I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

She supported you through a divorce, but when she asked the same you were not there. She’s done with you, I’m sorry you’re realising this at a time when you’re feeling low but there it is.

You’re even making the post that you said wasn’t about you, about you! Can you not see where it’s all gone wrong here?

You come across like my sister- you’ve always got ‘a lot going on’ that means you can’t put yourself to one side to be there for your friend. My guess is that it’s a long standing thing and not a one off. Your friend has had enough!

I am very sorry for your loss.

But what you need to realise is that this is happening because when she needed you YOU WERENT THERE. You dont know how her marriage ended. If her ex upped and left for another woman it can be utterly devastating but you werent there for her. Frankly she may well be thinking, why the hell should she be there for you?

I understand you are going through a lot but so was she. You need some self reflection about why she isnt there for you now.

I went through a really bad period of health issues, a parent and two sibling bereavements and other general stress. I'm not the kind of person to reach out to others, I tend to go in on myself which I did. I didn't confide in friends, slowly cut myself off and gave very short responses to my people.

Once I felt some what better overall, I reached out to everyone and apologised for going MIA and cutting myself off. Told them I'd had a tough period but I was really sorry for not being around. I didn't go straight into detail about it and instead asked how they were and listened to them about what was going on, hearing about work and kids and holidays etc. I over time went into detail and suggested meeting up after a good few calls and many messages because I wanted them to know that I wasn't contacting them again just because I wanted something but because I genuinely wanted their friendship not for what they could do for me.

Perhaps that's where you went wrong?

Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, she probably read your message as you making her birthday all about you. It sounds like you were not there for her during a difficult time and then didn't even think to stop to focus on her alone when saying happy birthday. It's a shame but the friendship has probably run its course.

Sounds a bit like you said ‘happy birthday!’ But anyway back to me me me me, my parent has died. Could she not just have the day about her and not you?

But not replying to her IS ignoring her isn’t it?

I’m very sorry you lost a parent, but she supported you when you went through a rough patch, but you didn’t have time for her when she did, so you can’t blame her for cooling on the friendship. These things happen, just learn the lesson.

You wished her happy birthday and told her one of your parents died in the same day? I’m really sorry for your loss, but poor timing.

Sounds like you’ve always got ‘a lot on’ and make excuses to not reply…how long does it take to reply? A minute? Maybe 2?

Her marriage has broken down and you weren’t there and haven’t replied to HER but now YOU really have shit going on and need her, she’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.

Really harsh of you to mention about the death of a parent on her Happy Birthday message. Especially, as you've not been there to support her through her divorce.

I think you need to try harder to re-establish the friendship.

I know you're going through a tough time, but so is she. You need to make more effort. Don't just say we should meet up, actually suggest a time and a place, or better still, go knock on her door. Hopefully, it's not too late to get the friendship back on track.

Maybe she has a lot on at the moment, much like you did when you found it overwhelming to respond to her messages

@itriedmybest I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, it can make us behave differently. But you also need to own what you do and accept when you are wrong. You cannot expect people up lie and say you've behaved impeccably when you demonstrably have not

She has probably re-evaluated the friendship after you ignored her messages and chosen to move on. It is understandable.

As you said , you know where she is , you could knock .

making pathetic excuses - wahh wahh my phone is is too overwhelming. Grow up and don’t be surprised when she tells you to go away

But your post is about a longterm friendship, not a bereavement. That doesn’t let you off the hook for your behaviour which predated that death.

100%. Your self awareness and understanding seem seriously lacking. Everyone’s busy. It’s not a great excuse

OP, when you feel a bit more settled after such a rough time, reach out to her again. Ask to meet and see if the friendship can be saved.

Unfortunately you can't be surprised if she doesn't reciprocate. You ignored a huge event in her life for about a year. You still don't even know the details of her divorce. She could have gone through hell and back (cheating, OW, domestic/mental/financial abuse, pregnancy) and her friend abandoned her.

It doesn't matter what forum you've posted in, you'd get the same responses. You've been a shit friend.

65 (similar) posts in and I suspect the OP has got the message.

Sorry for your loss OP. Hope you make it right with her and get your friendship back on track.

Such a flounce! You sound like hard work @itriedmybest

She messaged about her split from her DH, a traumatic event that you have been through and should empathise with. You were rude, dismissive and now because it suits you to need her support you are pissed off that she has treated you with the same contempt you showed her.

No one is saying losing a parent isn't tough, but you treated her appallingly but are conveniently ignoring that but because it doesn't fit your narrative.

It's not an AIBU issue, it's a "you acted like a cow" issue.

You ignored her divorce
She's returning the same energy

This one's on you, you screwed up by ignoring her.

No, someone already before you.

There's always people in every thread calling a reverse, my let peeve 😆💐

OP, I think she must've felt very hurt when you weren't supporting her through her divorce like she did for you. I don't think she'll be coming back.

So sorry about your loss 💐

@itriedmybest In your friend’s eyes, I would say you are a fair weather friend. I don’t think you mean it intentionally but your friend sounds like she has, for quite a while, been the more supportive one in your friendship. Sometimes it’s hard work always being the crutch rather than having someone to lean on. Unless you recognise your friend feels a bit neglected it’s going to be difficult to smooth the situation over. I’m sorry to hear about your dad and I hope you find some support to help you move forward with your grief.

But she hadn't just lost a parent when she was a shitty friend when her friend needed support during a divorce. Being recently bereaved doesn't change the fact that she's been a crap friend, and seems to completely lack any self awareness of that. It is t what op wants to hear but she's reaping what she's sown.