AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

When is the leaving do, and when does this person actually leave @Packingcubesqueen?

If you know she doesn't like you (not everyone can like you!) why would you expect to be invited or want to be there?

I'm not sure that is true with work things. If you invite virtually everyone and leave one out it isn't appropriate and can be viewed as bullying. Different if you invite your close colleagues and leave the rest out but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

And she, presumably, is part of this group

I think that is a very worrying attitude.

A lot of people are excluded from social groups and society for various reasons : because they are socially awkward, shy, have mental health problems, are perceived to be poor etc etc. Loads of reasons. I'm not saying any of these apply to OP. I don't know her. But I intensely dislike the idea that because some one doesn't get on with a group of people there is something wrong with them. I think it's called " othering"

Perhaps there is something wrong with the woman who is leaving and her set of friends. Perhaps they are unpleasant bullies. We don't know.

But to assume there is something wrong with OP without even knowing her or having worked with her is out of order.

She's already having the lunch for everyone, so the 'leaving do', which I assume is drinks or food after work or something like that, is for her to say goodbye to her work friends. You're not her work friend, so why is this a problem? You already knew you weren't mates, surely.

Why should she invite people she has no rapport with to her own, independently organised night out? The key word here is 'leaving' - it's the one time in anyone's period of employment when they don't have to make polite chat with people they barely know/don't like for the sake of a good working relationship. It's a leaving do, not a corporate teambuilding event.

i think i’ll duck out of this one

no point
you’ve not been invited
generally not invited to stuff
and likely to continue at this school

🤷

Did you ever speak to her? Did she know about the night out and plan it herself? Or was it a surprise planned by the one who wanted to exclude you?

Maybe your friend didn’t know about it and had been told there would be a surprise thing, and maybe she thought you just couldn’t make it?

Excluding a small few IS a dick move. I wouldn’t waste time going to her lunch.

FGS

You saying that you are not a bully

and me saying that you are hardly the most objective on that

and you honestly don’t understand my point?

it’s not that most people are “okay” with it if we were in your shoes

i’d be hurt
but given you know she doesn’t like you, i would not have been the least bit surprised to not have been invited and would not begrudge her for that

I understand and it is hurtful. I worked somewhere where we all got on until someone started who decided she didn't like one or two of us, me being one, and set about excluding us from anything and everything. Someone was leaving who I had always got on with, I used to give her lifts to work as she lived just round the corner. I found out on the Monday morning that everyone had been invited out to say their goodbyeson the Friday night, they'd kept it very quiet.

A few weeks later I bumped into the leaver in a local pub garden she smiled broadly and walked towards me, I cut her dead. She looked very confused and I wonder what she thought my reaction should be.

Some people like picking on someone to exclude, you've just had one move out of your life which can't be bad.

ah so it's rumour and gossip - you do not actually know who is invited.

you are hardly the most objective person on whether or not you’re a bully

but given your OP…

It’s not in relation to you creating a thread. It’s in relation to your responses. Everyone is saying that she doesn’t like you, for whatever reason, and doesn’t see you as a friend so hasn’t invited you. And your reply is, “but I like her.” That’s what we mean when we say that you’re making it about you.

It’s not about you or how you feel about her. It’s her leaving night, she doesn’t see you as a friend so she hasn’t invited you. It’s very weird to reply to that by saying “but I like her.” Unless you view everything as being about you. This isn’t.

That’s a very big and unfair accusation to make based on such little information

Yep, some people love to get their claws out. But having heard of a few schools with surprisingly immature and toxic working environments, I wouldn’t assume that OP is at fault.

It's not the question, it's the fact you can't seem to grasp that what YOU would do isn't what SHE would do

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP. I see it as being a normal part of work to have some colleagues you don’t like or gel with and having to put up with spending time with them, even outside of work. Unless it’s a small group or a personal event (like a wedding) I think people should be as inclusive as possible.

I’ve thought about my future leaving doo, and would probably make the invitation open to all, with the hope that folk I don’t like or don’t like me will just decline/not show up.

No drama and no pressure on anyone.

I think I'd be hurt too. It's never nice to be left out. When we invite kids to a birthday party we either invite everyone or a small group so that it's not a noticeable minority that has been left out. Isn't that what is always said on mumsnet? Adults are meant to be more thick skinned but I don't think we are. It always sucks when you realise that someone doesn't like you that much.

I remember my office mate (office of just 4 people) not inviting me to her birthday and even though I couldn't have made it that day anyway it still stung. I thought we got along very well. It especially hurt when I realised that she had invited most of the department.