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Original poster

Childcare - is she being a CF?

268 replies

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 16:55

DH and I both work full time, but he’s off on a Thursday when he looks after DD who is 2.

SIL works 10-4 Monday to Friday and has so far avoided paying for any childcare for 10 year old niece by getting the neighbour to watch her..

Anyway the neighbour can’t do tomorrow or Friday so she has (just) text me to say please could DH have her tomorrow and I have her at home with me Friday (I WFH). I have work meetings but she said oh don’t worry she will just watch tv.. DH thinks she’s being a complete CF. I feel guilty for potentially saying no and leaving her in the lurch but also pissed off that I’m essentially paying for childcare for DD and looking after someone else’s child.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Hecatoncheires · 08/08/2024 11:53

@Hardknocks You are a kind and steady presence in your DN's life, which is incredibly valuable. She must love you very much for being there for her. You sound a really nice person. All the very best to you.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2024 11:34

I would get DH to say something about sorting suitable childcare. This is batshit.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 08/08/2024 11:10

OP, you are a lovely aunt. Your DN is lucky to have you and it's very valuable for her to have the safety of your home as you've identified. It sounds like she may need your support - even if it's just emotional - in the future and you have the experience to help.
Totally reasonable to be annoyed at your brother and SIL though. I truly hope they don't make your DN feel like a burden (even unintentionally).

Original poster
Hardknocks · 08/08/2024 10:50

Panic over anyway, brother text me at 7am to say he’s decided to take the day off, so all that drama for nothing.

OP posts:
Pirateshipmethinks · 08/08/2024 09:12

OP said neither of them drive @diddl.

diddl · 08/08/2024 07:48

Plus I don't know any tradesman
Esp self employed who cant drive

It's SIL who doesn't drive.

But you'd think Op's brother would at least be offering to drop his daughter off!

Noseybookworm · 07/08/2024 23:14

Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 17:01

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed. She’s my brothers wife, DH is taking DD to see his mum Thursday so really can’t expect him to take her too, so essentially she would be at my house watching tv for 2 days which isn’t good for anyone. However SIL is practically begging saying she can’t take the time off work yadda yadda.

She also doesn’t drive so needs me to pick her up and drop her back each day 🙄 hate being put in this position. I love my niece and she really is no trouble but she needs more interaction than being shoved in front of a screen all day.

Just say it's not possible as you're working and it would be too much of a distraction to be responsible for DN, you really need to concentrate on work meetings. If your SIL is not happy, that's her problem. It's not your job to sort out her childcare.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/08/2024 22:44

diddl · 07/08/2024 21:15

because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone

Hmm.

That's nice.

My thoughts as well @diddl

Does sil want Social services round ?

Emotional blackmail at its finest !!

Plus I don't know any tradesman
Esp self employed who cant drive

How on Earth does he run his business and get to job to job to quote and actually work

Or has he lost his license as you mention he's a heavy drinker

MermaidMummy06 · 07/08/2024 22:22

It's a hard one. She's manipulated you by saying she'll leave DN home alone. It worked. It'll happen again. She's already figured out your weak spot because DN needs the stability.

My friend pulled similar with her MIL, who ended up looking after DC more than 50% of the time, including school pickups, activities, nights during the week, every weekend etc. because friend figured out how to manipulate her with desperate pleas (was SAHM). If MIL couldn't, she'd contact me, hinting how desperate she was. I felt bad, but wasn't taking on more (her DC were hard work).

Shit parents will always find others to look after their DC.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 21:26

I know @BuggeryBumFlaps and she knows I find saying no hard because we adore DN, and unfortunately as a child of two alcoholic parents myself who didn’t have that support system or person to look after me, I feel as though I’m looking after the little version of myself - as bloody stupid as that sounds.

Anyway, I digress from the point of the thread. Let’s see what happens next week.. but I’ve vowed to DH to put my foot down, so I will.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2024 21:25

It's often the case that shit parents have people helping them to carry on being shit parents.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 07/08/2024 21:22

I suspect she pulls the 'I'll have to leave her alone with the neighbour which is why she's been getting free childcare. I strongly suspect the neighbour has now put her foot down and refusing to help.

You are very kind op but this won't be the end, you and your dh are moving plans and taking time off work to look after your dn when it should be her parents that are taking time off and moving plans, even if it did mean losing money. I'll bet my bottom dollar she asks again next week

Original poster
Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 21:16

@diddl yes - hence why we look after her most weekends, to give her a break from shitty parents!

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2024 21:15

because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone

Hmm.

That's nice.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 07/08/2024 21:13

I just want to clear a few things up.

I have absolutely no issue in looking after her. She’s lovely, easy and always has been (despite the unfortunate volatile circumstances at home).

What I have an issue with is being text at 4pm the day before to say they have no other option and can I do it. I was asking if others would find this a bit cheeky or if I was being unreasonable in feeling annoyed and if the same thing happened to you how you’d feel before I responded to her.

I work in a role that isn’t customer facing and a lot of it is purely admin/email based so I could plonk her on the sofa and pop down to check on her when I make cups of tea. BUT I was asking if 2 days of screen time is ok for a 10 year old, and what other options there are for her to entertain herself. I have a 2 year old and have zero ideas about 10 year olds, or their capacity to look after themselves. Hence why I was asking if it was feasible to WFH with a 10 year old.

I don’t have a good relationship with my brother. He’s a self employed tradesmen (hence why he can’t take DN to work with him), he isn’t a good dad, he’s a heavy drinker and aggressive, and I communicate mainly with SIL hence why it’s her I’m speaking about. Neither of them drive, which is why transport falls to me.

DH has changed his plans for tomorrow, so he will take them both out and I’ve changed to a half day Friday so we figured a workaround to help them on THIS OCCASION which I’ve made very clear in my message to SIL, because she said if I couldn’t do it, she would leave DN home alone and I would rather she was with me as this isn’t her fault or doing, it’s her parents poor planning.

I just came on here for a sounding board and some opinions/advice, but for some reason a lot of responses are very bitchy and angry, which you always find on AIBU so I guess I should’ve known better…

Oh and bloody hell of course I’ll feed her!

OP posts:
cannellonivesuvio · 07/08/2024 20:58

lazysummerdayz · 07/08/2024 20:42

Sounds like it's the first time she's asked so not sure why you are in such a tiz over this this. She's 10 not 10 months and a couple days watching tv isn't going to kill her (or you for that matter)

I agree actually. At least on her dh’s day off, not the wfh day. She is working.

Ohnobackagain · 07/08/2024 20:57

@Hardknocks even the most flexible employer usually has something in the WFH policy along the lines of ‘work from home is not a substitute for child care and if you children at home you’re expected to use vacation to cover etc’. The point is, it’s a distraction.

lazysummerdayz · 07/08/2024 20:42

Sounds like it's the first time she's asked so not sure why you are in such a tiz over this this. She's 10 not 10 months and a couple days watching tv isn't going to kill her (or you for that matter)

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2024 20:37

PenguinCounter · 07/08/2024 20:16

I'd do it... but I like my SIL and I like my niece. Sounds like OP wants permission to say no from a bunch of internet strangers. Then a bunch of strangers have used their own crap relationships to help her justify it.

I like my family too. I still wouldn’t be doing them any favours when I’m supposed to be working just as I wouldn’t expect them to break any rules at their work to do me a favour.

Azaleahead · 07/08/2024 20:32

The bit that seems CF to me is them expecting OP to pick up and drop off. Presumably brother drives even if SIL doesn’t. Why should OP’s working day be additionally disrupted by the driving when she’s already helping out with the childcare?!

Also, it doesn’t seem a real emergency to me if brother just doesn’t want to lose a day’s pay. Surely they’ve saved enough from years of free childcare to manage one extra day not working…

PeachBlossom1234 · 07/08/2024 20:27

Nahhh plenty of summer camps. And a friend of mine got a warning for having kids at home when she was working, I wouldn’t do it

bloodyeffinnora · 07/08/2024 20:26

Dweetfidilove · 07/08/2024 18:23

I think I've missed the CF bit, because I can't see that she's asked for anything extraordinary.

neither can I, I cant believe how many people have said "say no" its not like they are asking every day, i take it that when OP has her at the weekend its her choice.

Bloody hell there are a lot of hard people around on MN. hope they never need any help last minute or else they should be called CFs too.

feemcgee · 07/08/2024 20:25

Ilovemyshed · 07/08/2024 17:19

"Sorry but DH has plans to go out and I am at work so can't help."

"But you work from home"

"My employer does not allow me to cover any childcare in working hours without another parent or carer being present. Sorry I can't help."

This!

User79853257976 · 07/08/2024 20:20

Bellaboo01 · 07/08/2024 18:03

What!!!???? I honestly dont think that Mumsnet is serious most of the time. Send her with a packed lunch!!??? It is her Auntie and Uncle, The sibling has asked to look after her child for 1 day!!!

Show quote history

I actually don’t think it’s necessary to send a lunch but thought that might help the OP feel that it was manageable. I did say they should help…

PenguinCounter · 07/08/2024 20:16

I'd do it... but I like my SIL and I like my niece. Sounds like OP wants permission to say no from a bunch of internet strangers. Then a bunch of strangers have used their own crap relationships to help her justify it.