Page 2 | Husband didn't tell me

northchesterforest · 2024-08-07T09:22:55+00:00

I'm not sure what to do. My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible. He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked. I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't. We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd. He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me. I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit. I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking. I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

MeridianB · 11/08/2024 20:05

So sorry you’ve had this awful shock, OP. I think you’re incredibly brave by moving on alone and you won’t regret it.

Paisleydad · 11/08/2024 19:59

Greatbritish · 09/08/2024 07:46

Giving you a huge hug @northchesterforest
You've had a massive shock.

He's led you to believe it was only his friends doing drugs. You've put your body through hell to hopefully prepare for a baby and he can't even keep the marching powder out of his nose.

I'm glad he's at his mum's and that you've got space to think, as you've got so much to process.

I've read @icanseefrombothsidesnow post and there is so much in there I agree with. I know a lot of very successful professionals who took everything going back in the 90s. Most of them still do MDMA on a big night out and coke at least once a fortnight. They'll only have a beer or 2, as alcohol isn't their stimulant of choice.

I wasn't aware of how prevalent drug taking was around me until I found out about one person and then I asked more questions of other friends. My friends knew my strong stance on hating drugs, so just didn't tell me what they were doing. They're still great people.

The difference is I wasn't in a relationship with them, and led to believe they weren't taking drugs. Being lied to by omission in that situation is different to a partner.

I've been on MN long enough to know that the loud and clear voice you hear is that even being near a joint means you are the scum of the earth who is a drug addict. Hardly anyone on MN can contemplate that they know anyone who may use drugs recreationally.
This simply is not the case. I was extremely surprised when I started asking my questions as to how many around me regularly do, or did, coke. My most shocking was the headteacher who told me that he and 6 other headteachers always did a few lines together at their termly conferences.

If drugs is your absolute hard line, then I'm sorry things are over between you two.

If, like @icanseefrombothsidesnow and I, you see drugs as a stimulant, then there's a chance things may be able to be worked out between you.

If he'd banged his head as he'd been pissed out of his skull, would you still see it the same way?

Wishing you the best.

Your friends using drugs are not great people.

The head teachers using coke at conferences are morally redundant.

Both are supporting a nasty and violent underground trade in which women and children are exploited and abused. (And men of course).

The headteachers will regularly undertake and (be expected to) ensure that their staff are aware of the need to be aware of the problem and to manage safeguarding where children under their care are involved.

These headteachers need to give their heads a good hard wobble.

The drugs trade is nasty and not a laugh on a Friday evening.

Anyone here want their child told that if they don't hold a couple of grams or deliver a small packet that their mother or sister will be stabbed or raped? This happens.

pinkstripeycat · 11/08/2024 19:51

You have a no drug agreement in your relationship…..

It’s not something normal people have to agree upon. It’s usually standard to not take drugs, mainly because they are illegal 🙄

5128gap · 11/08/2024 19:29

Regardless of other people's views on drugs, you had a clear boundary in your relationship that it was to be drug free. He broke this and didn't have the honesty to admit to it. Instead he has allowed you to worry about him for three days, his insomnia then a seizure, which would make most people very concerned. He has allowed you to think all sorts before eventually admitting to the drug use.
So what have you learned about him? That he can't be trusted to stick to his word where drugs are concerned, that he will lie if he thinks you'll be annoyed with him, and that he'll take the lie to the wire, despite you being very worried for him. These are really not good traits in the prospective father if your child and would worry me far more than his abuse of his body.

JLou08 · 11/08/2024 19:19

I wouldn't take any notice of the people jumping to there being more that he is hiding. Taking drugs does cause insomnia and anxiety, add on to that having a seizure which must have been scary for him. He will be feeling guilty as he took drugs and risked his own life when you are TTC and have an agreement of no drugs.
He made a mistake, he has probably been stressed and wanted to let loose. Fertility journeys are hard on both parties.
What you do next is your choice, he did cross an agreed boundary. I would really suggest you don't get swayed by opinions from strangers on the internet though and make sure it's your decision and people aren't getting in your head making you more paranoid.

Pppppplease · 11/08/2024 19:09

I've had a drug induced seizure and watched others have them, they are NOT from just taking a little coke, it is from excessive consumption of drugs and its your bodies way of trying to remove them, many people die from drug induced seizures. For the friends to have not called for medical assistance is despicable in itself, what if he'd have not come around!!! If he took so many drugs that he had a seizure I wouldn't be worrying about him cheating and the likes, it's virtually impossible under the influence in that quantity. But I can bet you bottom dollar it wasn't his first time taking it..

Cityandmakeup · 11/08/2024 18:38

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:34

Also is it normal to have a fit when you take coke? I'm upset that he was unconscious. Also that no one found medical help.

Yes if you take too much. Most likely however he takes it a lot… it’s not something you just do one as once off as a grown up!

AlloftheTime · 11/08/2024 18:33

@northchesterforest i do wish you well. This must all be so difficult to be dealing with

lean on family and friends and enjoy your life.
🌺

Goldcushions2 · 11/08/2024 17:48

Myeyesrollwaytomuch · 11/08/2024 16:59

Coming from someone who has just spent the past 8 years bringing up 3 children not knowing he was a cocaine addict and it all coming out when I caught him cheating…. Leave him.

So awful.
My husband was telling me last year about a much younger colleague, early 40's, that seemed like a very normal family man with a chemical engineering degree.
He had a stroke whilst on a golfing trip with some buddies.
Turns out he had a drug habit no one knew about.
He spent 6 months in rehab and hasn't returned to work.
He is living with his elderly parents as his wife refused to have him home.
They are divorcing.
She has 3 children under the age of 6, so very hard.
Unbelievable that you can hide a habit like that from a spouse but apparently he is not alone on that score.
It caused ructions in their circle when it came out.
HDe wasn't the only one doing it and they were all married with young familys.

She refused to be his carer, she had rightly had enough going on with 3 small children.
Correct decision IMO.

TheShiningCarpet · 11/08/2024 17:39

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

good luck, you will fly without him dragging you down

Myeyesrollwaytomuch · 11/08/2024 16:59

Coming from someone who has just spent the past 8 years bringing up 3 children not knowing he was a cocaine addict and it all coming out when I caught him cheating…. Leave him.

NonsuchCastle · 10/08/2024 18:20

icanseefrombothsidesnow · 09/08/2024 06:33

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit
Agreed. I was just attempting to put a different perspective forward. I, and my friends have always had honest relationships with our husbands.
Obv, NHS advice should be adhered to, but in the real world, it isn't.
I've met many, many people in the course of my social life and career, who take recreational drugs, some without the knowledge of their partner. Many in careers that you would be surprised about. I'd rather it be talked about than lied about or ignored.

It's common knowledge that drug use covers all classes. Nobody is surprised that you and your financially successful friends have taken drugs.
More to the point, as far as OP is concerned, is that they agreed not to do drugs and he has been lying to her regularly for months.

Cocococoa · 10/08/2024 07:36

northchesterforest · 09/08/2024 08:52

The seizure and all the symptoms around it were drug related. The CT scan was clear otherwise. I was so ashamed I told the doctor how sorry I was for wasting their time and resources.

Show quote history

Um you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about. Its nice to have apologized on behalf of your (ex?) partner but you yourself have done nothing wrong.

RappersNeedChapstick · 09/08/2024 23:38

Goldcushions2 · 09/08/2024 18:15

OP, you will not regret this bravery, brutal though it is.

He is not father material.
Please don't be tempted to accept and blame in this.
No "we both decided to split up as things just weren't working out".
Screw that.
"I found out he does Class A drugs on a regular basis, resulting in a seizure which put him in hospital....not father material"

Do not cover for this druggy liar who has given you the run a round.

You deserve so much better.

Absolutely. He does not deserve you lying on his behalf about why you've split.

Skye99 · 09/08/2024 22:38

Well done OP. 💐

Goldcushions2 · 09/08/2024 18:15

OP, you will not regret this bravery, brutal though it is.

He is not father material.
Please don't be tempted to accept and blame in this.
No "we both decided to split up as things just weren't working out".
Screw that.
"I found out he does Class A drugs on a regular basis, resulting in a seizure which put him in hospital....not father material"

Do not cover for this druggy liar who has given you the run a round.

You deserve so much better.

CarsAreExpensive · 09/08/2024 17:40

It's definitely the right choice OP. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my exDH of 10 years taking drugs secretly while being with me, apparently in social settings only. It has turned into more regular habit, he left for another woman who was also on drugs and became full time addict. All of this came out after he left and his friends came clean to me because of the impact his behaviour was having on our DC. He has not seen them in 6 months as I have put a stop to it. The emotional toll on them was huge, and there was a risk of physical too. He was constantly tired, irritated and used to drive them around ( before I knew he took drugs). You had a lucky escape as even though plenty of people take drugs socially, millions get addicted too. Pressure of having a child, family member dying or work issues can push a person very easily from social to addiction.

FromAClosetInNorway · 09/08/2024 13:37

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/08/2024 10:20

He needs to surrender his driving license as well, although it is suspected the seizure was drug related no-one can know that for sure, plus he can have more drug induced seizures!

Once he has been seizure free for a year he can start driving again. I don’t know if the hospital/gp will inform the DVLA of this. You can phone the GP yourself and tell them that he had a seizure and won’t inform the DVLA - then I think they are obliged to.

Some will say this is harsh / rengence but it really isn’t. He drove himself home after a drug induced seizure. He can not be trusted to make sensible decisions and driving could cost him and others their lives. Next time it could be the day after a big night out and he is behind the wheel when he has a seizure!

I’m sorry your life has been turned upside down like this and it is hard with the fertility treatment. Stay strong and know you are worth more that this. Your life will be better without bad behaviour from drink/drugs.

This is incorrect.

A seizure with no clinical evidence that it will happen again is 6 months.

Non epileptic seizures can be 6 months too. I have a heart condition which causes me to have seizures. I had to be 6 months the seizure free before I get my license back.
My neurologist and cardiologist and GP didn't report to DVLA, or even ask if I drove. I did it myself and went through the channels with them. The DVLA did write to my GP though when I was 6 months seizure free.

Having said that, I think anyone who has had a seizure is very stupid to get behind a wheel, especially the same day or day after. That's absolutely ludicrous and IMO as bad as drink driving.

He needs to stop driving for 6 months OP, if I knew him I'd report him to DVLA myself.

GrumpyMuleFan · 09/08/2024 12:23

I’ve just read through the whole thread and think you w made the right decision. Early on you said you were feeling drained by it all. That was just the tip. These things often unravel quickly, esp if someone has been lying. I think you sound so lovely and caring, with very clear boundaries of what suits you and what doesn’t. Let him go and don’t look back. The sun will shine again, no doubt brighter than before.

NamechangeRugby · 09/08/2024 12:10

Op, this is a blessing in disguise, grab it, stay strong and don't look back. You would never he able to trust him again. Utterly selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, greedy behaviour. Zero thought for anyone else. No thought for you, nor anyone else when he drove with substances in his system and no clue when they would wear off, nor all those suffering due to the drug trade, nor the health service who have pick up the pieces, nor his future family when he squandered his health.

@icanseefrombothsidesnow your argument appears to be 'me and my friends survived and have made lots of money, how great are we!' Oh please. Open your eyes. A great deal of the mess society is in is due to people with such low morals having unfortunately made it to trusted or influential positions, lining their own pockets, making very selfish or short term or just plain 'not great' decisions, because their ego is so large and their integrity so very, very low.

Movingonup313 · 09/08/2024 11:17

icanseefrombothsidesnow · 09/08/2024 06:15

I've NC for this. I hope your husband is ok. I'm coming from a different perspective and will get flamed for it but....here goes:
I was heavily involved in the acid house / house movement which started in 1988 when I was 17. I met my husband at a London club in 89. We, and all our friends took a lot of Es and coke. We travelled a lot including seasons in Ibiza, Australia, India and Thailand. We all went on to have professional jobs, bought houses in London in our late 20s and a few are millionaires now - lots of different career paths. We all have young adult children who are at uni or in successful careers, including Law and Education and Police.
Recreational drug use does not make someone a bad parent in my experience. We all were/are great parents; I was on my children's school PTA and was a school governor, whilst working as a civil servant and then on the SLT of a London independent school. I'm now self employed as is my husband, he is earning £200 ph. My children excelled in their extra curricular activities: horse riding, musical theatre, cricket, football, athletics. They are very well adjusted, confident, sociable young adults who are en route to be on the property ladder in London by the time they are 30, as we were. Most of our friends children are the same.
Taking coke will often keep you awake but doesn't usually cause seizures. But Withdrawing from alcohol does. MDMA (E but in powder form) and Ket can.
Therefore, I don't see it as a deal breaker. But you need to talk.
I don't take coke anymore and i stopped taking E when I was trying to conceive 26yrs ago. No drugs including alcohol were taken when trying to conceive nor when I was pregnant or BF. We did indulge afterwards but our babies were with our parents overnight (we are very lucky in that both sets of grandparents were more than happy to babysit when we went out once a month)
My husband still takes coke when he goes out occasionally. Our children are very health conscious and don't really drink and don't smoke. Both are in relationships and have great social lives. Neither take drugs (we would know- making cheese on toast and conversing with your parents at 4am is not what a coke/ket uses does)
We are still close friends with those we met in our teens.
We did 'work hard, play hard' as was the norm working/living in London through the 90s/00s.
I wish you and your husband well. Set your boundaries, both whilst trying to conceive and when you become parents. But, I can assure you, cocaine use is rife.
More people I know became addicted to alcohol and a few have died prematurely, very sadly. I wish alcohol was much less widely available.
You obv have a solid relationship and I hope you can get through this. My husband and I have been together since 1989 and married since 2000.

Your post is glorifying drug use. Cocaine abuse is not okay. It is dangerous. You are right, abuse of it is rife. Death related cocaine abuse is also rife. The health implications are also rife. I think it was very irresponsible to say i did it and I'm okay. (Some people use that to justify their own drug abuse.) The devastation caused by the illicit drug industry cannot be over estimated. The abuses of children and county lines is real and rife. Dealers are dealers and dont care. No morals. I would not "okay" drug abuse on a forum like this.

OP all the best to you moving on. You will be the better person and come off better. Your path and story will be brighter. Hopefully he sorts his drug abuse/underlying issues before its too late for him.

Portfun24 · 09/08/2024 11:08

I'm so sorry you have found this out and your worlds been turned upside down.

Just wanted to tell you about my friend who went through lots of fertility treatment to try conceive with her then husband, they ended up splitting up because he was an absolute arse to her before she conceived. She met her new husband and fell pregnant with him with no issues at all and said she's so thankful now that it never happened with her last husband and it was like the universe's way of telling her he wasn't a good match for her.

I hope in time when ready you meet someone who deserves you and have the family you want with no issues. Take care of yourself.

alrightluv · 09/08/2024 11:05

@northchesterforest wishing you well. I'm so sorry.

Dweetfidilove · 09/08/2024 10:24

Kelly51 · 07/08/2024 10:37

Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.
I never understand these posts, 15 years of crap then you marry him??
Why do woman continue to work against themselves ?

Beggars belief 🤦🏾‍♀️

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/08/2024 10:20

He needs to surrender his driving license as well, although it is suspected the seizure was drug related no-one can know that for sure, plus he can have more drug induced seizures!

Once he has been seizure free for a year he can start driving again. I don’t know if the hospital/gp will inform the DVLA of this. You can phone the GP yourself and tell them that he had a seizure and won’t inform the DVLA - then I think they are obliged to.

Some will say this is harsh / rengence but it really isn’t. He drove himself home after a drug induced seizure. He can not be trusted to make sensible decisions and driving could cost him and others their lives. Next time it could be the day after a big night out and he is behind the wheel when he has a seizure!

I’m sorry your life has been turned upside down like this and it is hard with the fertility treatment. Stay strong and know you are worth more that this. Your life will be better without bad behaviour from drink/drugs.