To wonder if other 36 year olds have their shit together?

I'm nearly 35, a single mum and I live in a council flat. You're fine.

When I was 36 my first marriage had just broken down and I was a wreck. I am now in my 50s and life has improved a lot, and most of my shit is sorted HOWEVER I live I fear of it all unravelling again.

My husband is 36 and has his shit together but he’s one of the few people I know who does! I have one other friend basically who genuinely does have her shit together - knows herself and what she’s doing; nice, balanced, meaningful job; nice big house; 2 lovely kids etc. But she still has shit going on, everyone does. But she seems to have a handle on things.

I’m 34, 3 kids, nice house, retraining, all good BUT it’s the internal ‘what the fuck am I doing, I’m just making everything up, how come you can just HAVE KIDS and people let you and now I have a tween; I need to find a plumber but how do you know if they’re a good one; is this a good rate for this job I need doing; I need to decide if my kid needs a circumcision, how do I go about that, I don’t want to scar him. I guess this will do as a healthy diet for my toddler? Only her whole entire future health in my hands as the gut is the second brain; I really just want to sit at home and be in peace but when I was doing that I really wanted a job so I’m never happy’ etc that really throws off the self-assuredness 😅

I was having this conversation with a few friends the other day and it’s a revelation to know most other people are the same. We’re just guessing but it’s working out OK so is it a problem? Everyone is just living for the first time. Which has actually helped me with my relationship with my mother too.

41
Own house (with a mortgage)
3 BTLs
I look good. I'm muscular and a size 10, toned and a pretty face. Often complimented on my body
Master's degree and other qualifications.
Wealthy family
Friend
A lot of designer clothes
Peak health, nothing ever wrong with me, good stock as my Dad would say.

I'm just trying to think of things that others might perceive as 'having one's shit together'.

Now to reality

I'm cripplingly lonely. I've never found a decent relationship. I was undecided on children but I think had I found the right person I would have, and I feel I should have.

My house is a mess. I struggle with housework. Never been able to put my finger on why but I just don't face it well.

I messed up my career. Childhood damaged me and I grew up in survival mode believing I wasn't very intelligent. Reality is I am actually a very intelligent person but I made the wrong choices and now I cannot seem to find a path. I have a good enough job, but I could have done SO much better. I wish I'd have picked a degree I either loved, or would actually get me somewhere. Maybe even both!

I drank far too much last weekend, in the wrong company. I think I did it to just feel something. Ended up crying on my business partner who I feel has let me down. It just all came out. Not proud, but it has happened.

I'm going away tomorrow and not in the least bit looking forward to it.
I'm in a relationship with someone who has ASD and it presents in ways that cause me a lot of pain and suffering. It probably needs to end but then I'll be alone even more.

As others have said, smoke and mirrors.

I have all the tickbox "sorted" stuff as well. Good job, husband, kids, lovely home in a nice area, savings. Even have life insurance and a pension.
Meanwhile back in reality I can see some sort of mental health catastrophe trundling down the tracks because I/We have had the most traumatic and and stressful time in the last few years (covid doesn't even compete for the top five horrendous things that have happened to us) and I'm like a little dog paddling constantly trying not to drown in house/work/kids so I don't know how to get out of the way of whatever is coming for me.
But I know I look great from the outside and people who didn't know about all the other stuff probably would wish they had my life.

I’m a similar age and have recently come to the realisation I’m always going to feel like I haven’t got my shit together.

Despite from an outside perspective probably looking like I have.

I’m just not worrying about it too much, and enjoying the ride.

I agree with everyone else that no one really has it all sorted. Everyone has an aspect of themselves or their life that they struggle with. It does sound like though, the things making you unhappy are within your grasp to try and do something about regarding your weight and financial situation. I recently joined a PT group at now regularly attend the gym. I look and feel better than I've felt in over a decade and now so much more confident. Could you retrain? Look for a job and close down your business? Can you speak to someone re your financial situation and budgeting?

Name changed for this. I am your age, with young DC and back living with my mum after a nasty separation. I have no job (was a stay at home mum), can't drive and my savings have nearly all but gone as a result of recent separation. BUT, I have never felt more empowered and proud of myself. I got out of an abusive relationship, I am protecting my kids and am determined to give them the best start I can, I'm learning to drive and have the freedom to do what I want with my life.

I am not "sorted" in any shape or form (obviously) and am having to start very much from the beginning again. To me you sound so sorted! The fact that you've achieved so much is impressive, but if you're not happy there's always room for change too. Learning to reframe my mindset and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for has really made all the difference to me. When my very "sorted" friend implied she would trade everything with me to be able to conceive a child, it really hit home that the grass is always greener.

You are doing just fine and have nothing to prove or be ashamed of. Life can be hard and we are all just trying to get by as best we can really.

I am a lot older than you and I don’t actually know anyone who has their shit together!
Might be good at faking ,but everyone has their doubts and insecurities.

I'm similar age to you and feel the same. I feel so lost and inadequate. Currently on my second maternity and trying to enjoy it but spending a lot of time worrying about my career or lack thereof. Have lost a lot of self confidence in the last few years. I do like the PP's quote above though, nothing changes if nothing changes. It's very hard though.

I’m 36, I definitely don’t have my shit together, my poor husband does though, so I’m part of the shit he manages. We have two children, a house, a little holiday home, both have decent jobs, hobbies etc. I’ve been a parent for almost eight years, I was sat in our tent with a two year old this morning and had one of my regular “wtf trusts me with kids, grown ups look after kids” moments.

There are bits of shit you may be able to change, you could look at your skills and see what careers may suit to see if you could earn more being an employee.

We are all imposters - no one has a clue.
I do have a solid career, a big house, 3 kids. Doing well on the face of it. Also losing my mind and needed to go part time. Constantly looking at houses on Rightmove because ours is £3k a month mortgage and always wishing I’d done a job I love rather than have to.
BUT I am a big believer in the fact that most things in life are a choice - I could quit my job, sell the house and move abroad if I want to. Maybe rather than thinking about the end goal, think about some baby steps to discover what that looks like? Nothing changes if n it thing changes 🤷‍♀️

Same age; i don't.
Depends on what you mean by having your shit together tho...
I have a house, job, Dcs etc... do it on my own. But frequently feel like a fraud and and an idiot.

In other words, comparison is the thief of joy
This👍

Problems of the first world- Adult people believe that life is a Disneyland and like images on Facebook 😄

News flash. No one has their shit together. It’s just that some people are better at hiding it than others, or we only focus on some parts of other peoples lives, and assume they have all their shit together - when in reality, they are very good at shoving their untidy shit in the metaphorical kitchen shit drawer, to be dealt with either later or never.
In other words, comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy what you have, accept what you cannot change and just do the best you can with what you have.