits this time. Its lovely to see you but my priority is "baby" at the moment so I suggest you spend ....doing what you want to. It will be lovely to see you on ...day and I'll make sure we have some Bits and Bob's in to eat"

All said calmly ....and use broken record when tod you are talking rubbish or whatever ...prefaced with "Yes you have told you your views/wishes. However ....." 💐

Original poster

kfellover · 09/08/2024 14:42

Thank you for the advice everyone, especially advice for the home birth. Everyone seems to be okay with the plans so hopefully it stays that way.

OP posts:

Packetofcrispsplease · 09/08/2024 12:12

Oh my goodness!
I had 3 relatively “ easy “ births and there is no way I’d be a tour guide 🙄
I think your grandparents generation ( well I’m guessing) are from the time you got a rest in hospital for a few days and babies were taken to the nursery and bottle fed or delivered to mum just for a breast feed then taken away again .
I did have relatives come and visit for the day when my 3rd was very small , they did expect lunch but didn’t expect me to show them the town 🤪

Butwhybecause · 09/08/2024 11:40

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/08/2024 19:18

"Hahaha ha, I'm afraid I'll be recovering from childbirth and busy feeding and looking after a newborn baby 24 hours a day. I won't be going anywhere or getting off the sofa for quite a while. Maybe another time"

"Sorry, don't feel like going out today after all. I'm absolutely shattered, there's the baby, she's fast asleep, just been fed/changed. Can you keep an eye on her, I'm going up for a couple of hours sleep. Oh, could you hang the washing out, wash up, clean round the kitchen, peel the veg for dinner. A cup of tea in a couple of hours would be nice. If she wakes up, just pick her up and soothe her. Lovely to see you 🙂".

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/08/2024 11:34

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/08/2024 19:18

"Hahaha ha, I'm afraid I'll be recovering from childbirth and busy feeding and looking after a newborn baby 24 hours a day. I won't be going anywhere or getting off the sofa for quite a while. Maybe another time"

Perfect!

OhMaria2 · 09/08/2024 01:01

kfellover · 07/08/2024 19:05

I’m due to give birth to my first baby at the end of August. I live quite far from family and they have all decided when the baby is born they will travel to us and stay nearby for a few days so that they aren’t travelling a lot in one day. That’s fine by me.

However, one set of grandparents have never visited before so this will be their first time. They’re treating them coming up as if it’s a little holiday for them and aren’t considering that I will have just given birth. They keep talking about how I will be able to show them places that I’ve spoke about etc. I’ve told them that I might not be up for that depending on how the birth goes and how I’m feeling, so if they want to do stuff then they need to plan it themselves, but they don’t seem to be listening to me.

It’s really been stressing me out. I’m happy for them to see the baby and to come over for a little while but after that I’d prefer for them to entertain themselves and I’ll join them if I feel up to it. Plus I want to breastfeed and I don’t want to have to cover myself up/take myself to another room whilst I’m still establishing it, but I know my grandmother will have lots to say about me breastfeeding. I also plan on having a home birth and I’m worried as soon as I announce that baby has been born they will be on their way and not give us time to settle in like we would if we were coming home from hospital.

WIBU to tell them they’re more than welcome to visit when I feel comfortable with it but if they plan on staying for a few days they need to entertain themselves?. I feel like this isn’t unreasonable but my grandmother has made a couple of comments about how I’m being precious and it’s got in my head a little bit and just want to make sure I’m not being unfair.

Get them to come another time. I wish I'd been more assertive with my mum. I was a wreck after my c section and her disappointment with how she thought it was going to be vs the reality of the visit led to some unhelpful behaviours and comments. We're still not as tight as we were because of it.

Fraaahnces · 09/08/2024 00:46

Just to make it very easy for everyone - including you and DH, make sure you have some lovely hand soap and towels (plenty of them - or paper towels if that’s easier for you), in the kitchen as well as every bathroom. Previous generations will eyeroll a bit and treat it all as “Precious Firstborn Syndrome” but you need to remind them that COVID wasn’t a thing when they had babies and there are a lot more people around than ever before, so a lot more viruses. No faces near babies is a very good rule.

Gems2k · 08/08/2024 23:32

I would 100% set ground rules. I had at home water birth btw, it was amazing and so relaxing. One tip is to print out a sign saying home birth do not disturb that your DH can pop on the front door so the local delivery man doesn’t knock and disturb you. As for visitors I sent a message to all my closest friends and family as my due date drew closer politely asking them not to ask if I’d had the baby yet, that I would tell them all when she was here and when they could visit. I also had a visitation “tax” I asked my visitors to bring a meal with them that could go in the freezer such as bolognaise. That was a life saver we were given so much delicious food that we could just chuck in the microwave. I failed to meal prep before giving birth. The only person who turned up without invite was the grandmother of my step son. A lady who id never met and isn’t welcome in our house (long story) otherwise friends were allowed to visit after a week and with invite only. Family were earlier. My mum was actually at the birth and stayed over the first night. I highly recommend this aswell. She was a superstar.