Husband didn't tell me

Of course he can do what he likes.
But he doesn't have to lie
She doesn't have to stay with him
He wants to take drugs and lie about it
She wants an honest man she can trust
There's nothing dramatic about it.

OP I wish you well.

Giving you a huge hug @northchesterforest
You've had a massive shock.

He's led you to believe it was only his friends doing drugs. You've put your body through hell to hopefully prepare for a baby and he can't even keep the marching powder out of his nose.

I'm glad he's at his mum's and that you've got space to think, as you've got so much to process.

I've read @icanseefrombothsidesnow post and there is so much in there I agree with. I know a lot of very successful professionals who took everything going back in the 90s. Most of them still do MDMA on a big night out and coke at least once a fortnight. They'll only have a beer or 2, as alcohol isn't their stimulant of choice.

I wasn't aware of how prevalent drug taking was around me until I found out about one person and then I asked more questions of other friends. My friends knew my strong stance on hating drugs, so just didn't tell me what they were doing. They're still great people.

The difference is I wasn't in a relationship with them, and led to believe they weren't taking drugs. Being lied to by omission in that situation is different to a partner.

I've been on MN long enough to know that the loud and clear voice you hear is that even being near a joint means you are the scum of the earth who is a drug addict. Hardly anyone on MN can contemplate that they know anyone who may use drugs recreationally.
This simply is not the case. I was extremely surprised when I started asking my questions as to how many around me regularly do, or did, coke. My most shocking was the headteacher who told me that he and 6 other headteachers always did a few lines together at their termly conferences.

If drugs is your absolute hard line, then I'm sorry things are over between you two.

If, like @icanseefrombothsidesnow and I, you see drugs as a stimulant, then there's a chance things may be able to be worked out between you.

If he'd banged his head as he'd been pissed out of his skull, would you still see it the same way?

Wishing you the best.

Did A&E reach any conclusions about the seizure?

I’m so so sorry OP but you deserve so much better. Stay strong and picture your life in 3 years time. Would you really want him there or would you be thinking that you could have got out 3 years before (when you had a huge wake up call) and be living a much happier life, away from all the lies, mistrust and worry?

Can you imagine attending that wedding with all those people who know how he’s been lying to you?

Keep your resolve (easier said than done I know) but you will be better off in the long run. Onwards and upwards x

If you've read her updates, you'll know she's done, he's at his mum's and she's sad but enforcing a boundary she's always had and he knew about.

Your post is just nasty.

My prediction for the day: You will go and 'really think about everything that has been said here'. Genuinely, you will. You will feel distraught and worried. Then, after a little water has passed under the bridge, you'll carry on with your conviction that he's a great guy who just drinks a bit much. This was really a one off and he was just so pressured by his mates on that one holiday. You'll continue to be blinded by your own want for a baby and a marriage, and you'll bring your child into a home with problematic alcohol and drug use, and lies. You'll have what you wanted, but you'll keep coming to Mumsnet and posting the occasional update on what this useless excuse for a man has done this year. It won't be too frequent, or he knows you might actually wake up, just frequent enough for you to look back sadly at your life and wish it had all been a bit different. But hey, it's probably all going to be worth it because, other than the drink and drugs, he's fab. Oh yes, and the lies. But other than that a true prince amongst men. He'll be a great Daddy. Good luck with your choice.

(Your alternative choice - wake the actual fuck up and get some therapy to work out why staying, never mind trying to get pregnant, is even slightly the option that made sense to you)

It's not dramatic to be upset that your husband took drugs, had a fit and then lied to you about both of these things, when you are trying to expand your family together.

@northchesterforest I skipped a page…

Just seen your post above.
I am sad that this has all come to light & that your uncertainty about trusting him was well placed.

I wish you all the best.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit
Agreed. I was just attempting to put a different perspective forward. I, and my friends have always had honest relationships with our husbands.
Obv, NHS advice should be adhered to, but in the real world, it isn't.
I've met many, many people in the course of my social life and career, who take recreational drugs, some without the knowledge of their partner. Many in careers that you would be surprised about. I'd rather it be talked about than lied about or ignored.

This is the underlying current in your relationship - he hides things from you.

Why? Is he being his honest true self with you? Are there communication issues? Is he OK enough but needs the let-out of lying?

TTC is an all round challenge & this can put considerable pressure on a relationship. This on top of unresolved issues can intensify underlying anxieties & tensions.

This may be hard to consider, but I suggest that you pause your fertility programme until you both have resolved matters between you, & that you do this promptly by undertaking couple counselling.

icanseefrombothsidesnow
I'm not being funny but I don't think your lived experience and that of your husbands will ever become standard NHS advice on cocaine use/misuse.
Cocaine affects your whole body but specifically impacts on your heart, of which we have one , and which pumps blood round our bodies. I would not myself want to fuck around with my hearts normal operation.
Seriously OP I hope you are OK, this is a totally shattering experience for you.
I think you sound fabulous by the way so I am sure you will go from this point with strength.

All best wishes from a random Internet stranger.

Ps I'm not condoning recreational drug use, I've seen the devastation it can cause but, I think it's only right to have a balanced view. My parents never took drugs, my mum has never drunk alcohol or smoked, neither has my dad (alcohol occasionally) I had a wonderful childhood and am still very close to my parents, as are all my friends.

I've NC for this. I hope your husband is ok. I'm coming from a different perspective and will get flamed for it but....here goes:
I was heavily involved in the acid house / house movement which started in 1988 when I was 17. I met my husband at a London club in 89. We, and all our friends took a lot of Es and coke. We travelled a lot including seasons in Ibiza, Australia, India and Thailand. We all went on to have professional jobs, bought houses in London in our late 20s and a few are millionaires now - lots of different career paths. We all have young adult children who are at uni or in successful careers, including Law and Education and Police.
Recreational drug use does not make someone a bad parent in my experience. We all were/are great parents; I was on my children's school PTA and was a school governor, whilst working as a civil servant and then on the SLT of a London independent school. I'm now self employed as is my husband, he is earning £200 ph. My children excelled in their extra curricular activities: horse riding, musical theatre, cricket, football, athletics. They are very well adjusted, confident, sociable young adults who are en route to be on the property ladder in London by the time they are 30, as we were. Most of our friends children are the same.
Taking coke will often keep you awake but doesn't usually cause seizures. But Withdrawing from alcohol does. MDMA (E but in powder form) and Ket can.
Therefore, I don't see it as a deal breaker. But you need to talk.
I don't take coke anymore and i stopped taking E when I was trying to conceive 26yrs ago. No drugs including alcohol were taken when trying to conceive nor when I was pregnant or BF. We did indulge afterwards but our babies were with our parents overnight (we are very lucky in that both sets of grandparents were more than happy to babysit when we went out once a month)
My husband still takes coke when he goes out occasionally. Our children are very health conscious and don't really drink and don't smoke. Both are in relationships and have great social lives. Neither take drugs (we would know- making cheese on toast and conversing with your parents at 4am is not what a coke/ket uses does)
We are still close friends with those we met in our teens.
We did 'work hard, play hard' as was the norm working/living in London through the 90s/00s.
I wish you and your husband well. Set your boundaries, both whilst trying to conceive and when you become parents. But, I can assure you, cocaine use is rife.
More people I know became addicted to alcohol and a few have died prematurely, very sadly. I wish alcohol was much less widely available.
You obv have a solid relationship and I hope you can get through this. My husband and I have been together since 1989 and married since 2000.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. Your request was reasonable. H isn’t , he won’t change - his love for his friends, drugs and drink are too intoxicating.

Stay strong and don’t fall for his lies. He’s shown you who he really is & any life with a man like him would be miserable

From your description, OP, he is an alcoholic cokehead. I hope that in your situation I would run away and stay away.

❤️❤️

Remember he will lie and promise and charm you. Be strong.

northchesterforest, ignore snarky comments like that. They are not made by happy, kind people.

What a pair of nasty women you two are. Like knitters at an execution.

She didn't say it was all his friend's fault. As well as being furious with her husband she is also furious with the friend for his part.

She might, though. Some people do leave.

Try not to feel like shit. You are not stupid or an idiot. You just wanted to trust your husband. He has totally let you down, lied to you, betrayed your agreement.

You are doing the right thing by asking for advice and opinions and it's obvious you are listening. You are going to be alright.

I get it that he is "loving" etc, but he is also a really really irresponsible, selfish liar with no respect for you when it comes to what he wants to do.

p.s. I would not bloody be kind to him. He needs to sort himself out. You can't make him. He has to do it and he won't if you forgive him and are all "kind" and understanding. Best of luck to you.

@WitchyBits If I was you, I'd sit him down and say " well I've just had an interesting phone conversation about the stag do. You need to tell me absolutely everything and this is your only chance " and then sit back in silence and wait for him to spill his guts.
Oh come on, is this amateur hour or what? Where's your exploitation of human behaviour, deference to superior authority, opportunities to rationalise, devaluation of information, flattery and exoneration, belittling of cherished individuals? Why aren't you using direct statements, stressing the futility of withholding information, where's your tiny carrot and big stick, your petit pois and sledgehammer? What about rapid-fire questioning, goalpost shifting, and subject changing so as he gets overwhelmed by stress and blurts something out which he didn't mean to admit? Pride and Ego up/down? Simulated temperamental outbursts?

Honestly, if you're not willing to do this properly then I've no sympathy for you when the only thing that males ever say to you is along the lines of "2106xxx2 SHARPE, TROOPER, 13/11/197x, NO RELIGION SIR, I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION SIR".

There's no such thing as too sensitive about drugs or even alcohol, imo, if that's a dealbreaker for you. You don't have to accept that, if it's not something you want in your life.

When you're feeling up to dating again, it's okay to make your boundaries clear early on to weed out the ones who don't meet this basic requirement. It may narrow your field of options, but there are men who will be on the same wavelength.

I agree, plus he was drinking, possibly quite a lot and coke and drugs can be a toxic combination.

He will be fine, op, this was a one off fit, but I do understand your trust issues.

It sounds as though he has frightened himself and I doubt he will do that again.