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Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Fairyflaps · 09/08/2024 10:01

An ex of mine had a seizure that was initially assumed to be an epileptic fit on the morning after a big night out. It turned out to be an extreme version of the DTs arising from his alcohol abuse. My family has a history of epilepsy, and with some that have died as a result (a family member had drowned only a year earlier), so I was really concerned.
I assumed that this would be the trigger for him to address his drinking, but no. He just treated it as a laugh and carried on. That was what ended the relationship.
You can't change people who don't want to change. You can only change what you do, and I think you've made the right choice.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 09/08/2024 10:01

Those suggesting drugs are no different to alcohol are ignoring the law, as well as the vulnerable adults and children who are used and severly abused in the supply chain. Those who use drugs are part of that abuse - whether they are addicts or recreational users. OP you drew your line, and I admire you greatly for that. Good luck.

AInightingale · 09/08/2024 09:53

I don't think enough research has ever been done into the sperm quality of men who persistently abuse drugs - we seem to focus on women ttc, on conditions like FAS etc. Really not a good idea to have babies with these sort of men. It's just not clear if damage is being done and that's a tragedy for any children born.

mommatoone · 09/08/2024 09:52

Sorry this has happened OP. I'm a firm beliver that things happen for a reason. You are too good for him. Wishing you all the best.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/08/2024 09:48

If you're going to be nasty @SardinesOnGingerbread then at least read the OP updates.

@northchesterforest I do wish you all the best. You are too good for this person. Thank goodness you found out before falling pregnant.

Washingupdone · 09/08/2024 09:44

Take care of yourself. Good luck

candycane222 · 09/08/2024 09:37

...no longer have to wonder as he's not her problem any more 👍

candycane222 · 09/08/2024 09:36

Hopefully he won't be so daft again and more to the point happily for OP she will no longer have to wonder 'did he didn't he? will he drink too much even if he stays off the class As?', etc.

What a lying little prick he is. Ugh OP, I am so sorry. You must be feeling devastated 😢

oakleaffy · 09/08/2024 09:24

@northchesterforest The first thing I thought of when he said he'd not slept for two nights was ''Stimulants''

Coke is cut with all sorts - It is also really cardiotoxic, especially in conjunction with alcohol.

Hopefully he won't be so daft again.

RappersNeedChapstick · 09/08/2024 09:24

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 09:06

We are going our separate ways. I've got space now to think now and focus on me and my next steps.

I think that's definitely the right thing to do.

It will be tough, you've been with him a long time but remember whatever he says to you, he has form for lying.

Nannyfannybanny · 09/08/2024 09:14

I am sorry this has happened to you. I just wanted to add, I worked on a specialist stroke ward,we had guys late 20s to 40s having a stroke caused by drug abuse. My own stupid DD in her 40s, (yes high powered job in Banking) mostly coke, she had worrying symptoms,an MRI which was negative. Did rehab,swore she would never do it again! Changed jobs, moved away from the city, and temptation. To be honest, I don't even ask her anymore. I told her my experience, without lectures because she is an adult.

Greatbritish · 09/08/2024 09:13

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 09:06

We are going our separate ways. I've got space now to think now and focus on me and my next steps.

Then I wish you well. There is no future if the trust has gone.

Be good to yourself as you get over this break up.

MrRydersParlourGame · 09/08/2024 09:12

I also have friends and acquaintances who take illegal drugs / get dangerously drunk. I actively chose not to be in a romantic relationship with any of them because that is emphatically something I do not want in building a life with someone, or as a father to my children.

I am attracted to what I consider to be (and I'm sure some will take offence to this) proper, competent, stable grown-ups and however much I might care for friends who continue to dip this sort of thing, to me this disqualified you from that label.

Others may feel differently, which is up to them, but it sounds like you feel the same. If so, it is conpletely legitimate to feel that way.

That's before you even get to the lying. Once trust is broken, on something this fundamental that he knew was a boundary for you, for me it is gone forever. It's not even a one-off mistake or moment of weakness. He had lied to you consistently and repeatedly for an easy life and getting to have his cake and eat it, regardless of your wants, needs and agency. That's a deep-set character trait (flaw) and for that reason I'd be showing him the door.

I'd much rather be by myself than in a relationship where those things are a feature.

3luckystars · 09/08/2024 09:10

You have had a huge shock and I just wanted to wish you all the best on your path. You are better off but it’s still not easy. Good luck to you x x

Original poster
northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 09:08

The difference was I didn't think he lied before. I would have trusted him completely, even when he confessed to making mistakes.

OP posts:
letsjustdothis · 09/08/2024 09:08

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 09:06

We are going our separate ways. I've got space now to think now and focus on me and my next steps.

Definitely the right decision, you don't want someone with drink, drug and lying issues as your baby's dad.

Plastoslax · 09/08/2024 09:07

Good luck

Original poster
northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 09:06

We are going our separate ways. I've got space now to think now and focus on me and my next steps.

OP posts:
RappersNeedChapstick · 09/08/2024 09:03

It's the lying I can't get past now, and the circumstances around what I'm doing TTC and how disrespected I feel

So what are you going to do? You've already given him a third chance? He really doesn't have any respect for your feelings or boundaries does he?

timenowplease · 09/08/2024 08:58

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:52

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

Show quote history

Make sure not to waste more of your life with this guy either. You deserve so much more.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:58

Greatbritish · 09/08/2024 07:46

Giving you a huge hug @northchesterforest
You've had a massive shock.

He's led you to believe it was only his friends doing drugs. You've put your body through hell to hopefully prepare for a baby and he can't even keep the marching powder out of his nose.

I'm glad he's at his mum's and that you've got space to think, as you've got so much to process.

I've read @icanseefrombothsidesnow post and there is so much in there I agree with. I know a lot of very successful professionals who took everything going back in the 90s. Most of them still do MDMA on a big night out and coke at least once a fortnight. They'll only have a beer or 2, as alcohol isn't their stimulant of choice.

I wasn't aware of how prevalent drug taking was around me until I found out about one person and then I asked more questions of other friends. My friends knew my strong stance on hating drugs, so just didn't tell me what they were doing. They're still great people.

The difference is I wasn't in a relationship with them, and led to believe they weren't taking drugs. Being lied to by omission in that situation is different to a partner.

I've been on MN long enough to know that the loud and clear voice you hear is that even being near a joint means you are the scum of the earth who is a drug addict. Hardly anyone on MN can contemplate that they know anyone who may use drugs recreationally.
This simply is not the case. I was extremely surprised when I started asking my questions as to how many around me regularly do, or did, coke. My most shocking was the headteacher who told me that he and 6 other headteachers always did a few lines together at their termly conferences.

If drugs is your absolute hard line, then I'm sorry things are over between you two.

If, like @icanseefrombothsidesnow and I, you see drugs as a stimulant, then there's a chance things may be able to be worked out between you.

If he'd banged his head as he'd been pissed out of his skull, would you still see it the same way?

Wishing you the best.

I understand as I have friends who take drugs. I feel differently as they are adults in their own relationships and they can choose a path for themselves.
I do feel the same about dangerous drinking. I drink and get a bit drunk sometimes on a night out, but I'm the same person and I'm always safe. DH has got into very unsafe situations in the past through alcohol and into messes where he is completely out of it on a night out. So I do feel the same about that and we have had second and third chance conversations before.

It's the lying I can't get past now, and the circumstances around what I'm doing TTC and how disrespected I feel.

OP posts:
RappersNeedChapstick · 09/08/2024 08:58

Are you staying with him @northchesterforest?

You've sunk a lot of years and time into this relationship to end up with someone who you can't trust.

He's not being a good husband and I don't think he'll make a good Dad.

BlackNugget · 09/08/2024 08:53

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:52

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

Show quote history

What have you decided to do? I’m so sorry that he has been lying to you for years.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:52

Marseillaise · 09/08/2024 07:39

Did A&E reach any conclusions about the seizure?

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

OP posts:
BlackNugget · 09/08/2024 08:36

WitchyBits · 07/08/2024 10:24

Op there is very likely more to this. He's drip feeding you information.

.