I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

I'm sorry for your loss but kindly, I really think you are being very unreasonable to be annoyed with her for doing pretty much what you did to her.

Regardless of how kind she was when YOU divorced, you were not available to her when SHE divorced. Now you are grieving and are upset that she is not available to you now it's your time of need again.

You seem to see this relationship as one where she ought to be by you when you are in need even when you don't extend the same towards her in her time of need

I completely get that you find your phone overwhelming, but does she know this? Because if she's messaged you and you've not responded, she'll just think you're being ignorant.

If a friend didn't reply to my messages,
I wouldn't go knocking on their door uninvited, so unless that's something she's done in the past, I wouldn't realistically expect her to be doing that.

Have you tried using voice note on WhatsApp instead of texting? It's so much easier and you don't have to spend ages typing.

Back to your situation, I would send some flowers and apologise for being aloof with her - try and get a meet up so you can explain face to face that you find your phone overwhelming, and try to at least get back to her when she messages you in future, even if it's just short and sweet.

I think that's a fair comment. I'm really sorry for your loss but perhaps you will need to open up communication if you want to repair the friendship.

OP posted and asked. My response is facts. Maybe if she was a better friend she wouldn't have had to make this post.

It's pretty obvious where she has gone wrong.

I don't get anyone is happy to kick her when she is down.

She asked we answered.

Don't open the door to hell and then ve surprised when you don't like what's on the other side.

Everyone pipes up on MN. Including you. Clearly.

I am not going to stick the boot in or repeat what’s been said but I’m wondering if you want to repair this relationship? Is it important to you? If so, a text isn’t going to work and I think you’ll need to attempt face to face to discussion.

Friendships goes both ways
Sorry for your bereavement but she has also had a bereavement in a different way and you were not there for her

AIBU can be needlessly harsh. You’ve probably realised now that you’ve ignored her messages, yet are offended that she’s ignored yours.

She’s supported you through a divorce, you haven’t been involved in her support network during hers. You messaged her on her birthday and told her about a bereavement you’ve suffered. That could look very self absorbed to many.

I’m sorry for your loss. Maybe this friendship has run its course

She's too busy just like you were when she needed you. Am afraid that's life.

Oh, come on! You ignore her repeatedly because you are so busy - even during her divorce when she could have used a friend and now, because you want attention, she is the one in the wrong? Read your post again and see how self involved you sound.

I’m sure no one means to belittle your bereavement in any way. But it does feel like you are more interested in playing the blame game than you are at looking why your friend might not be ready to be your support system here.

“I know I didn’t bother to reply to her messages, but she knows I find my phone overwhelming”. “I know she supported me through my divorce and I ignored hers, but I was having a hard time too!” “I know I could have just got in touch, but SHE could have come round or put a note through my door”. It’s all “But… but… but…” You’ve taken the same approach to the advice you’ve had here. You’ve thrown your hands up and blamed everyone for not being supportive; you’ve blamed the reputation of AIBU… you’ve blamed everyone and everything except yourself.

If you really want to save the friendship, wait a while and send a general “How are you, hope you had a nice birthday” message. Do NOT criticise her lack of response and do NOT take a “I know I could have been more responsive around your divorce, but…” tone. Be prepared to show you genuinely miss her, rather than being annoyed she wasn’t there for you when you’d never been there for her.

How awful to persist in this attack on someone who is recently bereaved. It's fine to have your opinion. I think op has got the message. You don't need to stick the boot in even more. She's being unreasonable but she's also hurting. The fact so many people are quite happy to kick her when she's down is disgraceful.

Kindly, I think you've got a bit of a cheek. When she was going through difficult times, by your own admission you ignored her messages. So why on earth do you expect her to respond to yours now the tables have turned?

You can't expect to give little and demand a lot.

All - it doesn’t sound as though the OP is coming back again.

Agreed, she’s an awful person in my opinion. I really feel for the former friend. Imagine going through a divorce and someone you thought was your friend couldn’t even be arsed to reply because her phone stressed her out.
Id have erased her from my life from that moment

She was great and supportive when you were going through a divorce, but you ignored her when she went through hers?! You ignore your phone messages because it's over whelming?! Really do you expect her to do the opposite to you?! Do you think she's always going to be there for you, when you clearly haven't done the same. You've really hurt her feelings and let her down in the past. How selfish are you to know all of that, yet feel entitled to more than you deserve? You have been a terrible friend. Sending her a birthday message with your terrible news wasn't nice either. It looks like you used that opportunity to make it about yourself, when it should have been a nice message to celebrate her!
I am genuinely sorry for your loss by the way, and it does get easier with time. 💐

OP asks for opinions, doesn't expect it to go the way it has because she doesn't think she is wrong. She then gaslights us by making out this was a post about a bereavement.

How awful

This.
You ignored major issues in her life .... what do you expect?

So you weren’t there for her after her marriage broke down, because you “had too much going on”, even though she was there for you-now it comes to you needing her again you expect her to come running?
Its a very one sided friendship in your favour, she’s been your friend but you’ve done nothing to be her friend.

I think you know all this really, so I’m not sure what you came here looking for. If I was this woman I’d have severed all ties with you the moment you weren’t remotely supportive of her difficulties. I’m actually appalled. You have absolutely no place to feel let down, but she does.
Until you learn that friendship is very much a 50/50 two way street, don’t expect to have any friends.

Really sorry for your loss OP but you do sound very lacking in awareness.

The fact you didn’t reply to her but say ‘she knows where I am’ says to me it’s all about you and you don’t really respect the hurt and take of friendships.

I think you need to write this one off and learn to be a better friend going forwards.

Its not about being the devil. Its about action and consequences. Your action has caused the loss of the friendship when you need it. The responses on here are giving you a clear indication that most people would have reacted as your friend has. So whether you think that's right or wrong, its an excellent barometer of what will happen in future if you continue to behave in this way to friends. If you want friends in your life you will need to adjust your behaviour. It's entirely up to you what you do with that knowledge.

I think you've blown it OP. You ignored her when she was getting divorced, the three line whip of a friendship. At the very least you should have apologised profusely and explained whatever had prevented you from supporting her at that time rather than just expecting to pick up again when you felt up to it. She will likely have gathered support from others during that time and will be prioritising those friendships. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry that your friend is no longer in your life now you need her, but sadly you have brought this about. I'd suggest in future you invest more in people you want to keep around you.

Like, her though process is mind boggling 😱.

You've been an awful friend, ignoring her messages and her problems in her life, that is very selfish and sad.

And then you have the cheek to be upset when she isnt interested in your life. Apologise to her for the way you have treated her and then leave her be, she's better off without you.