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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 07/08/2024 14:58

He has a bridge to sell you...

andfinallyhereweare · 07/08/2024 14:53

house in your name too or married. Do not pay anything off without it. No way.

rainfordays · 07/08/2024 14:52

What a clown (him, not you). He is trying to get you to buy his house FOR HIM, knowing you would have no claim on the house and would never be able to get your money back. Either he's genuinely stupid (unlikely) or he is actively trying to manipulate you into a position where he has all the power in the relationship and you can never leave because you've sacrificed all your independence and money. If he was actually interested in making this a partnership, he'd be invested in protecting your assets as well as his own. Get rid, get gone and never look back (sounds flippant and easier said than done, but this guy just does not sound worth your time - don't throw good time after bad in this relationship, he's shown you his true colours and they are not pretty).

Sinderalla · 07/08/2024 14:52

Buy another house.
Somewhere to go when/if it goes wrong.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/08/2024 14:51

Is there some particular reason that he didn't also sell his place and you buy a place together? Because that seems to be the only way that this kind of arrangement is ever going to work.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:51

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her* assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all. *

Why is it not fair for her to pay any rent? I wouldn’t let a man live with me rent free.

AngelusBell · 07/08/2024 14:50

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

I would buy yourself another house. Definitely don’t pay him rent and don’t tell him your plans. Be pleasant but move fast. Rent a spare room fit com for a few months if you need to.

Mumski45 · 07/08/2024 14:50

Commitment works both ways. If you pay off part of his mortgage then you are making a commitment to him. With out the declaration of trust he is not making any commitment to you.

Can you not explain that 'commitment needs to come from both sides.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:49

@Bigcat25
I think paying a certain amount of rent (bc we all have to pay for housing) is fair...

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all.

I wish women would wise up to this common scheme.

titchy · 07/08/2024 14:49

HamHands · 07/08/2024 14:26

Personally, I'd agree to pay half the mortgage sum into a specific account in your name until the fixed rate has ended. Once the mortgage comes up for renewal and your name is put against it, then I would I would add the money saved to your original deposit. How long is the fixed rate?

This is what OP is planning, but obviously she needs the deed of trust to do this otherwise she is giving him all her money. He's not now prepared to agree to this.

As others have said, move out. Reinvest your money in another property. Maybe suggest he sells his house and gives you the proceeds... see how he likes that.

But this doesn't sound like a good relationship.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 07/08/2024 14:49

You are paying his mortgage from a joint account. What rent is he talking about, you are already paying towards his house?

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:48

In your situation, I would probably buy my own property, as there are some major differences in attitudes to finances between the two of you. He seems to resent that you want to protect your own interests, but at the same time he is determined to protect his own interests. This can only lead to conflict in the future.

This. Neither of you are wrong to want to protect your own interests.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:47

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

How much has he paid? He’s clearly resentful that you didn’t see your money as joint money.

Kiztittumne · 07/08/2024 14:45

FatfunandADHD · 07/08/2024 14:22

My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.

Absolutely this. ^

AdaColeman · 07/08/2024 14:45

Unless your name was added to the deeds of the property, you would have been foolish to contribute to the mortgage. If you were to split up in the future, as you are not yet married, he would have walked away with your assets, and you would have nothing. It's very telling that he is refusing to sign the Deed of Trust!

In your situation, I would probably buy my own property, as there are some major differences in attitudes to finances between the two of you. He seems to resent that you want to protect your own interests, but at the same time he is determined to protect his own interests. This can only lead to conflict in the future.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:44

My bf of 18 months bought our house (paid all the deposit and stamp duty) and it's both names 50:50 on the deeds. I then married him year or so later albeit we weren't even engaged at the time. We had shared finances from house purchase onwards and he out earns me vastly.

I would never do this if I was the bf.

Ivehearditbothways · 07/08/2024 14:44

What does he say when you ask simply, “If you want me to pay a chunk into the mortgage and then split the mortgage going forward then why won’t you give me rights to this house? I won’t pay that until it is documented. The only thing stopping us is that refuse to legalise my share in the property. Why?”

What does he actually say is his reason for not formalising your share in the property?

PoopedAndScooped · 07/08/2024 14:43

In the joint account is the money from your house sale in it?

If so, close it straight away!!

HateMyselfToo · 07/08/2024 14:43

Iwant20cats · 07/08/2024 14:34

Split your money back into separate accounts and look to moving out. Don't put yourself at risk of being left homeless and penniless.
A committed relationship should be on an equal footing

IF you can and want to work through this, you can buy a place in your name, rent it out and use that money to pay him rent. That allows you to have somewhere to go if something goes wrong.

Butterflyfern · 07/08/2024 14:42

I think you need to consider the relationship anyway tbh

Do you want to be with a man long term who can't talk about money and financial security without getting angry? How will you manage to make any joint financial decisions in the future?

DadJoke · 07/08/2024 14:42

If nothing else, one of the biggest causes of break-ups is disagreement over finances. Honestly, I cannot see a legitimate reason why he wouldn't agree to the declaration of trust.

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2024 14:41

Absolutely do not pay his mortgage off with your money when you don't co-own the house.
Sorry OP but this doesn't sound at all like a happy relationship. You've argued and he's turned on you over money. He wants you to pay him rent to live in his house that you've been paying the mortgage for. This really isn't good.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:40

Iwant20cats · 07/08/2024 14:34

Split your money back into separate accounts and look to moving out. Don't put yourself at risk of being left homeless and penniless.
A committed relationship should be on an equal footing

This. Every single time a man had that sort of leverage, it was used against me. Every single time, without fail. One of those times I had to declare myself homeless with a small child.

I own my own house outright and it's never ever going anywhere, not even in exchange for living in a waterfront mansion.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 14:38

Just leave, he doesn't want anything that sets you both up fairly, he wants you to do what HE says with YOUR money or it's not worth it to him.

He wouldn't pay off your mortgage without some legal recourse in place op, you know he wouldn't but he expects it from you.

He has no respect for you.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/08/2024 14:37

I think you were crazy to sell your place tbh, it would have been more sensible to have rented your place out while you saw how living together went.

All my couple friends did it this way.

Paying off his mortgage?? Absolutely not and the fact he won't sign the legal paperwork to offer you some protection says it all.

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