I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

Agreed

She supported you in your divorce. You didn’t support her. Now you need support with your loss, you reach out. And expect what?

I had a friend like you. Her issues took centre stage and my issues were unimportant. I realised I was just a prop for her ego. I cut ties. Much like your ‘friend’ I imagine.

You feel let down?

You really have no concept of how self consumed you are?

Every response you have made on here has been dismissive and rude!

You let your friend down big time and she is most probably incredibly hurt by your lack of support!

Shame on you for making this about you being the one let down?

She is definitely better off without you in her life.

You say you find texts overwhelming but maybe she finds coming round to your house unannounced overwhelming?

I know I would. I am really sorry for your loss but you really cannot hold her to a much higher friendship standard than yourself. You cant expect more from her than you give yourself- thats just not fair on her.

Perhaps grief is clouding your thought process right now which is understandable, but you do seem to show a lack of awareness that others may also be struggling and that you arent the only one to find certain things difficult. We all have things in life that we find overwhelming, it's not just you. For all you know, your friend might be in a very bad place right now post her divorce but you wouldnt know because you haven't asked her or even spoken to her.

Sorry for your loss op.

But agree with others. Friendship is two ways. You can't expect her to be there for you no matter what, when you haven't been there for her. It's very selfish of you. You might think that your things are bigger, but that reflects badly on you. You can't seem to grasp that your friends issues might have been tough for her and you should have tried to be there for her. Did you even acknowledge her breakup? Send her any kind words? Offer to come round with a bottle of wine etc? If you didn't even respond to her text that she's had a break up... Then you really aren't a nice friend and I can see why she's chosen not to reply to you.

Sorry op, might seem harsh but she doesn't owe you anything and she hasn't let you down. You let her down and now here are the consequences.

With respect the crux of your post was about your friend’s lack of communication. I lost a parent three months ago so I am not at all unsympathetic to that.

If you won’t acknowledge your mistakes you won’t learn from them in the future. If you do manage to retain this friendship you will be more aware of how to nurture it.

So sorry for your loss. I've lost both parents and I know what grief does to you.

I wouldnt have chosen a friend's birthday to tell them though. Thats really awkward - happy birthday, btw my mum died. You could have picked any day to inform her of your sad news. The happy birthday now appears like it's not really about her birthday at all, but you wanting her to support you. All within the context of you not supporting her in the past when she needed it.

I'm afraid I have had experience of friends doing this to me and it has absolutely made me distance myself from them because its hurtful and it makes you feel like you are being used, just wheeled out when they require something then put away again and ignored when you need support. No friendship will survive this kind of treatment, people will end up feeling resentful and upset. I'm sorry but I think you have blown it with this friendship and if you really want her in your life then you will have to apologise.

Sounds like you made the birthday text all about you. Sorry about your loss but I think you really need start acknowledging that you’re self centred.

Could you explain a bit more why your phone overwhelms you? Surely you can’t be so inundated with messages that it’s hard to manage. Just check your phone once a day.

you ignored her ever she was going through a tough time despite her supporting you when you were in the same situation. You wished her a happy birthday whilst simultaneously telling her you had had a bereavement which is still very “look at me”
why couldn’t you tell her about the bereavement another time?

i wouldn’t be interested in being your friend anymore

Maybe she finds her phone overwhelming and thought ‘well, she’s knows where I am…’ maybe she has lot going on, y’know, just like you really.

Also I am horrified by the tone and content of a lot of the responses on here. Some posters have been absolutely vicious. It’s a sign of the things lacking in their characters, not yours.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

FWIW I can’t believe she didn’t text you back. I understand what PPs are saying about how she might feel the friendship has been one sided and be wary of returning to a real closeness, but I can’t imagine a friend - even one from whom I had drifted - texting me about the death of a parent and not replying with a message of sympathy.

She didn’t need to dive headlong back into friendship if she felt let down by the course it has taken in the past, but to not reply at all is really cold.

No,

You used ‘Happy Bithday’ as an opener to tell her about your upsetting experience.

You weren’t wishing her a happy birthday at all. Imagine….its her birthday and the friend who never replied to her when going through a divorce, texts her on her birthday to say that their dad had died.

Thats really bad

You should edit the title of this post to “I have let down my friend”. As PP have said, I’m sorry for your loss but you have not been a good friend. I appreciate you’re grieving but you come across as unreasonable, lacking in awareness and entitled. Your “friendship” sounds very one sided.

If your friend had shared her experience on MN I am sure most would advise her to step away from the friendship, which it sounds like she has done. Focus on properly grieving your parent and then work on being a better friend in the future - FWIW I think this friendship is over so take it as a lesson and move on.

I think your grief is influencing your feelings about your friend. She’s treated you exactly as you treated her, so if you fell let down by her you have to acknowledge you let her down too. It might help you to give some thought to what maintaining a friendship looks like to you, what your expectations are of them and what you contribute. Friendships are reciprocal relationships, you need to do your bit too..

Her birthday was not the time to share your loss. Turn to other friends for comfort and make your peace with this one at a later stage.

I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

Glad you're not my friend, well, you'd be my ex friend now as I wouldn't be bothering with you either, you're so self centred and you can't even see it.

It seems as though there is nothing I can say? I'm the devil incarnate and her behaviour at this difficult time is perfectly ok

You arent the devil, dont be silly. But there is plenty you could say. You could apologise to your friend for not being there for her when she needed your support but you were too "busy", you could thank her for all the times she's supported you which you admit she has done and tell her how much you appreciate her. You could go round and knock on her door which is what you seem to expect her to do but dont apply the same standard to yourself.

Lots of things you could say or do if you truly care about her.

But my guess is you wont do any of those.

But you’re going to get more responses. Clearly, you think you have nothing wrong.

Wow, so you remembered her birthday and somehow thinks that makes you Friend of the Year, even though you haven't bothered with her any other time.

Maybe she has moved on and found a real friend.

You're rather manipulative, aren't you?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what losing a parent is like.

That aside, you have treated your friend appallingly and sadly, you are now reaping the effects of that. Maybe going forward you should reflect on why this friendship has ended and determine to make a bit more effort in the future with other friends as if you carry on like this you will continue to lose people from your life.

I also dont understand why you would expect her to knock on your door after ignoring all her messages? If a friend ignored all my messages the absolute last thing on earth I would do is show up at her house- that would show a complete lack of respect for her boundaries. Someone ignoring your messages is indicative that they dont wish to speak with you so it would be really inappropriate to just turn up at their house.

No response IS a response- it communicates a lack of interest in continuing any kind of interaction - hence the term "ghosting". It's deeply upsetting to be ignored, it makes you feel like you are worthless and not even worth 10 seconds of a person's time to send a quick message. I dont think you have fully realised until now and its happened to you just how hurtful it is to be completely ignored. Your friend is probably deeply hurt.

How many times have you gone round to her house as you dont mention that but I am presuming none?

Absolutely this!

You ignored her marriage break up and still think she’ll give a shit about you?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parent
But you have reaped what you sowed on this one, as you were a pretty shit friend.

In fairness, you're not posting about a recent bereavement, but about a relationship gone wrong. That's what you're getting advice on.