I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

I’m sorry but you have not been a good friend and basically dismissed her divorce and how hard that must have been. She is not in the wrong. It sounds to me like she’s probably got to the point where she is fed up of the way you’ve treated her and is deciding to do the same to you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I hope things get easier for you. However when you repeatedly ignore someone when they need your support, you can't expect support when you need it. Regardless of the situation and the graviry of your loss.

What? You don’t reply to messages because you find them overwhelming and then get upset because she didn’t reply to your message? Makes no sense, you are being unreasonable.

Sorry for your loss. You can feel let down, and upset.

But it does sound like you expect her to do a lot of the heavy lifting in this relationship. It's on her to reply, her to arrange meetups, he responsibility to drop in on you.

Maybe she doesn't want to do it if you're not there for her.

I think people are being harsh because at no point have you even acknowledged that you understand why your friend might be now fading you out despite everyone explaining why its happening.

I'm sorry for your loss but at least acknowledge that your friend has felt really let down by you in the past and instead of throwing out hyperbole calling yourself the devil and being dramatic, it might be helpful to look at this scenario from your friend's point of view.

Obviously it's up to you but if you dont reflect on this, you'll end up with no friends left. Friendships take work and effort and people will drift away if you put no effort in because they will naturally assume you simply arent interested in continuing a relationship with them. You cant really blame them for that, it's just self protection to prevent them from getting more hurt and upset in the future.

You could always reply , acknowledging her support when you were going through hard times and offering an ear if she needs to talk about her problems. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Don’t bring up your loss or talk about what’s going on in your life but keep it about her. Especially if she comes back with an agreement to meet for coffee and chat.

@itriedmybest how do you feel? I think a lot of these posts are pretty harsh with a sprinkle of truth. On the contrary to those saying you haven't owned up to your behaviour, I feel like you have in that you were up front about her being a good friend to you and you being a bit less there for her. I can't tell If you are really that bothered to lose her or not and if you find social skills a bit difficult? My friend has ADHD and she can be really rubbish at responding and organisation and if she is over whelmed or not wanting to face something she will procrastinate or just write it off if it's too much for her, it can come off to others who don't know her as selfish and inconsiderate but she is the opposite. The third option is that you're selfish and unreasonable and expect far more than you give in your friendships-i hope it's not that. If you are really sad to lose her I think you can salvage this situation by just sending a message acknowledging and validating her step back by saying you know she's been through a lot and you've realised you haven't been as present as you could've been, you're sorry about that, but you really value her friendship and hope you can catch up soon.

This is an opportunity to acknowledge that you have been self centred, that you miss her and that if she did find some time to meet the door is always open for her. Wish her well and leave it.

^Hi friend, thanks for replying. I have not been the friend to you I wish I had been and it has taken this bereavement for me to reach out. I know I have been selfish. I miss you and would love a chance to repair this^

It does sound like you're expecting this person to know your intentions without clear communication. Like you claim that she always knew where to find you when you didn't respond to messages but from her perspective did she?

I really don’t think you get how unreasonable and self centred you’re being OP

When she replies and says she’s busy you say ‘oh well that’s our friendship over then’ but when you don’t reply to her at all you think ‘well she knows where I am and can come to my house if she wants to contact me’

Do you honestly not see how you’re making this all about you? Every post is me me me me me making yourself a victim.

Im sorry for your loss but you really have to look at your own behaviour here and accept responsibility

i Think she realised she is better off without your friendship, you lack self awareness, empathy for others and you’re very much all about yourself.

why should she jump just because you have text her but she should be completely aware that if you don’t text it’s just cause “life is hectic” or you’re not good with your phone.

if someone didn’t text me, I wouldn’t show up to their house - that is odd behaviour.

You remembered her birthday and then made the message about your mum dying. I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m not sure the timing of your message is helping.

You are a terrible friend.

What's the problem with her saying she's busy?

YOU told her that for ages when she was going through hell and needed support didnt you, so why is her being "busy" suddenly not ok?

Agree with PP, all you can do is treat this as a learning experience. You can't change what went wrong here.

This is fair, hopefully lesson learned OP. I'm surprised she even responded tbh

Hopefully you’ll learn a lesson from that, instead of blaming everyone else.

Firstly, I’m very sorry about the loss of your parent!

Honest response to your question… from what you have asked it sounds like previously she’s always been there for you when you needed her… it’s sounds like she has been a good friend to you…. but then when she has needed a friend you have failed to be there for her….
she probably ignored your msg like you did hers when she reached out.

@itriedmybest
But have you apologised? Have you specifically asked her how she is?

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is horrible regardless of when it happens.

With regards to the AIBU, I HAD a friend like you, we are no longer friends. It was always all about her. Interestingly, I don't miss her and had outgrown the friendship.

The birthday message on 'her' day also included sad news about YOU. When challenged on here about the way you have managed things, you have got a little defensive. Leave her be OP. Self reflection is a useful exercise. No one is perfect and we are always learning.

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think you have meant to let your friend down but
unfortunately your messages read very much like you are too busy for other people’s troubles.
Hope you can reconnect with your friend. Maybe this has shown how it feels to not be prioritised by a busy friend and you can both rebuild from this.

You really aren’t seeing this from any perspective other than your own are you OP? She’s at least responded which is more than you did when reached out to her. As you said she knew where you was if she wanted to contact you so surely now’s the time to apply the same logic and YOU now reach out to HER.

Just reply saying ok but if she fancies a coffee or drink any time to let you know. You let her fine badly, it’s on you to try and salvage the friendship if you want to.

She's got a lot on, like you did when she was going through a hard time... I think good for her.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you have other real life support.

It does sound like you haven't been there for her, barely (if at all) acknowledged her divorce but you got in touch because you need her. I'm sorry for your loss but did you actually even mention this at the same time as wishing her a happy birthday?

Your birthday message was basically asking her for support. She is telling you she is going through a lot - I suspect she hasn't offered to meet up due to your lack of support in the past and not having the bandwidth for a meet up being about having to support you.

If you want to try and salvage the relationship rather than letting her down again, maybe try to make amends / show you're not a fair weather friend that just takes and perhaps enquire after her?