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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
legalalien · 07/08/2024 19:07

I may have missed it but we don’t seem to have some critical info, in particular what the draft declaration of trust says in relation to OP’s share of the equity, the size of the mortgage / whether it’s being repaid in full and whether it is a repayment or interest only mortgage.

it sounds like the DoT envisages a %, OP says she’d be happy to adjust to reflect his share of the equity, but is that reflected in the DoT / has that discussion been had? If it’s something other than 50% then there would have had to been a discussion based on an up to date valuation (fairer than the original purchase price) and it doesn’t sound as though that discussion has happened?

assuming the additional repayment doesn’t completely pay the mortgage off then he remains 100% liable for the new mortgage.

if the draft gives OP a 50% stake and he remains on the hook for the mortgage then I can see why he might be a bit cross and decide the whole thing should go in the too hard basket.

also if it’s an interest only mortgage then OP won’t have been paying capital contributions.

We also don’t know what the draft DoT says in relation to rights to sell the property. The OP’s DP might have concerns about that as well depending on what they say?

MrsAmaretto · 07/08/2024 19:07

As others have said he wants you to pay a rent and separate your finances so as you have no claim if you split in the future.

If you continue to split the bills in a joint account including the mortgage and split in 10year a time you’ll have a claim. As clearly you are cohabiting, living like common law spouses. So you’re going back and step and living like a lodger.

Whether he’s doing this to punish you for not giving him your money is impossible to say.

Goldcushions2 · 07/08/2024 19:02

ACynicalDad · 07/08/2024 18:21

I know a local mum who paid all the bills whilst he paid the mortgage, they never married and whey they split she was left with nothing and him with everything. He knows what he's doing and think very carefully if these are the actions of someone you really want to be with.

This is a regular occurrence on here.
But throw in she gave up a good career, is a SAHM that does EVERYTHING for the house and multiple children they shared......only to be left with absolutely NOTHING.

The naivety is absolutely astounding. Not one ounce of self preservation or protection in all those years.

So sad.

Astonmaid · 07/08/2024 19:00

hettie · 07/08/2024 18:07

Well if you put in your equity OR you contribute to the mortgage pay rent you 100% need a legal agreement on what this means in terms of your claim on the property. You are not married you've lost your own housing security and any increase in the asset value on a house you did own and you've swapped it for subsidising the lowering of someone's else's debt against an asset that will increase in value but over which you have no claim. I could weep....
So.... Don't contemplate handing over a penny of your equity. If it were me I'd also insist on a legal document re investment in his asset before I said any more 'rent'. If you really think this one is a keeper doesnt sound like it. Insist on couples therapy to work through values and attitudes to money and whilst your at it gender roles (if you plan on having kids).

This

Charlieiscool · 07/08/2024 18:59

You would have to be completely insane to pay off his mortgage and not be on the deeds. He is being manipulative to suggest you should effectively hand over all your assets to him and leave yourself with nothing. It’s batshit crazy. Buy another place and rent it out and formally pay him rent on his place. Then when and if you are both ready to commit you can marry and both own both places.

Mostlyoblivious · 07/08/2024 18:56

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 16:49

Before the sale of my house completed we sort of shared money but not officially as I was still paying all the bills on my house. I covered all these and then I paid for shopping which amounted to about £500-600 month, during this time my DP picked up a lot of other costs which is why I can see where he was coming from.

And you having to pay for an empty property is a large cost that you also shouldered: if you want to be fair then add up what you had to pay to your house and shared house plus food etc and then add up what he was paying and see how uneven it actually was. If the situation was reversed then he would have had those costs etc but if you were planning on coming together financially then the total expenditure in that period is shared, no?

cherish123 · 07/08/2024 18:55

pam290358 · 07/08/2024 18:07

She’s already paying towards the mortgage - why should she pay rent on top of that ?

Show quote history

I don't mean she should contribute twice. If she's already contributing to thr mortgage, then she is paying rent.

Getonwitit · 07/08/2024 18:49

I cannot seriously believe you even considered paying off part of his mortgage, give your head a serious shake.

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 18:46

Witchbitch20 · 07/08/2024 15:40

From the OPs original post . “I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that it’s not about that at all it’s about me having some security.”

The profit has only been put aside because the timing to pay it off his mortgage didn’t quite work.

Show quote history

I realise that, but it’s not unreasonable that she pays rent and half the bills given she’s not paying towards the mortgage.

Mintypig · 07/08/2024 18:44

Can he sell too and you buy something together ?

HongKongDreaming · 07/08/2024 18:42

Oh dear, you’re not even married!

Do not have a joint account and find a new abode asap.

Next time keep mum about your financial situation as you need to protect your assets. My husband never asked me about mine yet when we married I moved to his home. He certainly never asked for rent! When we sold that place, we bought a new home as joint owners.

A man who loves you will want you to be financially secure and have your own little nest egg.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 07/08/2024 18:39

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:30

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February when we set up the joint account which both our salaries go into and all the bills including the mortgage come out of.

I still have the money in a separate account from the sale of my property.

If it comes to me buying another property then I don't want to continue with the relationship. It just feels like going backwards than forwards.

But he is already going backwards. He doesn't want to share money anymore and doesn't want to do what you suggested with the Declaration of Trust.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 07/08/2024 18:37

Move out.

He is literally telling you he only cares about his financial security and not his.
You are literally paying his mortgage and depleting your assets from the sale of your own home to prop up his assets, with zero protection. And he's not only okay with this, he's upset you've questioned it.

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 07/08/2024 18:37

If she pays rent, she is entitled to a contract.

TennisLady · 07/08/2024 18:37

Me and now my DH were in a similar position in that I sold my house and moved into his. When looking into the costs of adding me to mortgage (stamp duty is paid again!) we decided to wait until we were ready to move which we’d discussed. I didn’t need to pay him “rent” as I’d given up my home to move in with him. We then married and are now buying a home together.

I absolutely would not be giving him a lump sum towards HIS mortgage and his attitude about the declaration is very strange. Protect yourself. What a shame you gave up your own home to now have this attitude from him.

LightFull · 07/08/2024 18:31

You sold your house

And you want to use some of proceeds to pay off some of your DP mortgage

That's insane

Completely insane

S00LA · 07/08/2024 18:30

It’s absolutely terrifying how many people ( grown women I assume ) commenting on this thread who have NO IDEA whatsoever about

what a mortgage is
the difference between being on a mortgage and on the deeds
the rights of a cohabitee
what a tenant is and their rights
what a lodger is and their rights
how buy to let works
the basics of income tax and capital gains
how house prices usually work

🤯🤯🤯

Please PLEASE if you don’t know this stuff then stop advising the OP .

ACynicalDad · 07/08/2024 18:21

I know a local mum who paid all the bills whilst he paid the mortgage, they never married and whey they split she was left with nothing and him with everything. He knows what he's doing and think very carefully if these are the actions of someone you really want to be with.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 18:13

@Rosscameasdoody apologies I was saying he wasn’t asking for mortgage & rent.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/08/2024 18:12

Maia77 · 07/08/2024 18:10

Because they are in a committed relationship. She's not a lodger.

Show quote history

This is a good point. He’s not paying rent, he has a mortgage. And if OP is already contributing towards the mortgage why is he expecting ‘rent’ as well ?

EatTheGnome · 07/08/2024 18:11

Why were you going to pay his mortgage off with your money?

Rosscameasdoody · 07/08/2024 18:11

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 18:07

*She’s already contributing towards the mortgage - why does she need to pay rent as well ?

Hes not asking for that though

Sorry I don’t understand. The question was, why should she live rent free. She’s not, she’s paying from the joint account towards the mortgage from her own funds.

EatTheGnome · 07/08/2024 18:10

Pay him rent whilst you both look for a new house together in joint names. Give it a deadline of 12 months.

Maia77 · 07/08/2024 18:10

cherish123 · 07/08/2024 17:56

Why would you expect to live rent free?

Because they are in a committed relationship. She's not a lodger.

Maia77 · 07/08/2024 18:09

I don't understand why people in romantic relationships should pay rent. Yes, split the bills and other costs, but rent.