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Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Whingewithme · 07/08/2024 10:53

He likely didn’t have a fit. He has cheated on you and is using the idea of a fit to give a medical event which may cloud your ability to see the cheating for what it was. He hasn’t slept for guilt.

Forget the fit business and get the truth.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/08/2024 10:52

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.

Yes, but drinking isn't out of the equation. And instead of taking it out of the equation, he's added drugs to tye equation. And lying about them. This is part of your relationship. And if you have a child it will be part of their family life.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 10:51

I genuinely cannot for the life of me fathom why any woman would marry - and want a family with - a man who hangs out in a "druggy crowd"???

Surely this type of behaviour is for when you're young, free and single (early / late 20s max)?? I can't imagine how anyone could think this is a solid and reliable choice for a husband / father?

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:50

I feel like such an idiot

My mom had a string of bad relationships growing up which includes alcohol and abuse

I always thought I was too sensitive about alcohol but maybe i wasn't

OP posts:
Lindjam · 07/08/2024 10:48

He hangs out with a “druggy” crowd but you don’t think he does drugs.

OK

itsmylife7 · 07/08/2024 10:48

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

We have a good relationship but honestly I'm worried I can't trust him sometimes and that he hides things from me.

He is really upset but it feels a bit like a broken record.

What you've described is NOT a good relationship OP.

pikkumyy77 · 07/08/2024 10:47

I have to agree with the others—15 years of a man drinking and telling you what you want to hear, then fertility issues, then drinking snd drugging himself into a seizure? Look up sunk cost fallacy. You are living in it.

Rhaidimiddim · 07/08/2024 10:47

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

I will ask his best friend from the stag do but I feel like he won't tell me much to be honest.

Ask his best friend, did he know about the fit? If not, why not? If so, why didn't he call an ambulance? Put him on the spot about his bad behaviour and you might get a bit closer to the truth.

Also, stress that you need to know the details of what preceded the fit because you need to provide this information to the doctors.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:47

I honestly don't think he has taken drugs before but not I'm questioning whether I'm an idiot and it's making me doubt the trust

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 07/08/2024 10:47

Rhaidimiddim · 07/08/2024 10:44

Agree 100%.
"Had a fit" = took coke and passed out.
"Passed out" = can't remember what I did.
"What I did " = ???

Show quote history

Yes. This is how it reads to me too.

He has possibly exposed you to an STD whilst you’re undergoing fertility treatment.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:46

He is honestly a really good and loving person. If drinking was out of the equation we wouldn't have any issues.
But I'm worried about him keeping things from me. I want to trust him and I hate the idea of being paranoid. That's not who I want to me.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2024 10:46

Agree with previous posters.

No child wants to have an alcoholic parent who also has a drug problem. You have a choice about whether to visit that upon an as yet unborn person. Don't do it.

greencheetah · 07/08/2024 10:45

Please don’t have a baby with him…

Madamecholetsbonnet · 07/08/2024 10:44

I’m also aghast at 15 years of shite then marrying him! Have you no self respect?

Rhaidimiddim · 07/08/2024 10:44

WitchyBits · 07/08/2024 10:24

Op there is very likely more to this. He's drip feeding you information.

Agree 100%.
"Had a fit" = took coke and passed out.
"Passed out" = can't remember what I did.
"What I did " = ???

AlloftheTime · 07/08/2024 10:44

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:33

Also, this isn't the first time we have issues like that. Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.

Please don’t bring a child into this relationship

rockingbird · 07/08/2024 10:42

WitchyBits · 07/08/2024 10:24

Op there is very likely more to this. He's drip feeding you information.

Exactly what I thought as soon as I read this.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 07/08/2024 10:42

Has he been to a Dr?

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 10:40

WitchyBits · 07/08/2024 10:24

Op there is very likely more to this. He's drip feeding you information.

Yeah this.

Insomnia. Or not being able to sleep through guilt?

Bekindtoyourselfandothers · 07/08/2024 10:39

It's very worrying OP.

I would also suspect a lot more was going on than he has admitted to.

I would also be concerned about bringing children into a relationship where your partner takes drugs, indulges in risky behaviour, mixes with drug takers and gets up to goodness knows what when he is in their company. And is not truthful and open about things.

Iloveshihtzus · 07/08/2024 10:38

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:33

Also, this isn't the first time we have issues like that. Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.

Hi OP, if I were you I’d get out now. Imagine adding the stress of a newborn or a newborn and a toddler into this mix - do you think he would change his ways and stop drinking or would he double down on it? I’ll give you a hint - he won’t change.

Maybe my judgment is clouded by being the child of an alcoholic, but can I tell you - please don’t bring a child into this relationship.

I know after 15 years you feel you need to stick with it and your fertility is falling, but that is no reason to tie yourself to this man.

Kelly51 · 07/08/2024 10:37

Over the years we have had many many arguments over his drinking habits in particular. So I feel like this isn't a first time thing, I'm starting to feel a bit worn out. We've been together 15 years and married for 1 year.
I never understand these posts, 15 years of crap then you marry him??
Why do woman continue to work against themselves ?

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

I will ask his best friend from the stag do but I feel like he won't tell me much to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:36

We have a good relationship but honestly I'm worried I can't trust him sometimes and that he hides things from me.

He is really upset but it feels a bit like a broken record.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2024 10:34

He's obviously been really stupid. God knows what they all got up to. Having a seizure is serious shit.

What's your relationship like? Can you sit down and talk through what happened with him? Is he likely to come clean and be honest with you? Bearing in mind that he was unconscious at some point, I would also want to be speaking to someone else - the stag or another of the men friends - to find out exactly what happened.

Until you know what happened, you can't really know how best to proceed.