Does this sound 'off'?

I think there are 2 things going on here.

1. It does sound like Sophie deliberately didn't tell you about Alison's bereavement, for whatever reason. Time will tell there.

2. Alison told her own child not to spread the news. In my experience of these things, people can be reticent because the more people you tell (or who know), the more real and established as fact it becomes, and that can be devastating. My mother did something similar when my sibling died.

I think you sound like you care about Alison and are trying to be a good friend OP.

This is MN twisted logic at its finest.

IRL it is of course VERY strange to deliberately hide the fact that your parent has died from a relatively frequently seen mum friend. Ffs. I can get how you might forget to inform people outside your close circle - but actively asking your child to lie by ommision to another child is nutso. Jeez

I’m not sure we can be absolutely certain that Alison also didn’t ask Sophie to keep it quiet. Unless you know that for definite I don’t think you can be annoyed.

I know I wouldn’t want to be passing on that news to others – I wouldn’t feel it was my place it would feel a bit like ‘gossiping’ unless the person who had suffered the bereavement explicitly told me to let others know. Perhaps Sophie feels like that? It’s odd she says she just ‘forgot’ though. If she’d said she felt uncomfortable passing it on, that might have been more understandable.

A few people have suggested reasons why Sophie may have done this (other than she's out to get you). Others have shared times when they have chosen not to pass on their own or other people's private business.

Rather than listening to these other perspectives and trying to understand them, you seem to be replying each time to say that it's not how you would do it.

Maybe Sophie is trying to get one up on you in this friendship. Or maybe you are simply applying your ideas of how someone should act onto your friend.
I assume you've posted to AIBU for other perspectives, so maybe try to take them on board.

She told her child not to tell her friends (as in other kids).

How old is the child? I find it very odd to tell your child they can't tell anyone their grandad died.

(I know that isn't your main point, sorry)

When my mum died last year, there were people I told & people I didn’t tell, for a range of reasons. It wasn’t necessarily rational but nobody’s rational at that point. It wasn’t even just down to how much I liked someone.

I have a very good group of long-standing friends. When a close relative died recently, I didn’t tell them. I didn’t want (or need) all the condolences and sympathies, or them feeling they have to help in some way. I just wanted our usual meet-up of chatting, laughing and nonsense.

I sort of got you at first but the more you post the more you are making it about you

You are writing like you are back at school, just stop and treat them as you did beford

I really wouldn't take it too personally. When friends have suffered a bereavement, I rarely pass the news on to other friends unless specifically asked to. Like someone else said, I don't feel that it's my news to tell. I have occasionally asked the bereaved friend if they would like me to let the others know; sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

I wouldn't dwell on it but I understand that you must feel left out.

YABU. Sophie shouldn't be telling you that news. Alison should if she wants to (and it sounds like she doesn't)
For what it's worth, I have a group of mum friends who I didn't tell when my mum died. I'm not even sure why. There never seemed like a good time. I don't think I felt about it as you are expected too and I just didn't really want to be discussing it with people. I did tell one friend as I needed her help looking after the kids while I went to the funeral. I didn't expect her to tell everyone else.
If I was Sophie, I probably wouldn't tell you. I don't pass on other people's news if I consider it personal. I recently had a mum friend (quite close) tell me another mum had cancer. She asked me not to say to my kids and it struck me then that actually, I wouldn't tell anyone. She mentioned a few people she had told. I just wouldn't tell people something that private.

The thing with asking advice online or even in person after the event Is that its hard to convey to others certain things such as the way things are said and things that make a difference such as the expressions or body language used. On face value, looking at this dispassionately the majority of people will focus on it not being Sophies news to tell and how Alison must have wanted to deal with her grief privately etc and that you shouldn't take it personally.

I am not looking at it dispassionately because I believe that you are picking up on things and that combined with previous negative experiences concerning Sophie and being disingenuous are leaving you feeling that things are indeed off, but because it's such a sensitive subject you're questioning yourself and of course its not something that you can really approach anyone about.

Sorry for waffling on. My point is that I do think your judgement is likely correct and I suspect Sophie is probably enjoying any chance to slyly make a point of her knowing about the bereavement and thst she went to the funeral, but I would suspect that she wouldn't have been included either, but possibly found out some other way such as from her child or from someone who passed on the news somehow.

I wouldn't presume that Alison confided in her unless of course you hear that from Alison. I would not let Sophie get under your skin at all and now that it's out in the open then you can approach Alison and say you've heard and say you're there if she needs to talk or anything, but that you understand if she's not ready to talk and then you'll likely find out the true events and it's probably nothing like Sophie has presented it. It is awful feeling left out etc but I would suspect all is not as it seems xxxx

She told her DD to keep it a secret! (No idea why!) But she told my DD and told her to keep it to herself which she did until this morning!!

Based on this I would assume that Alison also told Sophie to keep it to herself (or to keep it from you in particular…?) and that Sophie simply didn’t want to say ‘she told me not to tell you’ so she said ‘I forgot’.

Maybe flowers and/or a card to say you are sorry to hear of the loss of her father, sorry you didn't acknowledge it earlier but you only just heard. Then invite her to do something very normal like a walk or coffee or visit very soon?

Oh I think I completely misread your post! So the issue is Sophie not letting you know? So hard to tell without actually knowing the people involved. She could have thought it wasn't her place or she could be being snakey. Either way it's probably not worth your emotional energy. If Alison knows you were away when the notice went out and had asked her dd to keep it a secret then I'm sure she'll understand you not having known about what happened. Maybe see if you can go for a coffee or something just the two of you? You know now so can be there for her now.

My cousin passed away recently. I didn’t tell a soul. It went to inquest and appeared in the newspaper. It all felt a bit much tbh. (Inquest happened surprisingly fast!)

Still, only one of my 5 best friends know! Not intentionally - just didn’t want to discuss it tbh!

But then I appreciate I’m a bit weird 🫶🏻 I’m a closed book because once I cry - I don’t stop for days.

Pretty obvious to me that Sophie wants you to appear uncaring. Alison would have expected Sophie to tell you and probably thinks you know.

Grief and "private matters" are completely up to those experiencing them. Some people let you in, some don't. Please never judge, and it is not about you or your standing as a friend, sometimes it is about what you can cope with at that time. I am sociable and outgoing, and have 4 or 5 "lifetime" friends that I would trust with my life, but having had bereavement recently, I told no-one. I knew they would rush to help me. I did not need help. I did not even need the gently and carefully worded help "so as to not overstep" - offered in the kindest and most selfless way, laying down their own requirements to help me with mine. I did not need that. I needed time to process it on my own. Without help.

Absolutely feel the opposite. Condolences and memories of the person gone rather than platitudes like it happens to us all eventually or you'll get through it we have to keep going etc can make such a difference.

Grief takes many forms. It may be that your friend is struggling to process the circumstances. I think the benefit of the doubt is due here. Just try and be there if and when she needs you.