To ask if a friend has ever suddenly stopped talking to you?

I've ghosted and been ghosted. Sometimes those friendships revived themselves, sometimes not. Life ebbs and flows, people change, their situations change. I don't think there's any need for a character assassination or long explanations- rarely achieves anything.

Literally the same thing happened to me. Maybe I managed to befriend your school friend in adulthood. Bizarre behaviour, isn't it?

All this 'mental health crisis' stuff is frankly BS. I had friends who distanced themselves when I had a mental health crisis.

Friends who had previously 'thought of me as family' were told that I was ill. Their response? Not a peep.

Conversely, though, the most unlikely people reached out and we've become firm friends since. It says a lot about someone to see you at your worst and love you anyway.

The only other instance was a previously very good friend 'unfriending' me on Facebook... all because I didn't reply to a random message she'd sent within half hour.

A few years later, she sent me a friend request. Wasn't getting into that shit again, so declined. And that was that!

Mutually ghosted loads of people over the years. I never contacted them, they never contacted me.

Yes. Living in a fantastic community that centred around the school, local pub and restaurants and communal sports, we made amazing friends and built a wonderful network of people all roughly at the same stage of life. The core group became really good friends and we helped out a lot with fetching and carrying kids as well as often meeting over the weekends for BBQs, family lunches and dinners, babysitting for weddings and dinners out etc.

One the most outgoing women who I really got on with and always thought we were on the same wavelength and genuine friends, suddenly started 'cold shouldering'.... cut chats short at the school gate, started noticing I wasnt invited to dinner parties or included in outings, that kind of stuff. It was all very obvious and awkward, especially when the cold shouldering spread to other women in the group. I was really upset and racked my brains trying to think, what did I do wrong - did I dominate the conversation or give offence in some way, what did I do or say that was wrong??? I was so desperate to be included again and for things to go back to how they had been, in retrospect it took on the gloss of a perfect year - which it probably wasnt, but it felt that way.

Luckily a few of the women rallied round and we carried on socialising and supporting each other - Im so grateful to them now as it was made clear to them that their continuing their friendships to me was somehow not kosher. They were still included int he main group, but on a lesser standing if you know what I mean. Eventually through the passage of time and all the tortuous twists and turns of gossip and innuendo it turns out that the original queen bee had got it into her head that her perfectly nice and conventional husband fancied me and this got her all worked up - complete nonsense as he was perfectly nice and innoffensive but he didnt set my panties on fire and Im pretty sure I didnt scorch his briefs either! Absolutely no flirtation or anything of that kind, but she deliberately isolated me and tried to have me ostracised from the group because of it. Not once did she ever raise this with me - I was completely unaware the whole time.

we're six years down the line and she's done it to two other women in the extended group on other pretexts - so maybe the imagined situation was just an excuse to flex her muscles and show her social power. In the meantime the lovely women who stuck by me have become true lifelong friends - my social life is less hectic as Im no longer in this mad merry go round of organised activities that went with 'belonging', but its all good. Today I pass her in the street with a polite but distant smile as befits an aquaintance I dont really like or know, but I still get the glare as if Im the town Jezebel. Its all completely manufactured and imaginary and absolutely nuts.

I've ghosted a friend. They were in a situation that I found quite triggering, and I was honest about that. They used to grumble a lot about that set of circumstances but never set out to change it. I was sat having a conversation with them one day and they made a completely contradictory comment about someone they knew, having only days before been slagging them off, and I had the sudden realisation that they were so enmeshed that, by continuing the friendship, I'd only be causing myself ill health.

I had been honest throughout about how I was feeling, and when they went a few days not messaging (having previously been in contact daily), I took it as a sign and drastically reduced contact.

Yes, found out a few months later she’d had a miscarriage when I bumped into her. Her and her dh had told nobody and on the day I met her she’d just told her family and was very emotional. I felt and still feel horrible that I didn’t know/ guess. We both make sure to properly talk now

I found quite a few people disappeared during lockdown and when they reappeared I wasn’t really interested in picking back up again to be honest. Yes we were all going through a shit time but don’t disappear for a year and then expect to come back and carry on as normal

On the flip side quite a few people who I would have said were acquaintances before lockdown I became really good friends with during that time and would now class as very close friends

Have a few specific school friends (so known each other since the 90s) who come and go depending on how life is at that time and when we pick up again it just carries on like normal.

Yes, my closest friend ghosted me. I last saw her around 8 years ago and she was fine then.

I tried to arrange a meetup but she was busy. I tried to phone but she was busy.

I stopped trying and she never called. I fear that she is in yet another controlling relationship, but there is nothing I can do to make her want to stay in touch.

I hear from her parents via mine, so I know she is ok and they don't see much of her either, so I try not to take it personally.

I really miss her though.

Yes. I was very close to a man for a few years. We were set up on a blind date and realised quickly that there was no romantic feelings but we had a great time together. I felt like he was my brother. We saw each other most weeks (he had other female friends - more than make friends I'd say). Then he got a girlfriend and obviously we saw each other less, but he still confided in me and we still saw each other and I did meet her. Then we had a slight disagreement- my fault I said something without thinking - but it WAS slight. He never spoke or contacted me again (I googled him once and he did marry the girlfriend).
I had a friend who was very close to someone. My friend got engaged and this woman was thrilled and helped her plan and was very involved. Then the wedding day came, her friend didn't show up and she never heard from her again!
A slow fade I can understand- people may just grow apart. But I suddenly drop seems strange and very hurtful.

Yes and I've recently found out the reason through someone else, who could tell the situation was going round in my head so decided to just tell me what she knew. It's much better to know so that you can move on.

Absolutely. Sometimes 'friends' can be over critical selfish and controlling. And a toxic influence.

Exactly the same story for me.

I'll never understand what happened because everything was fine prior to it and I definitely didn't do anything wrong.

It only hurt for a brief time because I quickly realised that she wasn't who I thought she was if she could do that to me (I have a VERY low opinion of ghosters) but it still crosses my mind from time to time as it makes no sense.

It’s not always a simple thing to understand. I have been ghosted (because I moved away and therefore was just ‘forgotten’) but I also did the ghosting once. And I still feel really awful about it.

I was mentally in a very bad place, my husband (now ex) was abusive and I wasn’t coping at all with anything. With hindsight, he was isolating me from all my friends and family but I didn’t know that at the time. I used to go to the shops just to have an interaction with someone / anyone who would be nice to me.

I didn’t mean to do it, it just happened over time and she did contact me to ask if everything was ok and I told her it was. It blatantly wasn’t but I couldn’t admit it. I was so ashamed about everything.

She was such a good friend and I really miss her. It’s been 18 years since I last spoke to her. I’d like to apologise but I haven’t - I don’t think she’d want to hear from me. I wish I could turn back time and change pretty much everything about my life at the time but I can’t. What I did was horrible but I am truly, truly sorry.

Yes.

Friend 1 - known each other since primary school. Always in touch, went to her hen do and wedding. I’m Godmother to her children. I got engaged as her marriage was failing. She stopped answering calls/replying to texts. She was fine with other people as I could see from her social media. Walked in the hairdressers one day a few years later and she greeted me like a long lost sister. We went for a drink the next week but nothing was the same. I’d be polite if I saw her in Asda or something but I wouldn’t become as involved as before.

Friend 2 - worked together for around a year. Saw each other for lunch/catch up every few weeks. Came to stay with me when I moved a few hundred miles away. Again; went on hen do and full day/night guest at wedding. Known each other 20 years. She divorced her first husband and met and got engaged to new guy. Invited us to engagement do on a Saturday evening. I couldn’t get the Sunday off work. Same Saturday I had an event on the afternoon that I’d paid for weeks before I knew of the party. We ended up stuck in traffic on way home, had a new puppy that we’d already left for longer than I wanted. I messaged her and said I was sorry but we just weren’t able to make it. Never spoke to me again. I did offer to reimburse if she was out of pocket for our places at the party.

Friend 3 - friends for 30 years. Her wedding was originally set for 2020, obviously didn’t happen. I was asked on that hen do, it was Fri-Sun, in my industry our week starts on Sundays so the days went across 2 weeks of leave. I said no and then it didn’t go ahead anyway cos Covid. I wasn’t asked on the online one or the replacement one. Wedding was rescheduled. It would have been difficult for us as again, across two separate work weeks for me and I was still petrified about DH catching Covid (he’s CEV). Plus the travel cost and the fact there was no accommodation anywhere near, outfits for us both etc. I declined and she’s never spoken to me since.

Honestly it took a long time.

I kept making friends thinking this time would be different, but it never was.

When I was protecting myself I was hurting others, one woman in particular was very hurt when I didn't lean on her when I was struggling, and I didn't want to be responsible for someone else's pain.

I had never thought about the other person a lot before, I just assumed they would get over it because its only me, and I'm nothing special, but she highlighted the fact that I was hurting people.

The best decision I ever made was getting a dog. I go out for walks, chat to other dog walkers with no expectation of meeting up or emotional involvement, so I socialise that way, and then come home and do my own thing.

I'm 44 now, tried for years to change, and I don't, so I've adapted around that now.

I ghosted a friend in the past 12 months because she would talk badly about her friends, share things they'd told her in confidence and slag them off for their issues and in the same week you'd see her posting on socials out drinking with the same people. Ask her how the night out went and she'd talk bad about them. Repeat repeat repeat.
I'd assume she'd be talking about me since I came to the realisation I have never heard her say a kind word about anyone.

I didn't offer an explanation to her, just started ignoring her messages and if I see her I walk the other way. Nothing to be gained from the conversation other than an argument and ammunition to talk (even more) about me

@BleachedJumper it didn't have to be "tangled or long", just honest. I think what you described sounds like a cowardly action. Probably your friend is better off. It's okay to clear your life / take the easy way out, but own your behaviour

Yes, literally overnight. Made good friends with our neighbours when we moved in- they were the same age as us. Did a lot together, over about 6 years. Then one day it just stopped. They started ignoring us as we went in and out of the house, not answering our messages, wouldn't take parcels in etc. They actually sold their house without us knowing and we didn't even realise they were moving until the lorry turned up....I don't even know where they moved to...
Within 4 hours of them leaving they had unfriended myself and my husband, and blocked us on all social media, as well as any mutual friends we had. Never seen or heard from them since. No argument, no fall out, nothing....we'd been out for a meal the week before they went silent on us and had a really good night......would love to know their reasons....

I couldn’t relate to your post more!

I like the sound of acceptance in your post. How did you get to the stage where you just know this is how you do things without beating yourself up?

Most of us have had this happen, unfortunately. On the plus side you tend to know who your friends are for the long haul.

I did break contact with a childhood friend but told her exactly the reasons why so it wasn't ghosting as such.

Happened to me with a friend I had know for over 30 years, I was really upset and confused, but looking back I saw her behaviour had been getting more unacceptable over time and I was lucky to be released from the friendship. Five years on she emailed asking to see asap saying she had had therapy (not for anything critical/ depression / related reason) etc but she has had therapy before and she never changes, I wished her well (and meant it) but I can’t join her circus again.
I think it was Maya Angelou who said ‘when somewhen tells you who they are, listen!”

To give you the other side.

I do this to people, I have my whole life.

I'm ok with friendships on a superficial level, and I'll happily help others any time.

When I go through things (illness, bereavements, abuse) I just become really introverted, I can't speak to anyone, I find it impossible to maintain friendships, and then when things have settled for me again I don't feel like I can reach out because its been too long.

I didn't understand why I do that until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD and also PTSD from childhood.

Ime it's definitely about me and not about the people who I cut out.

Since then I just don't make friends anymore, it's far easier for me, and others that way.

yes it's happened to me. Im lucky really because I never cared. I'm sorry you're upset by it. I know it's easy to say and hard to do but try not to be consumed by it. Either it's them, in which case just leave them to it because you've tried several times to contact them and they've clearly made their choice, or they feel you've done or said something but instead of being an adult and actually discussing it with you, they've chosen to ghost you, in which case they're not worth bothering about.

I did this to someone and feel no remorse.

Twenty years ago I went back to my home country for a break. One night, my 'bf' phoned me from the UK waking my family up late at night.

Then proceeded to question my life choices, criticised my lack of ambition, laughed at the career I was pursuing and even critiqued my relationship with my partner, calling him a loser. She eviscerated me.

I think she'd been dumped by someone and just took it all out on me.

When I hung up, I went back to bed totally stunned and knew with certainty I would never talk to her again and felt no obligation to explain. I didn't even feel angry. She instantly ceased to mean a thing to me.

I went on to marry my partner, have two children with him, and fifteen intense years in the career she mocked.