I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

You seem to desire and feel entitled to the care and attention that you would not yourself grant this friend. You ignored many of her messages. No one is so busy they can’t reply to someone who matters to them.

I have also dumped ‘friends’ like you.
Perhaps Google some videos on self awareness and use these responses to grow so you don’t do this to other people in your life.

You’ve been a terrible friend.

Sorry for your loss, but it doesn’t excuse your behaviour toward your friend. You want to take take take from her and give nothing in return.

It sounds like she’s given up and decided to let the friendship go which is completely understandable.

"I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did)."

Sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure about anyone else - but if a friend ignores my messages, the last thing I would feel to do is knock on their house?? OP you cannot post on here and just expect complete agreement. Everyone sympathises with your loss but you will get no agreement with the way you've treated your friend. I'm gonna put a little twist on this. The death of a parent is a huge thing. I do think ignoring it is quite low, even if she is upset with you. Even just a 'I'm so sorry' would be acceptable in this case. She doesn't even have to offer a chat if she is pissed off with you. Are you sure she's ok and actually received/read the msg?

Am I understanding correctly that you messaged her that on her birthday. What does that even look like?

‘happy birthday friend, sorry ignored you for ages but my mum died last week. Anyway happy birthday 🥳’!!

Then expecting her to follow up with you after that. I wouldn’t personally. Sorry for your loss but you haven’t been a good friend so you’ve probably lost this one.

You didnt reach out when she split from her husband! No wonder she has not replied...

You're being very self absorbed. Grief can make you selfish - in that you feel the pain you have trumps anyone else's.

She was there for you, you haven't been there for her.

Thinking this must be a reverse!

Sorry for your loss.

you have been a bad friend to her and she has quietly stepped back and now your have reached out with what is really a deception. You’re not wishing her a happy birthday. You’re telling her you need her and your parent has passed. That’s not friendship that’s a transaction.

it’s a very hard time for you, obviously but you have let her down badly. A birthday wish wrapped up in a bereavement notice is highly manipulative.

A marriage break up can be just as hard as a death actually. You asked for peoples view points. They have told you. No point not telling you the truth. You were a shit friend to her. Don't expect her to be there for you now You are very self centred if you can't realise this.

Sorry for your loss op.

I got divorced recently after separating during the pandemic. Unfortunately quite a few married friends have drifted since. It was also my birthday recently. If someone who I hadn't heard from since the divorce suddenly messaged on my birthday saying happy birthday and telling me their parent died, I wouldn't know what to say really. It would strike me as quite out of the blue and I'd be questioning their motives. Why get back in touch now?

It sounds like you have naturally drifted but are trying to get back to the closeness you had before, but for your benefit only (sorry). I have one or two friends that I've managed to successfully reconnect with after many years, but generally speaking I think being able to do that is quite unusual and you have to have had a very strong connection. Also you can't really force it, it has to happen naturally

Sorry but I think reading your original post, it sounds like you’ve been the friend that has let her down and she’s given up.

I'm sorry OP but I think you've been terribly selfish and it speaks to your self-absorption that you're continuing to feel bad for yourself when everyone here is telling you that you're wrong.

Could she be upset that it took 5 weeks to tell her your news? Did she know your family member who had passed?

If you still want to be friends, accept that she may not have wanted to engage on such a negative topic when she was presumably trying to enjoy her birthday. I'm sorry, but I selfishly don't want people's sadness intruding on my moments of joy. It could have waited.

Maybe she could have been a better friend, but so could you. Accept that neither of you is perfect, and try to pick it up again when you're feeling less vulnerable.

Being there for her break up is what she needed. Not a happy birthday message. You should have stepped up.

It's not ok that you didn't reply to her messages and have the attitude she can knock on your door ! Seriously that's bad. She's done the same to you. I'm sorry about you loss by the way. I think you need to knock on her door and try and save the friendship if that's what you want

I think there are valid points here.
I also don't think it's necessary to stick the boot in quite so hard to someone who has just lost a parent, aibu or not.
A bit of compassion guys.

You ignored her trauma, then dumped yours on her, on her birthday, along with your birthday greeting.

Im really sorry for your loss, but you aren’t the only person hurting here.

I’m sorry about your loss but honestly, it’s seems to be just me me me with you. Your friend has just had enough I imagine. Friendships are 2-way. What about your behaviour at her difficult time?

I'm the devil incarnate and her behaviour at this difficult time is perfectly ok.

More hyperbole and passive aggression. Your behaviour during her difficult time wasn’t okay and now she’s not there for yours.

I can relate to being your friend. I’ve had my texts ignored and had vague messages of “let’s get together soon”. I really needed someone to talk to recently and I suppose I know who my real friends are.

Oh please, that’s so incredibly manipulative. You’ve posted to complain about your friend and get other people to join in. They’re not because her behaviour is understandable and yours isn’t. If you choose to neglect friends, especially when they’re going through big stuff like divorce ffs, the friendship ends.

Post again for support with your bereavement if you like but don’t pretend that’s what this has been about because it’s plain as day what you’re after.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐 losing a parent is very hard and it's understandable that you're feeling fragile.

I think your friend is probably feeling that you let her down badly when her marriage ended and she reached out to you for support. I don't think sending her a birthday message and combining that with telling her about your recent bereavement has made up for her feeling let down by you. You should probably message her and apologise for not being there for her, especially as she was so supportive through your divorce.

Right, but that's not what you did at all.

I’ve had a couple of friends treat me the way you are treating your friend when I was going through some really tough times. I gave them the benefit of the doubt the first time and was there for them when something went wrong, making a definite effort to be better than they were for me because I didn’t want them to feel as sad as I had when they weren’t there for me. Then I went through another tough time and they weren’t there again. So now I’m done. I know they’ve got some tough stuff going on again and I’m not getting involved. I barely think of them as a friend anymore, just someone I used to be friends with.