To not believe how things escalated

Off topic sorry, but what does that emoji mean? Google isn’t helping!

@mytuppennyworth I was thinking exactly the same as you.

It's bonkers that so many posters are leaping to defend the mum here. She sounds unhinged. Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. I really think you need to take a step back from your mother - she clearly isn't going to change and be the mother you need or deserve, and if you keep hoping for things to be different, you will keep exposing yourself to hurt.

OP I hope this question doesn't upset you, but have you ever wondered about the circumstances surrounding your conception? Maybe something there accounts for the difference in treatment? maybe PND, maybe something else?

So you're an Asian, in the UK and you're angry that your mum doesn't want you and the kids travelling by train at a time when Asians are being targeted - even if they aren't in a place where theres riots.

Your mum is trying to keep you and your kids safe; but I get the feeling you'd be complaining if she wanted you to come about how dare she want me to travel during the current unrest!

It seems like you've always felt rejected by your mother, despite your best efforts to be what is expected of you as a daughter.
Sounds quite toxic, I'd definitely be distancing myself as hard as that may be for you within your culture. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'd also do something nice with your children that they'll love as much if not more than visiting her.

I’m sorry I think some people on this thread are on the booze with some of these crazy replies.

Look, I suppose on the surface of it this could be interpreted as as your mum possibly feeling overwhelmed with hosting and not feeling up to more visitors and maybe she genuinely is worried about the riots. You could be seen as upping the ante/overreacting by assuming she was saying she didn’t want you to come and she has taken offence to your overreaction and overreacted herself (although the escalation is hard to understand given the brief details you’ve provided). This is how many on here seem to have interpreted this.

But clearly there is a background to this and you are viewing and experiencing this through the lens of someone who 1. Has felt sidelined/ treated less favourably than siblings for most of your life and 2. Is used to the Indian culture of large family gatherings and visiting/hosting relatives.

Your mother is never going to admit to treating you this way, so you have no other option than to make your peace with it, focus on the people in your life who love you and learn not to expect too much from your mother who clearly has her own emotional issues.

Ignore the majority of the comments they don't understand the asian perspective. Have your sisters got an opinion on the situation?

Sorry, what?

YANBU

I was the black sheep in my family and more than once they had big events they didn't invite me to. One SIL who was unpopular was asked to chip in an expensive gift for my mother then invited to the party itself the night before, done intentionally as they knew she'd be unable to attend on short notice. They laughed and laughed about it. Fucking cackling bitches.

The day my mother and aunt rounded up all their sons for a lovely photo op at a party and didn't ask me or my female cousin (we're both adoptees, all the many sons were bio kids) was basically the last straw for me.

I predict your mother will shit talk you to the wider family during the visit you've been excluded from. I'm sorry, it hurts I know. My advice is to forget her, stop making any effort at all. When relatives ask you just tell them plainly you're not wanted and not going to push yourself on anyone who doesn't want/like you.

All sounds very difficult.

Maybe she is genuinely worried about the riots.
I was shocked to see racist graffiti in my lovely home counties village.

@ClemmyTine this is exactly what narc mothers do. Everyone is an object, ' they are my objects and I will play them as I please, particularly if you ever challenge me and the narcissist family system in any way. '

Sounds dramatic but it's true.

I'm white English and I there's no one I know that would try to put one child off coming because they had other children and g, children also coming. The more the merrier I would think
(Children and g, children, not normal guests)
I am from a family orientated culture and we would be glad to see them.

Yanbu.

This with absolute bells on. I'm guessing it may be narc grannies' day off today or something??

Only on mumsnet will you get told by a bunch of know it alls that your lived experience is wrong, and it’s actually what they say/think it is 🫨

@DyfunctionalFsmily it's totally understandable that dealing with lots of loud children is sometimes unappealing for grannies ( it is and it's ok to feel that way).

HOWEVER, I absolutely believe you that there is something wrong with your mum and your relationship with her. It just rings bells in my mind. The way you describe it feels familiar to me. Have you looked into narcissistic mothers and is it possible she may be?

There's not enough information here to know this but it might help you understand things if that is what's going on.

I love how all these MN posters are gaslighting you,🤷‍♀️ just like you would have been your entire life if you did in fact grow up in a narcissistic family system.

bit ott to tell you not to ome to a funeral but please ont tell your kids theyregoing somewere before onfirming

my sister does this an i always say why di you tell niece you were going to x ansshe says beause she was exicted! so just keep it to yourself until you know for sure

This all sounds very upsetting OP, especially when you were only trying to do what is normal in your family and wider culture.
I hope that your mum was just quite overwhelmed by the worry about riots and will not feel the same once she has had time to think. It might help to give her a call in a week or two to talk about this, and what is really bothering her (because it doesn't seem like you wanting to visit was at the heart of it, really).

This is just another example of sexism disguised as culture. Just because it’s the typical thing to do, doesn’t mean it’s ok to impose on your mother to host.

this happens in my own culture and extended family and it drives me crazy. I can’t help but call it out IRL because I don’t want my child thinking it is acceptable. It hasn’t exactly made me popular with the in-laws, but I know I have raised my child well and I hope I have gotten my nieces and nephews to think about the insidious ideas they are being taught about their own mother’s servitude.

No one is being rude, you're going off on tangents and not answering the questions. How did the conversation go from "that's not what I said" to crying and screaming that she's dead to the kids? If you don't give all the info, how do you expect advice?

I don't think you be rude ti people. Your original post was very unclear.

So your mother already has houseguests and you called her up and said you want to pile in with more people? Does she even have enough beds? What would the bathroom situation be like?