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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at the message?

89 replies

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 14:52

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2024 19:45

Mums have feelings too.

savethatkitty · 07/08/2024 19:36

Yes, she's being nasty.

LonelyInDville · 07/08/2024 19:28

I'm like your DM. I've never been photogenic and I'm even less now that I'm older (50s) There are hardly any pics of me since I was a kid and even though I have a DC I don't care about wanting pics of myself to look back on. But I don't really care for pictures ( especially if I'm in them )anyway.

SleepySusan · 07/08/2024 19:21

Your mother sounds awful.

I can’t say I like having my picture taken, even when I look bad, I would never take it out on the person taking the pictures as that’s my own insecurity. Why couldn’t she just delete them from her phone and ask you not to share?

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/08/2024 19:13

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:27

Thank you for the responses - it’s given me stuff to think about for sure.

I think it’s best I just don’t take any photos of her with DC anymore. It’s always well-wished but she clearly doesn’t like being in them and I have to respect that.

It did sting with the choice of video though - my two kids were just tootling about in the background and she’d deliberately zoomed in on me- you know the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up, whereas I thought I saw a nice photo opportunity and took it.

Ho hum. Now I know.

I think it's best I just don't take any photos of her with DC anymore. It's always well-wished but she clearly doesn't like being in them and I have to respect that.

And yet, in a later comment you say that your DM usually likes the photos you send of her and that you avoid taking candid ones because you know she's a bit self-conscious....

To say that you're just not going to take any photos with your DM in any more is an unbelievably petty and passive-aggressive response. You're being a martyr because a few people have said that your DM isn't being entirely unreasonable.

Do I think your DM has dealt with this well? No, there were far better ways that she could have handled it rather than sending you a video that she knows you hate. It was unkind.

But you have also changed the narrative on that video - in your OP you described it as a normal video of a mum playing with their DC at soft play, and over the course of this thread it's now apparently a zoomed-in video like "the ones you do when you’re with friends to wind them up". You obviously don't like the video but I'm having trouble believing the later description because it wildly contradicts the first. It's fine to just say you don't like the video, you don't have to try and make your DM look more vindictive to prove your point. It doesn't matter. You don't like the video, end of story.

I think you both need to behave better. She was spiteful to make a point and you're being spiteful now saying you won't ever take a photo of her again.

Turophilic · 07/08/2024 19:04

It was a horrible thing to do, but it was understandable in context.

You sent a photo you thought she’d like. She hated it she asked you get rid of it.
You patronised her with “you’ll be glad one day”
She sent you a video to prove her point.

It was unkind but you clearly pissed her off.

AtlanticMum · 07/08/2024 18:59

I think your Mum is acting immature and victimish. She doesn’t sound like a very nice Mum tbh.

Notsuchafattynow · 07/08/2024 18:58

I cannot imagine my mum ever doing something like that to me.

She sounds a horrible mum.

fatphalange · 07/08/2024 18:55

Wow that is spectacularly nasty of her. Your intention was to send some pics she may or may not have liked- shame she didn't. No agenda behind it.
Her intention was to hurt you. She was petty enough to scroll, find the video, send it and then crow about how it was intended to upset you. She needs to grow up and so does anyone pretending they can't see what she did wrong Flowers

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 18:48

To send you the video was shitty. She needs to grow up.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 07/08/2024 18:45

I think it was awful of her to do that; cruel and extremely petty. Does she often deliberately do things like that to hurt you?!

Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:42

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 15:00

I hadn’t thought of it like that, thank you. I didn’t mean to preach to her, I just find it upsetting myself that I don’t have many photos of me and my DC and maybe she’d change her mind in years to come. And I meant no harm in sending the photos to her - her response felt very spiteful and purposeful.

Show quote history

You hadn’t thought of it like that because it’s such a toxic way to think.

Dont gaslight yourself or let anyone on here do it.

Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:40

ToothPickk · 06/08/2024 14:55

Here's where you went wrong:

reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time

That's not your decision to make. She didn't like the photos of herself and that's ok. You preaching that she would thank you made her remember the time you hated your video, so she found it and sent it to remind you.

If you think this is normal behaviour I’m concerned for your family. Jesus.

Bangwam1 · 07/08/2024 18:39

ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 14:52

Last night I sent my DM a couple of photos I had taken of her and my DC after a day out. This is fairly normal; I frequently send her pictures of my children, including candid ones I take of her and DC.

She instantly told me to delete them, saying she didn’t like the way she looked (she’s had a hang up about her appearance for as long as I can remember). I replied saying that she looked lovely and reassured her that she’d be glad I took these photos for her to look back on in 10+ years time (I have few photos of me and my DC and they’re very small so figured she’d have the same mindset in years to come.)

Anyway, I unsent the message with the photos on and she asked, and left it. She then replies by sending a video of me that she took at the beginning of the year - just a standard video of me with my DC at soft play. With all the unattractive angles - double chin, stomach rolls, the works. I remember watching that video back that day and voicing how upset I felt at the way I looked; I’ve gained an awful lot of weight since having my youngest DC and have been trying hard to lose it. It was almost like a “oh s*- have I gotten that big?” moment. However I did thank her for snapping photos and videos etc. because I don’t get many. Completely forgot it existed until now tbh.

I asked her “did you send that on purpose because you didn’t like the photos I sent of you?” And she replied “correct.” And then said something sarcastic along the lines of ‘tit for tat. You like the photos of me and DC, and I like the video.” I was instantly upset and told her I thought she was being deliberately nasty, and how I hadn’t send those photos over to be horrible at all. Then she did the usual back peddling, telling me “I thought you’d laugh. I’m not getting into an argument.”

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it felt very vindictive of her to actively search for that video and send it in an attempt for me to feel badly about myself (she knew that video was a hard watch for me, especially when I’m trying my hardest to get comfortable in my new body etc) just because she did. And then be sarcastic about it, and then accuse me of overreacting.

Sorry but your mother is abusive. That’s not normal behaviour at all. I could never in a million years imagine my mum behaving that way over something related to my child, or something unrelated.

CountessWindyBottom · 07/08/2024 18:33

YNBU, your mother was so spiteful to do that!

withlovefromlou · 07/08/2024 18:22

I agree with you tbh - in 10+ years she will probably be happy you took the photos. But she won’t be able to see that now.

When my children were younger, I hated having my picture taken. I thought I was fat (oh, how I wish I’d realised I wasn’t), and I have a curved spine which gives me a horrible hunched up look in certain positions.

Anyway, when my eldest was 6, my partner at the time took a pic of me with her in Boscastle that I absolutely hated. I thought I looked fat, and you can clearly see that I have an issue with my back from the way I was stood. After that, I rarely had my photo taken, but when I came across it a couple of years ago, I realised it wasn’t a hideous picture at all. We looked so happy, and compared to now, I was so thin!

Seeing it made me realise I’d made a big mistake by not being in more pictures with my kids. My eldest is now almost 21, and we always try to document our adventures as a family wherever we go. I still hate how I look, but I no longer worry about it. I’d much rather the little ones have photos of us to look back on when I’m gone 😊

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/08/2024 19:23

SaintHonoria · 06/08/2024 19:02

Use it as inspiration to lose weight and get healthy so that you don't have to worry what you look like in photos and videos. Even better if your mother wants to do the same as you can support each other.

Go away.

SaintHonoria · 06/08/2024 19:02

Use it as inspiration to lose weight and get healthy so that you don't have to worry what you look like in photos and videos. Even better if your mother wants to do the same as you can support each other.

GlitterGirlZone · 06/08/2024 18:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

godmum56 · 06/08/2024 18:25

MonsteraMama · 06/08/2024 17:34

I think you were unintentionally rude and you did dismiss her feelings initially, but she was intentionally mean and spiteful. There was a way to express to you how she felt without ripping you down too.

Intent matters. It really does. You sent what you thought were nice memories of her and her grandchildren for her to enjoy. You missed the mark with the "you'll thank me in 10 years" line but you weren't intentionally cruel. She sent something that she knew would upset and hurt you, with the only intent being to upset and hurt you. I think that's very cruel and spiteful.

"Mum, I'm sorry I upset you by arguing when you asked me to delete the photos, that was wrong of me to dismiss your feelings and I wasn't thinking. I need you to understand though that they weren't sent with ill intent or to make you feel bad, I genuinely just thought you'd want to see photos of you and the kids having fun together. You sent me that video out of spite and malice knowing that it would make me feel bad about myself, and it's really upset me that you'd deliberately hurt me like that when you know better than anyone how hard it is to deal with poor self image."

I disagree. She wanted you to understand how she felt. Words didn't do it because you ignored them.

godmum56 · 06/08/2024 18:23

YABVU but thoughless rather than rude.....but your Mum used her words to you and you brushed them aside....so she escalated. I'd have escalated too.

Original poster
ToadstoolFairy · 06/08/2024 17:45

MonsteraMama · 06/08/2024 17:34

I think you were unintentionally rude and you did dismiss her feelings initially, but she was intentionally mean and spiteful. There was a way to express to you how she felt without ripping you down too.

Intent matters. It really does. You sent what you thought were nice memories of her and her grandchildren for her to enjoy. You missed the mark with the "you'll thank me in 10 years" line but you weren't intentionally cruel. She sent something that she knew would upset and hurt you, with the only intent being to upset and hurt you. I think that's very cruel and spiteful.

"Mum, I'm sorry I upset you by arguing when you asked me to delete the photos, that was wrong of me to dismiss your feelings and I wasn't thinking. I need you to understand though that they weren't sent with ill intent or to make you feel bad, I genuinely just thought you'd want to see photos of you and the kids having fun together. You sent me that video out of spite and malice knowing that it would make me feel bad about myself, and it's really upset me that you'd deliberately hurt me like that when you know better than anyone how hard it is to deal with poor self image."

This has been the most helpful comment on the thread. I understand now that I completely missed the mark in trying to make her see things differently but there was no ill intent.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/08/2024 17:43

Her response was still nasty IMO.

Because she thought you had been nasty, even though that wasn't your intention. You both made your point, it won't make either of you feel good to hold a grudge.

Stefanswife · 06/08/2024 17:39

@ToadstoolFairy Everyone makes mistakes and some people get upset more easily than others. Obviously, your mum sounds very sensitive about photos of herself, as am I. Just gloss over this and put it down to experience. Buy her a bunch of flowers when you next see her, mums are precious, I wish I still had mine.

MonsteraMama · 06/08/2024 17:34

I think you were unintentionally rude and you did dismiss her feelings initially, but she was intentionally mean and spiteful. There was a way to express to you how she felt without ripping you down too.

Intent matters. It really does. You sent what you thought were nice memories of her and her grandchildren for her to enjoy. You missed the mark with the "you'll thank me in 10 years" line but you weren't intentionally cruel. She sent something that she knew would upset and hurt you, with the only intent being to upset and hurt you. I think that's very cruel and spiteful.

"Mum, I'm sorry I upset you by arguing when you asked me to delete the photos, that was wrong of me to dismiss your feelings and I wasn't thinking. I need you to understand though that they weren't sent with ill intent or to make you feel bad, I genuinely just thought you'd want to see photos of you and the kids having fun together. You sent me that video out of spite and malice knowing that it would make me feel bad about myself, and it's really upset me that you'd deliberately hurt me like that when you know better than anyone how hard it is to deal with poor self image."