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Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
AInightingale · 09/08/2024 01:28

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 21:16

@northchesterforest did he have a head CT?

Like there's anything worthwhile going on in there......

You dodged a bullet OP. You won't get those years back but you're still very lucky.

Kimchie · 09/08/2024 01:11

Sorry you’ve had to go through this op, and all the detective work on top because he would t be honest.
please don’t waste any more of your precious life with this loser, he does not have the same goals as you and ultimately is not good enough for you.
i had a baby with a alcoholic, I left when my son was small; it was easier to leave than stay with someone who could not be trusted to be honest or keep us or even himself safe.

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 09/08/2024 00:47

I'm sorry OP. What a horrible shock.

Flowers
Washingupdone · 09/08/2024 00:37

I am so sorry you have been lied to.
He may have his driving license withdrawn because of the fits.

Thank goodness you are not pregnant as The Lancet says Both paternal and maternal SUD were associated with an increased risk of ID in offspring, with greatest risk observed when AUD was diagnosed ...

Original poster
northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 00:17

I'm ok. Thank you for everyone's support. It's a lot.. we've been together for forever. DH is at his mums.

OP posts:
Greatbritish · 09/08/2024 00:07

How are you doing @northchesterforest ?

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/08/2024 00:00

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:34

Also is it normal to have a fit when you take coke? I'm upset that he was unconscious. Also that no one found medical help.

A friend of ours was introduced to coke by a new girlfriend. He had a fit after taking his first line and unfortunately died, he was 43.

Teacherprebaby · 08/08/2024 22:03

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 12:33

Just got off the phone with his best friend.

Apparently they've been taking coke and MDMA for years. I'm done.

Just remember that....he didn't give a SHIT about trying for a baby with you, too busy acting like a 23 year old with his mates. I'm sorry. You will find someone worthy of having a child with.

opalring · 08/08/2024 21:47

End it.

Closetheblinds · 08/08/2024 21:45

WitchyBits · 07/08/2024 10:29

If I was you, I'd sit him down and say " well I've just had an interesting phone conversation about the stag do. You need to tell me absolutely everything and this is your only chance " and then sit back in silence and wait for him to spill his guts.

I have questions that is want to find the answers to though. Why didn't his "friends" call him an ambulance? Where there strippers/sex workers there? Why did he choose to do drugs? Why did he choose to go KNOWING there would be drugs and that he would partake?

Honestly you have problems enough without the Health stuff associated with a drug induced fit. Why you would bring a baby into this is beyond me. In your shoes I'd be bailing as this is what your future is going to be like.

The detail of your opening is manipulative and shows insecurity. I hope the op doesn’t take this advice, lying to get information smh.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 21:16

@northchesterforest did he have a head CT?

NoMoreLifts · 08/08/2024 21:01

NoMoreLifts · 08/08/2024 20:44

I think it's quite unusual for a grown up person (mid-thirties?) to take cocaine for the first time. Just doesn't seem likely.

Show quote history

Sorry, just read your updates. Don't usually post without rtft.
Hold your head high and make your best choices for the future you want and deserve.

rainydays03 · 08/08/2024 20:46

NoMoreLifts · 08/08/2024 20:44

I think it's quite unusual for a grown up person (mid-thirties?) to take cocaine for the first time. Just doesn't seem likely.

Show quote history

No exactly that, very unusual - but I think the fact that he’s clearly hidden it well suggests it’s maybe not a huge problem…yet!

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/08/2024 20:45

You have a husband with substance abuse issues whatever the substance. You have known him for 15 years and married him just a year ago. Why?

NoMoreLifts · 08/08/2024 20:44

rainydays03 · 07/08/2024 12:11

1000% this won’t have been the first time he’s done coke - however as you think this is likely the first time then that in itself isn’t really the issue here - as others have said he’s a grown man and it sound as though it’s a very occasional thing. Some people couldn’t accept that, some people could -
that’s up to you.

The issue however is not only lying about that, but that he’s already created a story to cover a bigger lie that’s likely to come out soon.

As others have said, he’s taken it too far this time and can now try and cover himself by saying he’s had a fit so can’t remember, the insomnia is almost certainly guilt .

Your TTC plans need to absolutely go on hold though until you can be sure this is stable enough to bring a child into - a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship.

I think it's quite unusual for a grown up person (mid-thirties?) to take cocaine for the first time. Just doesn't seem likely.

Blogswife · 08/08/2024 20:24

It would have been over for me as soon as he admitted taking coke . The rest of it just confirms that he’s not fit to be a father and you’re too good for him Op.

ThistleTits · 08/08/2024 20:05

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

Drinking is very much in the equation as well as drugs and lying to you. We can all dismiss the negatives of someone's personality when we want them to be someone they are not. Before having a child perhaps it would be best to remember the less positives of his personality. A baby will not change him.

Might have done a bit more than coke to have a seizure too.

YourWildAmberSloth · 08/08/2024 19:52

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

We have a good relationship but honestly I'm worried I can't trust him sometimes and that he hides things from me.

He is really upset but it feels a bit like a broken record.

You don't have a good relationship if you don't or can't trust him - sorry.

FeetLikeFlippers · 08/08/2024 19:38

“My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.” As soon as I read that my first thought was “cocaine” and my second was “lying bastard”. He’s not smoking a bit of weed, cocaine is a nasty drug that makes people arrogant and selfish (or more so than they already are) and it’s very addictive and expensive so people who use it a lot are often compulsive liars because they’re trying to hide it from their families, employers etc. It’s just a massive red flag about his priorities (clearly not you or being a responsible parent) and his ability to lie is worrying.

Do you really want to bring children into this mess? I have a “friend” of a friend who was a coke addict and hid it from everybody. My friend didn’t know about his addiction and took pity on him when he made out the split from his partner was all down to her. He stayed with my friend and his then 12 year old DS until he accidentally left his coke paraphernalia in the bathroom and was swiftly ejected. His partner only found out he was an addict after they’d had two children who are now teenagers and thoroughly fucked up from having a dad who cared more about cocaine than he did them. He comes across so normal, has a respectable job on a massive salary working in IT (apart from the few months he spent in prison for attacking his ex), his DDs want nothing to do with him, he’s lied about his salary to avoid paying child support etc etc etc. I could go on - people like this have no shame and rarely change. Sorry OP but I can’t see it ending well if you have children with this “man”.

Wishicouldlovemyself · 08/08/2024 19:32

@northchesterforest I hope you're OK and taking time to process this.

Mumof3confused · 08/08/2024 19:14

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

If you were my friend or daughter I’d be talking you out of having a baby with him based on this conversation alone. The rest just cements my opinion. It WILL get worse once you are pregnant.

ThatFunFinch · 08/08/2024 18:53

If he drinks too much and does drugs and lies to you and you don’t trust him, why are you trying to have a child with him ?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 08/08/2024 10:21

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 09:28

What? You’re just going to minimise that he has a seizure and has felt unwell since? He’s a liar. The OP is enduring fertility treatment. And he needs to see a doctor.

Some people on here are prepared to put up with so much shit. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

I hadn't read about the 15 years of lying when I wrote that.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 08/08/2024 09:28

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 07/08/2024 10:25

Give him a second chance. At least he's confessed. Everyone deserves a second chance, but I believe in "three strikes and you're out". Hopefully he'll learn from this that coke doesn't agree with him.

What? You’re just going to minimise that he has a seizure and has felt unwell since? He’s a liar. The OP is enduring fertility treatment. And he needs to see a doctor.

Some people on here are prepared to put up with so much shit. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2024 09:22

Hennypen321 · 08/08/2024 09:19

It can’t be done by him. He’s been chronically lying to her for years and probably throwing away her fertile years while lying himself blue about how much he’d like a baby too.

That's true, I never lied to anyone about my weekend antics.
But I met someone at 28 who made it clear that my behaviour wouldn't be tolerated if we were to have a relationship so I made that positive change and thank Christ I did!

this guy met someone who said it was a dealbreaker too. So he lied about it. He won’t change. Leave him to his self created health issues, tell him he could have had a great life but he will die on the floor of a party somewhere while his friends step over his body to keep partying, go celebrate your promotion and the fact that you are a complete human being.