DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

No. She isn’t. She is paying towards bills.

She was going to pay off a chunk of the mortgage, and then have her name on the deeds. He hasn’t bothered sorting the legal side out to protect her interests so she hasn’t paid off a chunk of the mortgage. She was right not to. She shouldn’t be paying a significant chunk of his mortgage with the proceeds from her sale without her interests being protected.

He has said since they aren’t doing that anymore, then she needs to pay something in rent. This is correct. If they don’t sort themselves out and he doesn’t sort out the legal side of things then she should not pay off his mortgage but she should pay rent (around the same as a lodger would pay).

That is what women are told to make men do when they move in. She has to pay rent.

OP has said quite clearly that she’s contributing toward the mortgage payment. The issue is that he seems to want rent as well.

This 'You don't trust me' is a form of gaslighting. He should know that you need legal security in these matters as no one can predict the future. My late husband and I loved and trusted each other, but we still had out house as tenants in common to before the estate was divided up between his children and mine, as I had paid more into the house to start off with. My late DH understood completely. It isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of common sense about money.

His attitude would be a major red flag for me. But you need to sort out some kind of equitable system to make sure you are both now paying eaqually into your living costs. if you are paying part of the mortgage, make sure it is documented as such. That does give you some rights to part of the value of the house.

That poster isn’t talking about the OP though, she is talking about all the replies telling her not to pay a penny in rent and how awful he is for expecting a rent payment. Telling her to only pay her share of bills and nothing else.

When a man does that, he is hauled over the coals on this forum and called a cocklodger. But almost every post is telling the OP that she shouldn’t have to contribute anything to rent and should live for free other than a contribution to bills. It’s mad; this place is so sexist.

I have my own flat on a mortgage. If I met a partner and wanted to move in with them I just wouldn't be comfortable putting my equity into their mortgage unless we had got married. I just can't fathom any circumstances where it would be a good idea.

You should have rented out your house and paid him rent, until you were both in a position to divide everything equally. Agree with PPs - buy another property asap......

Don't pay his mortgage or contribute a lump sum unless your name is on the deeds, and make sure you have a house in your name at all times!

why didn't he sell his house?

Leave.

Paying rent is fine.
Paying off his mortgage with no deed of trust and without any legal right to her money once it disappears paying off his mortgage isn't fine.
Did you read the op's first post?

I

Always shake my head at these threads. I moved in with my boyfriend (at the time) and he used all his £30k savings to put a deposit down on a house for both of us. We had a joint account and never once had to say, you pay for this, i'll pay for that, or you pay 2/3's because you earn more. We both got paid, both wages went into a joint account, bills got paid, whatever was left was split 50'50.

We actually split because we got together too young. It was a joint mortgage so he bought me out of that (very generously) when we split.

Now married and from the off had exactly the same trusting relationship with DH. This time it was actually me that owned a property and I was the one who put his name on the mortgage so he had some protection given he was paying into it too. We weren't married at this point.

If you can't have this sort of trusting relationship, honestly , you might as well just be a flatmate. OP you even said this - FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything.

Surely it would have made much more sense to get your name on the mortgage , own this house together and move forward to pay it off?!

Trust is gone now. I can 100% see both sides and honestly, if this thread was about a woman who bought absolutely everything for her bf and then he got some money and effectively held onto it, you'd all be calling him a cocklodger and telling her to get him to pay rent!

MN is so double standards.

Seems odd that he was happy for you to pay off part of his mortgage but not happy when you changed your mind.
You had the Declaration of Trust drawn up, but he didn’t want to look at that and didn’t want to engage with it. I presume because he wouldn’t benefit as much as having part of his mortgage paid off ?
I’d separate the finances immediately and also put your money into another property. Not sure he’s being all above board.

What are you going to do?

Say nothing further to him.
Get your own place asap.
Go and live there by yourself.
Be happy, you have narrowly dodged a bullet.

Be doesnt sound like someone id want to stay with

That he would even ask this is unbelievable.

I would have a complete lack of trust.
Be very careful OP.

You are vulnerable to pay off his mortgage. The best outcome would be : It all goes wrong and in five years you will get EXACTLY the CASH you put in....My advice is Reevaluate your situation, get your cash and immediately put it into a new property. You have misjudged him but all is not lost. And if hes your partner why does he want RENT????????? Do you charge him for running the home???? Dump him now. ( Secretly) Get all your ducks in a row first. Dont pay rent. Get another house quick while prices are stable. Surely your not $|€€ping same room..........

‘This is a flawed argument, people who pay rent have their own lockable room, they have rights in law. They are not usually sharing a bed with their landlord. Half of all the other bills is all that should be expected’

My partner does not want the hassle or expense of owning a home and would rather invest in stocks and shares than pay a mortgage. He saves at least £1000 EXTRA a month to invest in said stocks and shares because he doesn’t have the expense of private rental anymore. Instead he pays half the bills and a small rent charge. If we break up I keep my house and he keeps his investments. I’d feel pretty used if he said he should live there for free and just pay half of the utilities. This way we both benefit.

The main problem for OP is that she’s sold her property and re-entering the market would be really expensive. That was her choice though, it doesn’t sound like she was coerced into doing this. I don’t know how much equity she has sat in the bank but it could be making a pretty decent return in a good savings account

You won't contribute to his mortgage without legally having some part of it in line with your contributions but you will pay extra on the bills, and/or buy all the groceries etc in recognition of the fact that you are not paying rent (rent being a perfectly normal expectation of an adult) so that your overall contribution to the household includes an element recognised as rent

This is a flawed argument, people who pay rent have their own lockable room, they have rights in law. They are not usually sharing a bed with their landlord. Half of all the other bills is all that should be expected.

What was the plan @helloballoon ? Did you discuss what you might do with the proceeds of sale before you put it on the market?

This is buy a property if your own now and move into it territory. The nerve of someone saying you’ve sold your house and moved in now you won’t give me the house proceeds so I can see you’re not committed… what’s he done?

You sold your house, you're way more financially committed than he is. He still has housing security you don't. He won't need to pay all the costs of re-entering the housing market if you break up. He won't have to move if you break up. You are so much more committed to this relationship then he is. You've put your money where you mouth is, he's refused and is all talk and no actions.

If you take the emotional heat out of this then it’s a reasonable suggestion. You manage the the proceeds of your house sale and pay half the bills and a ‘rent’ amount. If the relationship breaks down then there’s a clean break. If you decide to buy together in the future then you can set up a deed of trust to protect yourselves.

This is the complete opposite of what women are told when they move a boyfriend in.

Why should she live for free? She needs to pay rent.

Every woman on here who moves a boyfriend in is told to charge him rent but make sure it’s called rent and not “mortgage contribution” and have it be an amount similar to a lodger rather than half the mortgage so they cannot argue that they have a share in the ownership.

According to mumsnetters, men need to pay rent when they move in without any rights to the house but the OP, a woman, should pay nothing more than her share of bills unless she gets added to the house deeds… interesting sexism on here.