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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not believe how things escalated

111 replies

DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 13:47

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum in particular. I’ve always felt a little neglected by her. I’ve never felt any love. Compared to my older siblings she seems to be a good mother but I never got the same. I’m in my late 30’s now.

I felt a little sad this morning as my kids were saying they want to go grandmas house (not for her but all their cousins will be there) I phoned her up and said we are coming and maybe this time we might come by train. She went all weird and said don’t come as I saw on the news there are riots! Btw I live no where near there and neither does my mum. She then goes into a story that cousins from America are visiting their mum and my sisters want to go there on Sunday, I said to her so you don’t want us to come and she said that’s not what she said.

she’s always made me feel very unwelcome and that I’m not part of the family. There has always been so many difference I’ve see between how she treats my sisters and how she treats me. I feel so sorry for my kids as they are missing out. They were so excited this morning and my 6 year old was packing his suitcase already even though we hadn’t decided what day we would leave to go there. I just feel really sad and unwanted

sorry forgot to add: she started crying and screaming over the phone and telling me she does t want me at her funeral when she dies! And to just tell the kids she’s dead and they have no grandma! All this from me calling her to tell her we want to visit and kids excited

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/08/2024 14:23

This could have gone two ways in reality;

a) We're thinking of visiting in a fortnight.
I HATE YOU & TELL YOUR BRATS THEY DON'T HAVE A GRANDMA

b) We're coming. Going to take the train.

I've already got a houseful and lots to do and it doesn't sound particularly safe at the moment with everything that's on the news. 'I'm worried about the riots'.

There aren't any. We're coming.

'But we've already arranged to go to somebody's house, we're not going to be in for lots of it'

YOU DON'T WANT US DO YOU?

That's not what I said.

YOU HATE ME AND NEVER LOVED ME LIKE YOU DO MY SISTER THE KIDS ARE ALREADY PACKING (because I meant now, not in a fortnight, whatever I might say on MN) YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME. IF YOU DON'T DO THIS YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER TO ME. CALL YOURSELF A GRANDMOTHER, WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY TO THE KIDS - THAT YOU DON'T LOVE THEM EITHER - I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER THEY DON'T HAVE A GRANDMA. IS THE ONLY TIME THEY'LL SEE YOU GOING TO BE YOUR FUNERAL? THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Crying whilst being shouted at

'I don't want them at my funeral.'

WHAT DO I TELL THEM THEN?

'Tell them they haven't got a grandma, then' <hangs up>

I wonder which one is actually more accurate?

Original poster
DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 14:22

I think I should have posted in south Asian musnet topic. But I’ll try and explain myself - in the culture it’s expected daughters visit their parents, it’s actually seen as strange if I don’t so since summer holidays in my Inlaws house this has been conversations of when I’m visiting my family as that’s what happens.we do not inconvenience my mum as there is only Indian food she cooks and kids do not like Indian food so siblings all of us do a shop and we would share food every holiday when I would go (I haven’t actually been for a while and Inlaws getting nosey about it hence I thought it was time, you do not tell Inlaws in the culture if there are any arguments in your family, that’s really frowned upon to air dirty laundry in public even though Inlaws are family but not blood related - hope that makes sense?)

I don’t know how to explain it as to me I’ve grown up with it but it’s hard from non Indians to grasp basically it’s expected to visit your family and family get excited to see you and kids get excited getting together. The more noise and mayhem the better it’s considered it’s even a word for it in our language which I don’t know in English.

OP posts:
letmego24 · 06/08/2024 14:08

DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 13:52

@letmego24 i wasn’t just turning up. I phoned to tell her we want to come and to discuss when we would. I would need at least 2 weeks to book a train ticket in advance. She’s not the type of mum who stocks up on food etc or even cooks, all siblings we do our own shopping when we get there and cook for our kids and us.

Edited

Oh right, sorry thought you meant on the day.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/08/2024 14:01

Don't agree with the children that you are going to stay with someone until after you have agreed that with them!

Demonhunter · 06/08/2024 13:58

So what was said for the conversation to go from "that's not what I said" to screaming and crying that the kids didn't have a Grandma?

JJathome · 06/08/2024 13:57

DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 13:55

Oh I see from my OP I wrote “we are coming”, I phoned up to say we are planning to come I meant.

But why were the kids excited. Surely you phoned and said when would suit before you told the kids?

it does read like she’s made other plans then you told the kids you were going and informed her, and are now playing the victim.

Original poster
DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 13:55

Oh I see from my OP I wrote “we are coming”, I phoned up to say we are planning to come I meant.

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 06/08/2024 13:54

Borrow a tent. Sometimes dc just need a change of scenery.. My dc have no dgps. I have guilt.
And a tent!!
Dc are more than fine.
Yours will be too.

WhyIOughtTo · 06/08/2024 13:53

So your siblings were going to your mums house with their children to stay for a while and so you thought you would go too and your mum has tried to put you off going?

Is it because it will be more chaotic and too much for her?

I'm going to my mums this weekend with my two older teens and now my brother has said that he is also going with his wife and three teenagers and I'm pissed off about it. I think the teenagers will all have a lovely time but we are now all going to be on top of each other for a week. Every time we need to eat it's going to be a hassle as there we'll be nine people.

Original poster
DyfunctionalFsmily · 06/08/2024 13:52

@letmego24 i wasn’t just turning up. I phoned to tell her we want to come and to discuss when we would. I would need at least 2 weeks to book a train ticket in advance. She’s not the type of mum who stocks up on food etc or even cooks, all siblings we do our own shopping when we get there and cook for our kids and us.

OP posts:
letmego24 · 06/08/2024 13:51

Obviously don't know the whole story but I find it difficult when my children just ring on the day and tell me they are coming instead of asking / could the other siblings have made arrangements a while back and bus you are asking in the day?
I like to get food in and organised and find it harder to be just descended on especially if it's overnight, and it also feels disrespectful as if my time doesn't matter?