Stupid Argument Massively Escalated

Does he always bring up old disagreements? That sometimes happens in arguments but if it’s a regular thing he needs to stop it. The telling you to leave is a different level altogether. If my husband said that, or I said it to him, I think it would be the end.

I think you probably both need to communicate better in general, a family diary is a good idea (we have one) for the practical problem, but it sounds like maybe you both need a proper sit down chat to air/sort out everything else.

What are these “other issues” he brings up? If it was my husband and he was bringing up another issue in a disagreement I’d know something about that issue was still bothering him or still unresolved, so we would tackle that. We’re not perfect but I would say husband & I are really quite good communicators, we don’t let things fester or resentment build, we are a talk it out household. Maybe worth a try?

If he’s asking her to leave, does it sound like he wants to resolve things? It sounds like he’s done with the relationship frankly. That doesn’t mean he’s justified in feeling that way, but he obviously doesn’t care enough by asking her to leave

Nothing the op has said, @SettingsOptions, makes me think her h is 'at the end of his tether', which you said.

It just sounds like he's shit at communicating.

Arguing via text message is absurd and childish, and it's very easy for things to escalate when doing so. You're not teenagers, talk out your differences in person like adults.

Neither of you are covered in glory and it sounds like you are both frustrated, busy, and need some space to get things out.

When you’re angry, as you both were, is not an ideal time to try to resolve anything. As to what to do now … my advice give each other some space and drop it for now. Get some time at the weekend for the two of you without the kids and figure out a solution to your planning issues. It sounds like you both need to work at that.

Are you their step mum?

Buy an A4 diary, day per page.

Put a solicitor's appointment in it.

Take a breath.

Ask when’s a good time to stop and have a chat. Bite your tongue until it’s time for that chat.

Then point out things are really bad between you which is sad, does he have any ideas for sorting it out.

And wait. Get the conversation started positively, and wait for him to engage. Hopefully he will and you can come up with some joint strategies and solutions.

Do not suggest the calendar or it will be another thing you are nagging him to do and using to bully him. Let him suggest it, then you can both buy in to it.

Read your middle paragraph and can you honestly say he's not a waste of your life?

He's not nice to you.

You really don't like each other very much. Misunderstandings should not end in telling each other to leave or blowing off to this extent.

I agree.

Op, just get a large A4 diary and write in it and both agree to check in it before making arrangements.

None of that matters - simple communication and a calendar can sort it.

The real issue is him dragging up all sorts to throw into an escalating argument and finishing with telling OP to leave - that is not a healthy relationship

This to me sounds like one of those posts where the other person would have a very different interpretation of what actually happened, and of the general tone of the discussion. It's impossible to say who's being unreasonable here. Your DH might be a horrible arsehole who doesn't give a shit about your plans and can never accept that he made a mistake, or you might be a picky control freak who constantly finds fault with him and makes him feel like shit, and he's reached the end of his tether. I don't think any of us here can really adjudicate.

Im confused but the references multiple times to him “asking you to leave”. I’m assuming you live together…? And that these are your joint children? Are you saying he’s attempting to kick you out of your home when you have an argument.

He sounds insufferable and I wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t behave like an adult, discuss issues and take responsibility for their part in situations like this. The fact that you say he is like this often is worrying

So he announces plans and doesn't do anything about them to yell at you when you want to know what's going on.

If he tells you to leave, leave. He's behaving like a brat, and that's bring generous.

I think a family calendar would work if he cared but it sounds like he just wants to pontificate and let you do the running around. This is another term for bullying.

In the short term I'd put into action what I wanted and ignore his noise. A makeshift calendar can easily be knocked up and printed off.

If he fails to use it but keeps doing what he does, I'd be speaking to a solicitor as there's no way you can live like this without going doolally. Then tell him that HE can leave and his bags are by the door. That way he gets to do whatever he wants but without inconveniencing you. Or upsetting his child.

Thank you! That was really helpful.

OP, that sounds infuriating. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

You have communication issues for sure. DH used to do this "here's all the things that have annoyed me" kitchen-sink thing whenever we argued, and it was making me anxious. We agreed that he would raise his grievances with me more or less when they happened, or he had to let them go, because it wasn't fair to expect me to resolve something that might've happened 2 months ago that I hadn't realised was a problem. It sounds like your DH is using this argument as a pressure valve for other annoyances, which isn't fair (unless he's just being intentionally hurtful, which is even less fair).

We mostly address problems promptly now (both of us, as I've been guilty of kitchen-sinking him too) and it works much better. It sometimes feels like a blindside, but it's so much more easily resolved because I actually remember what we're talking about! It also means we talk about it more calmly because it hasn't had chance to sit and fester.

It's not you it's him. Your last paragraph in your OP says a lot about the relationship. He's primed you not to question him (for quite valid reasons) or else he will punish you like this. It's happened so many times now that you're sat wondering if YOU were out of order. You weren't. He's not very nice, is he.

Okay. What does this have to do with going away for work, the cinema and teenagers messing about, though?

He repeatedly says "let's do this" and she agrees, which Op assumes means it's happening, but he apparently doesn't, so she doesn't make alternative plans and then it doesn't happen (camping, work night away).

He makes plans without telling her, despite the fact they impact her (DDs play date. Teens coming over during the day), and doesn't tell her, then she's the bad guy when she has an issue with it.

He double books (cinema when they already have plans) and doesn't tell Op or see it as an issue, meaning she's constantly on alert for changing plans last minute

that doesn’t contradict anything I said so not sure why you quoted me. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? Sounds like they’d be better off apart frankly especially if he has knee jerk reactions to any argument?

Anyway, if someone was regularly telling me to leave, I’d have left. Continued disrespect isn’t okay, OP. Whatever else is going on.

Okay. What does this have to do with going away for work, the cinema and teenagers messing about, though?