To not believe how things escalated

OP is there no local auntie to spend time with or a nearby Travel lodge? Then mil knows your doing your thing, all the family see everyone and you have a bolt hole from your mum?

I'm sure if you told mil that mum seems,a bit off she will understand. Like you say your mil is like an additional mum if your Asian. She won't be judging you, more your mums hospitality and she hardly going to take that up with your mum.

The title for this thread also seems to apply to what happened between the OP and the replies which is very interesting...

If you can't turn up at your mums house where can you ? Makes me very thankful for my mum who has always had an open door policy for all of us and our partners and our kids. And there's 11 of us in total. When it comes to food we certainly don't ask to be fed but she doesn't need notice to get some eggs out and makes an omelette if there's nothing else in and we all help and clean up. Why does it mean your time doesn't matter? Your children are not strangers... my mum doesn't stop her life if we call to say we are coming over.

Definitely something wrong with your relationship with your mum.
My mum and dad are getting the kitchen done, still they've been asking nearly daily when I'm going down with the kids to stay, same to my sister and brother.
We all live in the same town so we've been popping down for the day a few times a week and will now go and stay for the week from Monday.
It's the more the merrier at my mum's, 9 grandchildren in total ranging from 20-2 years old plus us 4 siblings and mum and dad.
We all cook and plan the days together, older kids catch up and younger ones cause more chaos but that's how my parents like it!
We are also British indian so I completely understand you op.

I'm sorry your mum made you feel unwanted. Was it more to do with already hosting lots of visitors and not wanting additional numbers - so nothing personal - or do you think it was personal? My mum always loves to have a houseful, and would always be ready to squeeze extra people in, so if your family/ culture is like this, I get why you feel hurt. x

You know, there’s something very sweet about how naive this post is, you’ve clearly never experienced having one sibling being the favourite. Also, some mothers are very clear in that they love one child more. Even when you grow up it’s still a problem as the favourites children will be prioritised over yours and the dysfunctional dynamics continue. Sometimes, cutting contact is the only way to stop it.

I’m not Indian but i completely get this dynamic, especially the emotionally immature, drama Queen parent. You have to accept that you will not change her. The only thing within your power is how you let it affect you. If your kids want to spend time with cousins then make arrangements directly with your siblings. Although, in my experience excluding your mum will probably make her furious.

@DyfunctionalFsmily - really sorry I didn’t see your post when it first came out, otherwise I would have jumped on earlier to counter the early bullshit responses you had.

Please return to the thread to see that later posters have been sane.

I’m not Indian but I don’t think you have to be Indian to see that your DM is treating you poorly. What type of mother welcomes some children and not others? Particularly in a culture where multigenerational living and close proximity to adult children is the norm?

I’m with a PP who wondered whether there is something different about you, your birth, conception, something which makes her push you away.

One thing I can see though is this is not in your head, she really isn’t being kind to you. She almost sounded disappointed that you wanted to visit her.

I have a very strange relationship with my own DM. I was always treated less favourably than my DSis. She used to say spiteful and dramatic things to make me feel bad. Now she’s in her 80s she tries to be warmer with me and has confided that when she had me, her marriage to my DF was very bad and abusive and she was depressed for a long time. It wasn’t about me. She kind of associated me with negativity.

In the last few months we’ve been in a better place (for example her visits to see her GC have increased by 200% this year up from nothing to 2 visits last month alone!), but I don’t think we’ll ever have the mother/daughter bond which I’ve envied in so many others. Probably too late for that now but there’s a part of me who still hopes for it even in middle age.

This post is so weirdly insidious, I can't decide whether you are OP's mother or just some self-important crank with a Mystic Meg complex

Sorry @Dysfunctionalfamily this sounds really hard on you. Is it an option to just phone your mum up some time and tell her how you feel? Would it help to ask whether she knows why? Can one of your siblings help to communicate about this at all maybe? Hope it eats resolved one way or another and your kids get to see their cousins.

If I called my mum and said we're coming up to visit she'd be ecstatic, so I think that's a personal one TBH

My daughter and son in law came to live with us for 3 months with 24 hours notice. They had to take us as they found us. (for full info, we knew they were coming for 3 months, it was just 2 weeks earlier than planned)

You're getting a shitty time and I don't know why. You've tried to organise a weekend with your mum you can come and visit- you weren't saying you were leaving that day, and your mum has basically said no, and escalated. I'm sorry your sisters are seen as 'better' than you- do they still live in the area? Can you stay with them, or does it have to be your mum for cultural reasons? Do you get in with them, or do they treat you shabbily as well?

Her eldest is a boy but he threw her out of the house when she refused to give him more money so they are estranged. She has 2 daughters both married with sons. It was very strange her behaviour as in lots of ways she is very westernised (in her 60s, not born in uk), she drives, speaks excellent English, has always worked. One of my dd is married to a Muslim and she told me no bmw for her children. She has gone quiet on the issue and pretends it is not happening.

But she doesn’t want to protect the other kids and grandkids who are welcome to visit?

So you're an Asian, in the UK and you're angry that your mum doesn't want you and the kids travelling by train at a time when Asians are being targeted - even if they aren't in a place where theres riots

As a mother, I can perfectly understand her concern.. one wants to protect ones kids even when they're grown up.

Cant you visit your siblings/arrange a short break with them instead. If it’s about cousins getting together then do that.

Are you close to a sibling?

Yeah, this - arrange the outing/sleep over first then tell the kids!
Not get them all excited and packing before he's even been arranged, that way leads to disappointment!

On a practical note, I think I'd be saying 'mum, when can we visit as MiL is starting to think its weird that we don't' and go from there. You can't do anything to make her more welcoming but at least she could help to keep MiL off your back, as I'm sure she wouldn't want her to be speculating either.

@DyfunctionalFsmily I have no idea why you’ve had such heartless bullshit responses on here (amongst some supportive and thoughtful posts). Some really tone deaf and frankly stupid responses. @Scentedjasmin ‘s post was a particular low.

It sounds really hard, with your mum. I imagine you’ve had a lifetime of feeling less than and this recent incident is just too much.

💐

so sorry you and your kids feel like this. I’m same. Apparently my mum is too old to do x,y,z and cook for us (she is old, but going back a few years now) but then I go around and she is cooking a big dinner for my brother, girlfriend & kids.

Why don't you just go anyway? It's for the kids. They're excited and you don't want them to be disappointed. And if you're not there, everyone will wonder why...

Sorry you are getting a hard time for no reason OP. I get how much it hurts - my mum has got more and more distant and I’m upset by her not wanting to visit ours / us come to her more than every 2 months for as short as possible. Especially when you see friends with close mum/grandmother relationships

So sorry your going through this op
sending you hugs xx

Agree completely. It’s hurtful and unfair and clearly not the first time this has happened.

If it's her house how can she be made homeless?

She needs to calm down, even if he married a woman the same as himself, there is no guarantee the same religion girl would want to live with her.

Are her other 3 children girls? Just one boy?

Classic narc behaviour. The whole ‘don’t come to my funeral’ thing is so classic.
she won’t change. If anything she’ll probably get worse. You can choose low/no contact or try and adjust your expectations. The main thing to remember is it isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve it. The golden child/scape goat routine is another classic narc thing and plays out in many families.