Husband didn't tell me

It's in the opening post.

Search the page for 'druggy crowd', it's the first hit.

@diddl I am struggling to see in OPs posts when filtered where she’s referred to a “druggie crowd” that he hangs out with? I can see op has said she has friends that take drugs recreationally (whereas she doesn’t), but nothing to reference her historical knowledge of DHs friends until she’s found out about DHs cocaine and MDMA today.

You sound way too good for this man OP and both you and he know that.

I have been in your situation with my ex and I trusted him implicitly and thought he respected me enough to be honest but he was taking drugs behind my back.

I knew his friends took them but he always swore he stayed away and didn’t agree with it. We were also trying for a baby although I was much keener than he was.
I had a good job, paid the majority of bills, was close to my family and had a tight group of friends. My ex had a tougher upbringing and had even been in prison before we met but for the first few years he stayed out of trouble and worked full time and we moved in together and were happy.

One of his friends split up with his long term girlfriend and encouraged my ex to go out or round to his house with other friends all the time and they were both taking drugs. I was working night shifts and trusted him and was just happy he wasn’t sat at home alone, I look back and can’t believe my naivety.

I found out what was going on and gave him an ultimatum, he stopped seeing that friend, stopped taking drugs, I changed my hours to be at home in the evenings and was constantly checking up on him.

In the end he left me for a teenage girl as he obviously just wasn’t ready to grow up. I was absolutely devastated to the point I ended up in hospital but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

He is still with the same girl, they got married and they have multiple children, he still takes drugs and is in and out of prison. She is only in her twenties and looks broken, I think every time she has a baby it’s in the hope of changing him. He’s in his forties though so it’s unlikely he ever will.
I look at his wife and I just feel so grateful that it’s not me in that position, wondering where he is, what and who he’s doing and dealing with children on top of all that. I feel desperately sorry for the kids.

I have been with my current partner over 10 years, he experimented with weed and pills as a teen but has touched nothing since and doesn’t want to.
We met a group on holiday we went out with a few times who were taking coke and tried so hard to convince me and DP to take it. I’ve taken it in the past and vowed never to touch it again but they really put pressure on DP.
In the end he could see I was worrying he might give into pressure so we went off on our own. He has absolute respect for me and knows that I would have been disappointed in him and that was enough for him to say no.

You have been in this relationship a long time and normalised the abnormal. You come across as naive but I suspect that’s self preservation because you don’t want to face to the truth and blow your life apart.

You are strong enough to walk away and start a new life with someone who values you and respects you and who you can trust. If you want to have a baby then you need a solid partnership, it sounds like your husband is just going along with this and it’s not what he really wants.
Having a baby is hard enough with a supportive husband but raising a baby alone is extremely difficult and I always think single parents are superheroes! Can you imagine how much anger and resentment you’d carry if you were left to raise a baby whilst your husband went out and you suspected he was taking drugs?

I hope you find the courage and strength to leave and be happy. You are always better off alone than with someone who makes you feel like you are on your own anyway.

Mumsnet can be bitchy but you’ve had some very good advice and support here, it is much easier to open up when it’s anonymous. There are plenty of people who have been in a similar situation to you so you will have people to talk and vent to if you go ahead and leave your husband. I hope you have a decent support network too.

In a years time you could look back on this chapter of your life and think “Thank god I realised my self worth and started a new life”
Maybe you could save this thread for times you question if your marriage is worth saving.

I really hope things work out no matter what you choose.

That makes more sense now. Thanks!

Not necessarily. has said that she has friends that use drugs so is on mind, and also 15 years together so potentially aware of circles even if not suspicious of DH

Realistically though, what are the chances that he regularly hangs around with a "druggy crowd" & never indulges?

I don't think it was supposed to be a nasty comment, I presume it was meant to come across as have they both (OP and husband) put the effort in to TTC, or just OP

Edit - I'm guessing husband hasn't put much effort in given that he hasn't dropped his druggy lifestyle

Sadly I agree.
I would pity a wee baby being brought into the mix.
You would be on tenterhooks often, wondering what state your dh would be in.
Financially could you afford taking the hit if he lost his job due to alcohol or drug abuse ?

Look I might be a bit twitchy in the subject because my DM was an addict.

i can tell you that despite everything, 100% of addicts eventually give up drugs.

problem is that in 99% of cases it’s when they’re lowered into the ground.

they do a lot of damage in the interim.

as i said, good luck.

I really hope you won’t have a baby with this man, OP. He doesn’t sound like he could be a good father as things are, and what are the chances of them changing?

i agree with everything that’s been said about low sperm quality, bad parenting, regularly upsetting you which would affect your parenting,
the effect of constant strife on a child, and if you split up and he had unsupervised contact, how would he treat that child?

Without a complete and sustained change of attitude and behaviour (unlikely), I wouldn’t go there.

What a nasty comment.

Look what you have achieved in life despite being with this waste of skin....now imagine all the amazing things you could achieve without him dragging you down!
Best of luck OP, you've got this and you don't need to argue or explain yourself to him or anyone else. Go start your new and improved life xxx

@diddl @Farting @Starlight1979 Not necessarily. @northchesterforest has said that she has friends that use drugs so is on mind, and also 15 years together so potentially aware of circles even if not suspicious of DH. Also, we live in a world where casual drug use is more commonplace, more so depending on what part of UK. I don’t think it’s fair to assume the no drug agreement is based on DH being an assumed druggie in the first place.
my DH is aware of my anti drugs stance, and it has nothing to do with whether I think he would do them, but more because I recognise it is more commonplace and have had friends in the past use who I would not have expected to.

Yeah this. When DP goes out / away I don't for a second think I need to warn him about taking drugs! Mind you I suppose he doesn't have a load of druggie mates. His mostly go to the football and down the pub with a few pints of ale 😂

The fact that he hangs around with a "druggie crowd" would make me wonder why you're even shocked. People tend to associate with people like them.

This is exactly the point. If it wasn’t a clear and present danger you wouldn’t need an agreement.

The potential problem wouldn’t even be on the radar. Not even a subject.

The no drugs agreement was coming from a place of me being worried that something might happen to him/ hurt him if he did that.

I think for a lot of us though we just don't need that talk as our OH has no interest in drugs.

Just read the full thread. Sorry to hear your news. Most drug addicts, my mother included only give up when they’re buried.

honestly, get out.

good luck.

Why did you even have a “no drugs agreement” - we wouldn’t even contemplate needing that type of agreement because neither of us would even contemplate drugs.

hes gone and got blotto on some drug / drink combo and is fucked up.

I'm so sorry 😞 but not surprised. If he really didn't do drugs etc he wouldn't be hanging around with his druggy mates. He's not who you thought he was and he's not who you want as the father of your children. It's a horrible way to find this out, I hope you have the strength to leave and meet someone new. Take care of yourself lovely 💐

Sorry op I’ve not read any of the other posts, just yours.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had this man lying to you for all this time. You’re sat worrying in hospital about him and he’s been lying to your face.

I hope you’re okay! It will all be a shock to your system but put yourself first and think about what you need!

I'm far from being anti-drugs. DH and I enjoy a dabble now and again. The difference being neither of us made a promise not to touch drugs. Neither of us lie about it. Neither of us have addiction issues or overdo things.

OPs DH has broken her trust, lied and has clearly put himself in a dangerous situation. And it seems this isn't just a one off.

I think grown adults should be able to do what they want but people are also allowed to have boundaries. People have boundaries with porn, smoking, even dietary choices. Boundaries should be discussed before entering into a relationship and if people aren't compatible with each others boundaries they shouldn't just lie and make empty promises.

If OPs DH was into drugs then he shouldn't have made promises that he wouldn't take them. He should have found someone who didn't mind his habit. He's been deceitful the entire relationship. He's allowed OP to waste the majority of her fertile years knowing he wasn't the man she thought she'd married and having no intention to ever be.

I would be more worried about the fit than the coke.

Well now you know the truth Op, please save yourself from the life you and your DC would have had. I know you want a DC but a drunken, drug addled father is far too high a price for that DC to pay. Be strong Op and go

I’m sorry that you have found out that your husband is much worse than you imagined.

I hope you can safely leave him. Don’t be afraid of being on your own. It seems terrifying after a long term relationship but you can do it. It will be hard at times but you will then meet a good man who will make your life even better. Find him and don’t spend any more time on this guy. He doesn’t deserve you.

I'm so sorry OP. I would feel exactly the same. Better off without this dickhead in your life even if you don't feel it immediately.