To not believe how things escalated

I feel you have somewhat missed the point of the post.

@DyfunctionalFsmily late to this post but wanted to say I am so sorry how you are treated and how you feel unwanted. I am not South Asian but my background is two cultures that are very close knit when it comes to family. I am estranged from my birth family and was als o unwanted. I get it and empathise with you. When I was newly estranged I got some help from Relationship s board on here. I hope you find strength and Peace. I could never treat my daughter the way your mother treats you. I imagine you wouldn't do that to your kids e ther.

It's perfectly OK to say 'no' to having visitors, whether they are family or not.

Tell your in-laws that you're worried about being honest with them as it's frowned upon, then tell them the truth about what is happening with your mother. Break the cycle of hiding the truth from family.

OP

Can you book to go away somewhere a short distance from your Mum's so the children can pop in and see the cousins while you have some time for a cup of tea with your mum, then pick them up later? If you were in an airbnb or something, you could have your own space, would get your in-laws off your back. Failing that, tell your MIL that you aren't travelling due to riots.

So sorry to hear she reacted in that way when you were able to reveal what you had experienced as a child. From your posts it sounds like you MIL is a good person who has embraced you into the family. Do you feel able to confide in her at all about the strained relationship with your mum? It is hard putting on a brave face when you are struggling inside. Family dynamics aside. Get yourself and the children out and about. You will feel miserable coped up inside.

This.

You are a brave woman, @DyfunctionalFsmily

Also this, though.

Is it possible she has become really upset because of the riots?

Can't edit my above comment but just saw your post where you mentioned your mum did nothing to support you when you told her you experienced an assault by a male as a child. Please ignore my comment above. You do not need a relationship with her. She sounds like a terrible mother!

I'm South Asian and my mum gets stressed with house guests, even her adult children visiting her! As she's getting older, she is less tolerant of the noise and mess that our children make. We are all different.

I think you shouldn't worry about what your in laws think. It sounds like your mum overreacted on the phone, but maybe give her space and try to repair your relationship with your mum (if you want to), she might give you her reason for not wanting a visit from you.

I DO know some Indians - this comment made me laugh out loud! My first thought was to wonder if that was your culture, as my friends have frequent almost identical conversations with their parents that involve "you'll never get my money", "you're dead to me", "I won't let you touch my body when I'm dead" etc etc. The way they coped was to develop really thick skin. They just kept saying "okay, okay" and kept turning up to the house, family events etc regardless. The parents wouldn't kick off in front of anyone else to save face. Then they would just smile, wave and leave! Visit completed.

@DyfunctionalFsmily your update is absolutely heartbreaking. She has let you down in the most fundamental way, and has failed in the most basic sense to be in anyway a good Mother. How dare she. Your anger and hurt is completely justified even without the additional Information. I would want to tell her to go fuck herself, the nasty narcissistic monster that she is. But I also get she is your mum and you want to have a relationship with her, for the sake of your kids, for the wider family dynamic. Good for you, for being brave enough, strong enough to pursue that. Your resilience is admirable and you are setting at amazing example for your children. But allow yourself to feel hurt by her cruelty, her failings. And remember they are hers to live with and be judged by, not yours

She reacted like this to ridiculing and bitchy posts, not those asking for clarification.

If you over react like this to people on here asking for clarification then I wonder how you react to your Mum.

Go places with your kids. You don't have to visit relatives, usually boring anyway. Or, visit your sisters separately at their homes. Do you get on with your sisters?

You must feel awful. I understand. Obviously without knowing anything else. Do you think there is something else because that reaction is over the top? Is she usually explosive like that? If you have any siblings you can trust I would ask. A shame for your kids but imagine going there and she creating a drama and your kids feeling worse. It could be something small that grew resentment from her part? You said she never liked you much but still.

F me op. The fruit loops were out on force. Sounds hurtful and upsetting.

Absolute poppycock. Plenty of mothers do not love their children equally. Your post is inaccurate and rude.

I agree, I'm surprised that nobody had by the point you posted said "I'd like to know your mother's POV"

OP, I'm so sorry. I don't know you, I don't know your culture, but I do know that family is important, and rejection from family feels terrible. Please know that some mothers are just this way, I know that doesn't make it much easier, but please try not to internalise this, or feel that this is your fault.

This is something with your mum, especially so given that it seems in your culture that big family gatherings, the more the merrier seems expected usually.

I hope you can do something with your children that cheers you all up.

Your mum sounds horrible and drama-seeking. You have a couple of options:

Suck up her nastiness in order to keep up your relationship with your sisters and you kids' relationships within the family. As your kids get older, they will realise how nasty she is, side with you, decide they don't like her and you can all go low-contact and breathe a sigh of relief when she kicks the bucket.

You could cut her off and actually confide with your in-laws that she is not welcoming. You might find this better for your mental health. If your husband has lots of newphews and nieces, they will still have cousins to play with.

Mums's are only useful and needed if they are good. If they are shit, the damage they do is worse than if they never existed. You can cut her out of your life if you want. You have your own nuclear family and in-laws.

What a bitchy post.

Why are you questioning what OP said?

Just take it on face value what she said was true. Shes asking for opinions, she doesnt deserve a freaking shake down! Grow up.

Literally the best thing I’ve ever read on here 😂