DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

His anger is rather odd and on that basis I'd be making alternative arrangements.

Reasonable, practical people don't get angry over something that's quite reasonable.

I personally wouldn’t pay into a house where my name isn’t on the mortgage or deeds, you have no come back if things go wrong.

OP, what is the long term vision here? Is there one? For example, are you hoping to start a family together?

It sounds like you've drifted into this - sounds like you moved into his because that's what people do, then it seemed pointless to have your own house so you sold it, and now there seems to be no clear, shared vision about what it was all for.

Instead of getting into the weeds about who should pay how much for what, or what legal documents you might draw up here and there, you two need to go back to basics and ask yourselves - what is it all for? What, if anything, do you want to do as a shared enterprise? What do you want to do with your life in general?

yes, i too would have considered his offer/willingness to pay for things, when not married to each other, a huge, massive red flag.

there is just no free lunch. as op has now discovered!

I think neither of you are being unreasonable tbh.

He doesn’t want a freeloader, you don’t want to pay into an asset that you have no claim over. (I am massively summarising there, I know you’re not a freeloader as you’re paying)

I think perhaps it is good to have some time apart from each other and see what you really want. If both of you feel like you miss each other and need to resolve this, good. If you feel like you’re better off without the relationships that’s fine too. But don’t feel pressured to make a decision right now.

Maybe the middle ground is for you to agree until split finances until mariage? A joint account for mortgage/bills/food etc and you both contribute the same % of hour income. You would in effect contribute to his mortgage but a) you benefit from not having to pay rent because you live in his property, b) you can earn interest from the money you sold your property for

OP tell us he doesn't have any access to those funds..?

This!

5 years together. 18 months since you moved in. Interest rates a big topic in the news.

But it was only when you sold and moved in, he realised his fix was too good to lose.

I'm suspicious already

I’m sorry but this is an absolutely massive red flag, and it would be a complete deal breaker for me. This is not someone who wants to be equal partners with you or who remotely cares for your security.

It’s easy for people like this to pay for things like meals and such - it keeps them in complete control and they know they can turn off the tap whenever it suits them. Don’t let that distract you from how he’s treating you in regards to your own financial security.

Why did you sell yours if he wasnt selling his?

Were you not planning on buying something new together?

My 2p...
Its a communication issue.

I dont think yabu but i can see why he is hurt. Men are not financially vulnerable in the same way women are so he probably doesn't get it.

I think you need to sit down calmly and try to talk it out. There are a lot of different ways to resolve this

Don't use your equity to pay off his mortgage without a deed of trust!

Nothing wrong with paying him some rent and half the bills, but it needs to be reasonable. He can't expect you to pay the going rent for a house and half the bills as you are sharing. I'd look for what the going rate is for a house share. Round by me it's about £300 per month and then split the bills 50/50.

If you have been very happy for 5 years then it might be worth some joint counselling.

When you say that he's paid for things for you over the years, how much are we talking about? Have you treated him as and when you can afford to?

Absolutely do not hand over a lump sum without protecting it. Tbh you were a little foolish to sell your house without talking through financial arrangements post sale.

What you are paying now sounds perfectly reasonable if it’s as I think you have said, that is half the bills plus half the mortgage out of a joint account.
I would gladly do as he says and separate your finances as that would feel more financially secure given the warning signs you are receiving about the relationship.

If he wants you to stop paying half the mortgage and charge you rent instead, it’s clear he is worried about you thinking you can claim part of his house asset which you clearly aren’t. He is punishing you OP. Pretending he doesn’t trust you because he feels that your refusal to hand over your house equity to the joint account means you don’t trust him. (which you shouldn’t)

I would do as he says. Separate your finances asap, but pay your share of the bills. Stop paying half the mortgage and agree a rent with him which is no more than half the mortgage you already pay. Then, as soon as you can, move out into your own place because it seems to me that you can’t trust him financially. He sounds mean all round.

If he wanted a situation where you put your considerable equity into a joint account, then he should have been making sure you were married so that you had legal financial security. He’s missed his chance for that in my opinion and you should be very wary now. Best to keep your financial independence OP.

You are not on the title deeds of his house. Do not pay into his mortgage. There is no protection for your money.

Yes I would actually and you obviously give bad advice. Anything else may give the partner without equity a claim on the property 🤷‍♀️ there's many a post on Mumsnet where a female OP has debated the finances when moving a partner in and the replies usually overwhelming support them paying bills only for that reason.

My now husband and I were in a similar situation before we married. When I lived in his house, I paid a contribution towards bills & food. When we each sold our houses to buy a house together, we each put a deposit in. His was 3 times what mine was, but we had a solicitor draw up a memorandum of understanding that, in the situation we split, we would each get our deposits back and then split remaining equally. We’d both been stung in previous relationships and were both happy to have the memo. But, of course, both our names are on the mortgage.
I definitely would NOT be paying off a lump sum on a mortgage I was not named on, without some sort of legal document stating terms etc. And even at that I’m not sure I would.
I think you’re seeing his underlying feelings here and a sign of things to come should you stay in the relationship.

get that money reinvested into a house asap! Even if you rent that house out and live at his and pay “rent”. CF asking you to pay off his mortgage. Your saying hes a partner not husband and your not even named on the mortgage! Alarm bells are ringing here. Dont be a fool. Look after yourself financially first and foremost

Oh great. You are both doing this to each other. I am now 100% clear of what is going on. Thank you for responding to my clear and honest Qs.

I guess, what is different here is that HE has finally opened his eyes! Good, yours remained opened throughout!

End relationship. Move out. Buy your own property. I'm now understanding why YOU sold your property first before caring to clarify all- it suited you that way. This mess suits you well. Well played OP. Only Q is, what the purpose of this thread was.

we all agree, don't pay off someone else's mortgage etc but you knew all this already. And of course, you would know,. you once owned a property!

Perhaps a male bashing thread?!

Wow you’re paying the mortgage but have no equity?? He’s laughing and is showing his level of commitment. I’d get out and fast.

No, no, no, he wants you to give him a large sum of money on trust alone and that tells you he's not trustworthy. A decent partner would want you to be financially secure. If you're not married so not join finances.

So you've been together for 5 years, he owns his property, you owned yours but recently sold it, completing 5 months ago.

Best case scenario, this is an unusual/unhealthy relationship because in the last 5 years or during the property sale you didn't discuss/agree a split on finances going forward. It must have come up?

I assume this is where the deed of trust comes in, to say that your contribution in equity = x% of his property, which he is now refusing to sign.

Worst case scenario, given this separate money/rent suggestion, is that he has gone back on a previous agreement and now plans to milk you financially. You have sold your property, have no fixed address of your own, and he could kick you out right now.

I doubt he's actually said it like that, but it certainly sounds that way from the outside. He's got a live-in GF who'll cover half his costs, and you could be out on your arse with no warning and no recourse to justice.

OP, I really hope you aren't regretful of selling your home.

It sounds as if you are potentially in a vulnerable place.

Do not convince yourself to give him your money.

Women that settle for very little at great cost to themselves, invariably bitterly regret their stupidity.

Protect yourself at all cost.

Seriously - unless he's 100% in to the same level you are (also 100%), then my advice is to throw this one back into the sea.

You are right, this relationship is going backwards, but that's because he's made it go that way. It's him who has commitment issues, or simply changed his mind about you, but not admitting it. Otherwise he could of solved this easily by asking you to marry him. Can't see that ever happening now, he's actually proving to you that he would of gladly took your money and left you high and dry in a split.