DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

Reading these comments - no wonder relationships fail.

Put a reasonable amount into the joint account each month to cover your share of the bills, that's it! Ask for your contributions to the mortgage to be given back to you or taken off your future contribution to the bills, it's never going to be a joint house so you shouldn't have paid anything towards it. Think about what to do in the future, maybe he should sell his house and you buy together equal shares, or if the current situation is a deal breaker go your separate ways.

Go buy a place off your own. That's your security. Run for the hills from him. He would have his mortgage paid you would be left with nothing

"...and he almost got away with it."
Honestly he sounds like an absolute grafter who almost conned you into paying off his mortgage for him and is angry you wised up.
Leave him.
YANBU

@helloballoon

you shouldn't have sold your house, you should have rented it out, your cash is not going to 'keep up' with house prices.

His asset is growing whilst yours is shrinking.

But you are where you are right now.

if it were me, I'd end it, because he doesn't have your back, he's happy for you to be worse off & him to be better off.

so what if he's paid for some stuff? You've been paying his mortgage and building his asset.

as I said, this was a disaster in waiting from the beginning.

it would be an easy decision for me, because his attitude is terrible & id rather be single than with someone who is happy to shaft me.

If you do end up with a joint mortgage make sure you also have your name put on the home ownership documents. They are separate things.

Every single woman who posts on here about a man moving in with them is told to make sure he pays rent but to never call it a contribution to the mortgage so he cannot have a claim on the house.

You cannot live in his house for free. You need to pay rent (roughly equal to what it would cost to be a lodger). It doesn’t entitle you to a share of his house.

If you want to pay off a large chunk of his mortgage then only do that if you are added to the house; if you’re paying off the mortgage or paying half the mortgage as rent then don’t do that until you guys have sorted out the legalities of ownership.

really irritating comments here saying dump him
you admit he has been extremely financially generous with you
The sale of your house has nothing to do with him it’s your money
but you do you need to contribute towards the house you know both now live in financially wether that’s rent or bills, but don’t label it as mortgage

that is an equal solution rather than fair

It doesn’t look good, the only “fair” solution is for him to sell his house and you buy something 50/50 together.

what if you buy another property and rent it out, then as others have suggested you buy the shopping etc to cover your part of the household costs.

Then when his excellent mortgage rate ends you do the change then?

As others have said - hang on to your money and buy a separate place. You could rent it out and use the income to cover what you are paying BF or move out.

My DH and I had our own properties, having both lived together at times and alternated between each others’ properties once I got a place of my own (in part because we were planning to marry and felt any additional equity I could generate in a separate property would be to our joint benefit long term).

We didn’t pool our monies into a completely new joint purchase until a few months before our wedding (had been together 10 years by this stage) but signed a trust document with a solicitor that should we not proceed to marriage and separate without children, the asset equity would be divided upon sale according to the relative contributions, which we reflected in the mortgage payments until I stopped work to have our kids. We own everything 50:50 now (22 years down the line, however!)

I think it is fair to pay reasonable rent/contribution to utilities. You should NOT be paying his mortgage, as that actually risks giving you a stake in his asset without the trust document (I believe, I may be wrong, probably am). And you absolutely should not pay his mortgage off with your equity, without an independent valuation of the property that clarifies the proportional value of your contribution or a legal agreement which stipulates your share and your name should be added to the title deeds accordingly acknowledging your ownership of that share.

If he does not see this, you need to move on.

I’ve not read all the responses so this may have already been said, but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. I think he’s maybe worried if he signs a deed of trust before you’ve committed your equity, then you could walk away with half the house and your equity? Which obviously could look like a massive red flag to him. If you’re worried about him dying and your name not being on the house, then can he get a will drawn up? Tbh, until your equity is in the house, I don’t think you lose anything not being on the deeds as you have that to fall back on. You need a good chat with him, but could you not have a will drawn up so you’re both covered in the even of each other’s debt. But leave your name off the house and your equity in your account until the mortgage can be renewed at which point you pay in and you both sign the deeds?

Him saying you've been happy about him paying for things, is not the same as you paying a lump some (not sure of the amount, tens of thousands?) Off his mortgage is it!

Also if he thinks trust is an issue, why doesn't he put the house in your name solely and he can put his money where his mouth is.

He seems bitter and spiteful, I wouldn't be giving him any money, except for food and joint bills, so no rent for Mr sulky.

@helloballoon
I suspect this man is one who isn't able to treat a woman as an equal. He wants everything on his terms, in other words he doesn't want to be your partner, he wants to be your boss.

I agree with @MixieMatchie
Don't take any action based on planning to get married. Until the marriage papers are signed you do not have the legal protection that comes with marriage and he can change his mind. If you plan to pool equity when you are married wait until you actually are married and have that legal protection before you do it.

A married partner that is not trustworthy can still ruin your finances e.g. gambling or selling assets and giving the cash to other family to defraud you of your assets so it's not foolproof. You still need trust. Do you have any idea why he wants you to put your money into his house without it being protected? Why do you feel you can trust him when he is against you protecting your own money?

I also wouldn't put your salary into a joint account. This is very risky. I would only do this with a spouse.

I would, in your situation, buy a small property to protect your assets and give you financial security.

@helloballoon

Your questions to yourself should now be:
'If I can't trust DP to be fair & equal over where we live - what else can I not trust him with/about?'
'How can I have absolute trust and faith in our future when he has so far proved to have none in me?'
'If this isn't the hill that I die on then what will be if I go ahead and give him my hard earned cash with no legal protection. How bad will it get before I really walk away with NOTHING?'

Good. So, the next question for him is - what about that marriage conversation? He can't keep ducking it or dithering, when you've gone and sold your house and furnishings. Don't see it as a romantic prize that you have to earn by keeping your head down - see it as an obvious piece of business that should be on the table. If it's not on the table, you need to know before you get further entangled with him. Then you can make sensible and realistic decisions. Don't do ANYTHING on the basis that you hope to marry, might marry, have spoken about marriage in the past. Assume you are not, until you have set a date. Do not give him a wife if he won't give you a husband.

Why would OP buy a house with someone who tried to steal her money to pay his mortgage?

OP in case you aren't aware, as a tenant living with your 'landlord' you have very few eviction rights. Essentially he could ask you to leave and you would have to go, more or less straight away.

OP has no rights to stay in her boyfriend's property, she is very vulnerable now she has sold her house, he could throw her out at a moment's notice.

The whole situation has the potential to turn very toxic, very quickly.

The other option is you ask him if he would be happy to sell and you buy a house together (50/50). That way it's a fresh start & you can build it together.

Please do not throw your money into his mortgage, or monetary things, unless you have it written up. A family member used his money from the sale of his house towards an extention on his partners house, and a few years later she left him and he was left with nothing. He managed to get some money back, but not enough to purchase a house. It is sad that we have to think like this, but sometimes people can be wicked when things go south and become people you never expected them to become when money is involved.

A flatmate would be paying rent! What's the female equivalent of a cocklodger? If the roles were reversed I think he would be expected to contribute.