I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

Can you not take on board what anybody has said? Most people have sympathised with you over your loss. It's not easy. But you have to take some responsibility as to why your friend might not want to reply to your message when you've admitted yourself that you weren't there for her when she text about her divorce!

You didn’t just post about a recent bereavement though, did you? You posted about how you’ve treated your friend. That’s what everyone is responding to.

Kindly, you still seem very focused on yourself and not on how you might affect others.

You even made her birthday about you.

From your friend's perspective:

She contacted you and you ignored her messages, but feel she could/should have gone to the trouble of visiting you.

She supported you through your divorce. You didn't even attempt to reciprocate.

On her birthday you send her a "happy birthday" message that doesn't sound at all appropriate - sounds like you made the text about you and your needs.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but you've been a really poor friend. In your friend's position I
would just accept the friendship was one sided (her to you), send my condolences by text and leave it at that.

Maybe she feels that when you need support you expect her to be there to provide it but when she has needed support you haven’t even been able to message her and check in.

tbh I wouldn’t be prioritising you either. I’m sure she also has things going on in her own life.

She's given up trying.

She's probably investing her time on herself, any children, and friends who have supported her.

We do lose friendships if we don't invest in them.

I am very sorry for your loss but it sounds like you have been very distant with her and she probably feels like you only reach out when you need support but you aren't there to do the same for her. I imagine from her reaction you have really hurt her.
I have a 'friend' who doesn't reply to me a lot of the time and then suddenly when she wants something messages, tells me she's shit at replying and that I need to 'pester' her more. It's shit and I don't bother anymore.

Maybe she has things going on?

I think you should have messaged happy birthday, and then if she got back to you asking how you are, then tell her your news.

Maybe she has a lot going on still, as you had when you ignored her.

How very kind of you to 'reach out' on HER birthday and then tell her about YOUR problems.

After basically ignoring her when she reached out to you when she needed a shoulder.

It's fine if you couldn't be bothered to support her. It's not fine that you're complaining she isn't supporting you.

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

OP, read that back to yourself. You let her down first. You can't expect her to be there for you in your hour of need when you ignored her for what sounds like a long time.

Again. No self awareness. You made it all about you.

Sorry for your loss.

You've been a terrible friend to her and now she doesn’t need or want you in her life. Which is fair tbh.

I imagine your friend feels very let down by you and now you want her to jump when you message?

Seriously, @itriedmybest you have been no friend to her at all, I guess she has realised this and is no longer interested in you. Your friend has realised just how one sided the friendship was, she was there for you you were nowhere for her.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message

I find this odd I have to admit but the irony in you expecting her to respond to a message from you when you have never bothered with her and nor have you called or knocked.

Yes. This. Some birthday message.

I'm sorry for your loss. However as pp have said, you weren't there for her when she needed support. She has probably detached from the friendship a bit.

Personally I would have replied to news like that. It does seem a little harsh to just ignore a significant death. But it sounds like the friendship has fizzled out so I'm not sure you're within your rights to feel let down at this stage. Sorry.

You didn't reply when she was going through divorce despite the fact she was there for you when you did.

Surely this has to be a reverse.

I wouldn’t call or knock for someone who was ignoring my texts - I’d feel like a loon.

Sorry for your loss if it’s not a reverse but as pp have said you reap what you sew.

lol this is a meaning of the word ‘friend’ that I am unaware of.

poor friend OP, you sounds like a user from your own description!

It seems like it’s one rule for you but a different rule for her.

You have ignored previous messages
Maybe she has a lot going on personally too.

She may have been peeved off you wished her happy birthday and then told her about your bad news.

She obviously realised you're only contacting her as you need "something" from her.

Sorry about your loss OP.

You have repeatedly ignored her, including when she very probably needed support and now she’s ignored you once you’re upset? This has to be a reverse!

You ignored her messages, now she's doing the same to you and you feel hurt? Sounds like you're getting a taste of your own medicine to me.