AIBU - not inviting everyone to the leaving do is a dick move

Maybe she just keeps your relationship civil & professional

she is the adult in this situation. Why be 2 faced and invite people who you don’t like?

she can invite who she wants

Why would anyone, adult or child, invite someone that they don’t like to their function. I don’t care if they’re the only one in an office or class. For me not to like someone there’s going to be a reason and I’m at a stage in my life where I don’t want to spend time with people that aren’t my friends. That said leaving meal info is usually circulated, invite only is a bit odd.

No it isn’t.

No it isn't, what?!

If you're doing a work do, it's work. If you're inviting 80% of people in the workplace and not others, it is most definitely work.

OP wouldn’t even know if her so called friend didn’t bring it up.

If you don't like her then it's a win. You don't have your go and make fake nice.

SouthLondonMum22 "That's children though. Adults know that not everyone is going to like everyone.

There's also a lunch on her last day which is for everyone."

Which will be lovely to attend knowing that she wouldn't want you there if she had the choice. Nice.

Yes, adults know not everyone will be their biggest fan but they're also capable of being kind and understanding how someone might feel if they were one of a very small number of people being left out.

As with everything, there are people who think something is ok and others who wouldn't be comfortable doing the same. In this case, there will people who think it's fine to exclude just a few people and there are others who think it would be kinder, given the numbers, to include everyone.

No, it’s not, if you read the post properly you’d see that there’s a leaving lunch for ALL staff, then this woman is arranging her own farewell night out on top of that-for which she’s perfectly entitled to only invite her actual work friends and the people she really likes. It’s off work premises and she’s arranging it outside of her work do

In any 'formal' group you invite everyone or it's a small group of friends separate from the large group.

Leaving out a few from a large group is just nasty behaviour.

If it's the reception mums night out you invite everyone or you organise a small group.
If it's a sports club night out you invite everyone or a very select group.
If it's work you invite the whole team.
Or the whole school.
You don't invite everyone and leave out a few people to feel ostracised.

I'd have thought that was obvious courteous behaviour as most people would understand it's cruel to exclude a few from a large group.

Seems lots of people think it's ok.
Which is why it's happening to you OP.

No it isn’t.

She’s having lunch with everyone on her last day.

This event is just her friends from work. OP isn’t one of them.

This is work, not your personal friends. You invite everyone. And assume that those who aren't chatty with you won't come.

It's a crummy way to find out that someone you thought you got on with reasonably well, thinks absolutely fuck all of you.

This is tricky. I think most people in schools these days tend to do a whole staff email inviting everyone to drinks in a pub. They might also on a different night do some other kind of do which might be a meal or event where it is closer colleagues. I think leaving out just a few is a bit unnecessary. However it really isn't worth getting upset about. You and her are not that close and she is leaving so just forget it.

That's children though. Adults know that not everyone is going to like everyone.

There's also a lunch on her last day which is for everyone.

I’m not sure why you’re getting a hard time on here. I think that’s definitely a dick move. You either go for a small group or invite everyone. A small group and no one bats an eyelid at a small group going out, but when you do what she’s done, it starts to create division and hurt even though she is leaving.

I get you OP. Inviting almost everyone and leaving out just a few is a dick move. As the responses show, some people would be happy to leave out and upset people, others would not.

I do get the point some have made about it being her leaving do so she can invite who she likes, but I think once the numbers creep up to most people, it's just plain unkind to leave people out. It's like when parent send in party invitations for 27 out of 30 children.

If it's was say 12 colleagues out of 30, fine. If it's 25 out of 30, it's deliberately unkind.

That’s quite normal in schools I think, I did that with my department when I left then had a whole school drinks on last day…

I'm happy to just offer an alternative view on a situation we don't know the truth about.

No need to prove I must be right.
I think it's a plausible/ likely explanation.
It might not be.
It might be.

She may not ‘dislike’ you— it may just be that there are fifteen people she prefers to you. I mean, in the (admittedly unlikely) scenario of someone requiring you to list any set of 20 people in terms of how much you like them, five people will be the bottom five. That may not mean anything other than that she likes fifteen others more. And if all of those 20 people were asked to compile the same list, each list would look different. Liking is subjective.

I honestly don’t see why this is such a body blow. We’re all disliked by someone at some point. It’s not some sweeping condemnation.

'There are 20 staff and about 15 or more been invited out of the teaching staff.'

was that a very cleverly worded reply ? are you now suggesting you are not invited to this private gathering because you are not teaching staff ?

This!

Am amazed you’re getting grief on here, OP. Yes, it’s her leaving do — but either invite a select few or invite everyone. Don’t invite nearly everyone, leaving only a handful out. That’s just mean.

As for those saying you’re making it all about you, or deciding you’re a bully — I have no idea where that’s come from…

OP, i am sorry you are being excluded and, under the circumstances (no falling out/antagonism) it is indeed unfair. But it is what it is, and you don’t need to be nice now. So in your shoes i would not attend the leaving lunch, nor contribute to gifts/sign a card.

I can understand if you feel hurt as something similar happened to me once. A weekend away was arranged and was kept secret from me, I only found out afterwards. It was the secrecy that upset me, not the not being involved.