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Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:36

People would not think this was fair treatment if op had the asset and expected her bf to pay off her mortgage, this isn't about double standards.

It is, no one would be advising the OP to share her asset or have no contributions towards housing.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 15:35

@helloballoon I fear you're probably getting a bit overwhelmed and probably not feeling great with all these responses but these are the words of women (and men) looking out for each other and spotting someone in a vulnerable position.

The situation you are in is not uncommon as many people are still single and dating in their 30s and 40s now who own their own homes and want to merge lives and finances with a DP. So ultimately one person has to sell / rent out their home to move in with the other. That was the case for me and DP and for lots of my friends.

But realistically, unless he signs the Declaration of Trust (which means you are covered in relation to any funds / equity you have in the house), remortgages in both your names (not always an option depending on mortgage rates and terms) or you get married, you could end up with absolutely nothing here.

He knows this but the crucial thing I have taken away from your post is, rather than try to reassure you and basically do whatever it takes so that you are equals, he wants you to give whilst he takes and offers you absolutely no protection or security.

Those are not the actions of someone wanting to share their life with their partner.

FWIW the moment my DP moved in I contacted the mortgage advisor and solicitor regarding getting him on the mortgage, getting a DoT drawn up etc, however we have both decided we would rather just get married and then everything is in a joint name anyway. I can't wait for that to happen as I hate him paying into my house - I want it to be "ours" now. That's how your DP should be feeling.

gardenmusic · 07/08/2024 15:35

They would and have advised exactly the same when it has been the other way round.

S00LA · 07/08/2024 15:35

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

That would make you his lodger, as long as

you have your own Bedroom and dont share with him
you share common parts of the house
you are not a couple
you have a lodger agreement in writing
he pays for everything like repairs, maintenance, furniture

If that is what you want then go right ahead, just have your solicitors look over the lodger agreement first and explain what your rights are.

If that’s not what you want then move out. In the meantime, stop paying anything towards his mortgage.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 15:35

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:20

The trouble with this arrangement is that she would be spending money every month enriching him, while her savings from the sale of her house dwindle, and she's not getting any equity, any security for it. If they break up 5 years down the line, he'll be thousands richer and she'll be left penniless, back to square one. It might be "reasonable", but it's not a sensible financial move on OP's part.

Of course it isn’t. Equally it’s not a sensible decision on his part to have no contribution towards housing costs.

HE has a mortgage in HIS name.
His "housing costs" is him choosing to buy a house(before even OP was on the scene)!
Is it really that hard to understand the basics...

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:33

If it was the other way round that’s what all MN posters would advise!

Some of the responses are ludicrous

gardenmusic · 07/08/2024 15:33

Itsajobones · Today 14:24
FatfunandADHD · Today 14:22
My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.
This!

Yes, this. Buy a house now before you get left behind on the property market.
He wants you to pay towards his mortgage while having no rights, or to pay off a chunk without a deed of trust. Neither option is good.
See him if you must, but from the secure position of your own property.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:33

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:29

I wouldn't be looking to make a profit from my SO no, moving in together should benefit both partners imo.

It’s not clear if the OP paid anything housing wise the yr prior. How do you know he’s making a profit? Or that it isn’t benefiting the OP? The OP literally says he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue.

If the OP had the asset no-one would be telling her to add him to the deeds or expect no housing contribution.

People would not think this was fair treatment if op had the asset and expected her bf to pay off her mortgage, this isn't about double standards.

Her partner being generous doesn't entitle him to the sale proceeds of her house either and if he believes so and expects it then he has been manipulative and deceitful from the start.

If he had a problem with his generosity then he needed to communicate this.
I even question this from op because it's very easy to appear generous when you would have been paying for something either way but just so happen to include a partner or a friend that is with you.

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 15:33

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2024 15:23

I am wondering if this is because he has discovered you potentially would have a claim for part of his property if you could prove you’ve been making mortgage payments. It sounds like he wants all of the upsides of being with you but when push comes to shove the commitment isn’t there and is really looking like what’s yours is his and what’s his is his.

Show quote history

If it was the other way round that’s what all MN posters would advise!

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2024 15:32

This isn't going to work, OP. After five years, this is not the way forward. I'd be looking to buy another property of my own to move into.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:32

@saltinesandcoffeecups some common sense!

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 15:32

Witchbitch20 · 07/08/2024 15:29

So he can protect his assets but you can’t protect yours?

Start house hunting.

Be grateful he’s shown himself for what he is whilst you can still get out.

I wouldn’t worry about it being “a backwards step”, this relationship would be dead to me.

Show quote history

How is she not protecting her assets? She’s already said she’s put her profits from the sale of her house aside.

bonzaitree · 07/08/2024 15:31

Start house hunting. He wants you to pay off an asset in his name.

Bunnycat101 · 07/08/2024 15:31

I think this is actually quite a common dilemma for lots of couples. We had something similar where my (now) husband owned his flat and we needed to work out what was the fairest way to split costs. We never changed the deeds on the flat as we had an amazing mortgage and we were married before we brought a house together.

What we initially settled on was that we would split bills jointly and I would pay a nominal rent as a lodger so he could have it tax free through rent a scheme. We later moved towards me not paying anything in ‘rent’ but saving up a big portion of my salary that would go towards our later house purchase and our finances gradually became more and more joint.

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2024 15:31

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

This seems like the best plan going forwards if you're not getting married. Rather than having your house money sitting in an account, why don't you buy yourself another property and rent it out?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/08/2024 15:31

I will admit I could be missing something, but I think the issue here is that you set a joint account and have sort of half assed mixed the pot.

Let’s start from a financial view:
You should be paying something for your shared existence in the house. At a minimum how of the shared bills and something towards ‘rent’… think of yourself as a lodger for that part.

If you agree to share ownership of the house that’s a different story and should be done legally and with the terms and ownership stakes spelled out.

Assuming you have income and your money from the house sale has not been mixed you will be no better or worse off and he isn’t gaining or losing anything.

An argument could be made you’re losing out on housing appreciation by not owning anything… but then I’d say that you should use your savings, buy something else and rent it out or invest it to gain equivalent appreciation.

Now on the commitment relationship front;

You both should have had this discussion long before you moved in. What are your shared goals, plans, commitments, etc. only you can say for sure if you think the relationship is working for you now.

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 15:31

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

Tbh this sounds reasonable.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:30

I understand he doesn’t want to add you on the deeds of the house if he paid the deposit and has been paying the mortgage for many years. That’s astute……. and any woman would be advised to do the same on Mumsnet if she were in that situation.

Exactly!!!

But he should want to go to a lawyer together and find ways for you both to protect your individual assets you are bringing into this relationship. And find a way forward that protects you both. The fact he doesn’t want to do this raises big red flags.

I don’t agree it’s necessarily a big flag, it could be. It depends on figures really.

Witchbitch20 · 07/08/2024 15:29

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

So he can protect his assets but you can’t protect yours?

Start house hunting.

Be grateful he’s shown himself for what he is whilst you can still get out.

I wouldn’t worry about it being “a backwards step”, this relationship would be dead to me.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:29

I wouldn't be looking to make a profit from my SO no, moving in together should benefit both partners imo.

It’s not clear if the OP paid anything housing wise the yr prior. How do you know he’s making a profit? Or that it isn’t benefiting the OP? The OP literally says he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue.

If the OP had the asset no-one would be telling her to add him to the deeds or expect no housing contribution.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:28

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2024 15:23

I am wondering if this is because he has discovered you potentially would have a claim for part of his property if you could prove you’ve been making mortgage payments. It sounds like he wants all of the upsides of being with you but when push comes to shove the commitment isn’t there and is really looking like what’s yours is his and what’s his is his.

Show quote history

This is his reasoning exactly.

Op, if you've been paying towards HIS mortgage since February and he now wants to split finances and have you pay rent you need to factor in the refund of those mortgage payment or deduct them from the proposes rent.

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 07/08/2024 15:27

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/08/2024 14:37

I think you were crazy to sell your place tbh, it would have been more sensible to have rented your place out while you saw how living together went.

All my couple friends did it this way.

Paying off his mortgage?? Absolutely not and the fact he won't sign the legal paperwork to offer you some protection says it all.

This. quite honestly it sounds like a non starter and I would leave before I wasted any more of my life on this pillock.

Andthereitis · 07/08/2024 15:26

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:30

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February when we set up the joint account which both our salaries go into and all the bills including the mortgage come out of.

I still have the money in a separate account from the sale of my property.

If it comes to me buying another property then I don't want to continue with the relationship. It just feels like going backwards than forwards.

It would be going forward to buy your own place!
Trust us!

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:26

And absolutely do not pay a market rate of rent op, not unless you get your own room.

Hollietree · 07/08/2024 15:24

So he wants to secure his own financial assets, whilst gets angry that you also want to secure your own financial assets?!

I understand he doesn’t want to add you on the deeds of the house if he paid the deposit and has been paying the mortgage for many years. That’s astute……. and any woman would be advised to do the same on Mumsnet if she were in that situation.

But he should want to go to a lawyer together and find ways for you both to protect your individual assets you are bringing into this relationship. And find a way forward that protects you both. The fact he doesn’t want to do this raises big red flags.

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