To ask if a friend has ever suddenly stopped talking to you?

Most of the time it has been a mutual fading out, but I have been ghosted by a good friend once. There was 3 of us who lived together in our early 20s and spent over a decade holidaying together and visiting each other in our respective homes all over the country. Dates were put in the diary like clockwork to meet up. My friend, let’s call her A, was completely reliable, dependable and a really good, solid friend. The type of friend to help you move house. The only thing that was perhaps slightly ‘odd’ was that neither me or B (our other friend) had met A’s family but we lived all over the country so that was understandable. A also got a boyfriend who could be quite intense, they ended up living together and we would visit. She gave no sign anything was untoward in their relationship and claimed to be happy.

A left a group chat the 3 of us had during the pandemic. She left at about 5am, which was quite strange. This very much concerned B and I, and I messaged A to find out what was going on - I was repeatedly ignored. After calling her, she eventually messaged me saying she wasn’t in a chatty mood and she would be in touch when she was ready. I said that I understood (although I didn’t, not really) and respected her need for space but she never contacted B or I again. I continued to check in and tried to be present, I sent her a birthday card, I asked if there was anything I had done to cause upset and that I would very much appreciate a conversation to understand why she had decided to do this. Nothing. I was so concerned I ended up attempting to contact a couple of her other friends but heard nothing back from them either. A had had a tough couple of years with regard to bereavement, but had no prior history of cutting people off as far as we know.

I consider myself a pretty robust and resilient person, but this ghosting was very de-stabilising - for B, too. We spent hours trying to figure it out, but we had to move on for our own sanity. I adored A; she was quieter than both B and myself, and I often wondered if we were ‘too much’ for her when we were younger, but we had certainly calmed down by the time she ghosted us. We spoke about her being a bridesmaid at my hypothetical wedding and making the cake. I always thought she’d be in my life. It’s the strangest sense of loss and I think I will always worry deep down that something untoward happened - it is hard accepting I will never know why. I will always think of her. Since she ghosted me I completed a doctorate, met my now DH, had DC and bought a house - milestones I always thought we would celebrate, as we always did before.

Ghosting is cruel and cowardly. Anyone has the right to stop contact with someone in their lives, and to have their boundaries respected. But after many years of friendship I think it is disrespectful not to at least give a reason or perspective. It is torturous to leave someone with a sense of paranoia and unanswered questions - of course it’s different if the person was abusive or toxic, but in my specific situation we seemed to have a lovely supportive friendship.

Yep. Had been workmates, then close friends then lived together for a while, for twenty years. I moved away, but we still kept very much in touch, she came to stay, was with me when my son was born. She got married (I went to her wedding) and just dropped me. We had one final conversation, during which she told me 'you know what you did' (I didn't know, and didn't do anything as far as I, or anyone else, knew) and that was that.

Later found out that her new husband, whom she married very very quickly after meeting, was abusive, and I wonder if he told her I'd done something. But if she was that keen to take his word and not talk to me about it, it's no real loss.

Sadly I think I’m going to have to take this action. Sometimes friendships do actually fizzle out. People change with age. It’s good to make new friendships

I’ve been thinking about this recently. I had a friend I met up with regularly who never replied to my last text message, even though he was the one to instigate the conversation. I’d only seen him about a week before. When we parted that time he asked if I’d be up for meeting his new girlfriend, to which I said yes of course, so it was a bit strange for the contact to suddenly stop. Unless she wasn’t happy about our friendship perhaps. The unanswered text was 6 months ago now and I’ve been wondering if he’s actually ok. I don’t know whether to send him a message or not. I’d hate to suffer the indignity of being ghosted twice.

It's so strange that I have found this thread today as I was just thinking of the person that did this to me. We were close pretty much all through school, she moved away for uni but came home regularly (I went to uni too but stayed at home). She drove so we would go out and do things, we also knew each others families really well. She had a rubbish time in her first year, the people she lived with were not particularly nice, I stayed with her during the summer to help her move into new accommodation with new friends. After this, she came home for a last weekend before 2nd year and I went out for dinner with her and another friend of ours.

The meal was great, we had a fab time together and all left as very good friends, no argument had happened and she hugged me as she dropped me home (she offered). From that day which was almost 8 years ago I have not heard from her apart from the occasional 'thank you' on a happy birthday SM message. I never blocked her and I know she is well as much as I can see.

It hurt for a very long time and has affected how I think about people who want to be friends with me but I am now finally starting to realise that I didn't deserve that and if she can move on so can I.

💐to everyone going through/been through this I know it sucks x

I actually stopped talking to a supposed friend without explanation because if I had tried to talk to them I would’ve probably given them a few more home truths than they were ready to hear.
They had history of everything being about them if we done something they had done it bigger better faster etc, that was things that we just learned to ignore but the final straw came during lockdown when they were working in same place as our dd and told work colleagues personal things about our family and medical issues of family members and said how selfish our dd was to be still living at home, this obviously got shared with dd who thought that we didn’t want her staying at home anymore. It took a lot not just to go and blow a fuse at ex friend but I actually feel like it was better just to cut all contact and block on all sm etc

This happened to me. I've never got over it. It really hurts

I was ghosted by a close friend of about 15yrs. We live close by and they still blank me (3 yrs later). We'd been good close friends who supported each other when our children were growing up.

It was painful. I couldn't figure what I'd done. It really hurt and knocked my confidence. I believed for ages I must be an awful person.

But tbh it's been good for me. I've been able to spend time with others whom I thought were mutual friends. They pointed out a few things I'd not noticed - bit blinded by loyality? I wouldnt have listened/or made excuses if they'd told me their perceptions.

I would never have cut off so finally. I can see now how the friendship changed, she was belittling me more/ critical of my life.

She married into wealth, her husband disliked anyone who took her attention. Money became a measure of success. I didn't fit the brief.

They also has a history of cutting off people who didn't fit their lifestyle/disappointed them. I wasn't the 1st to be ghosted. It's amazing I lasted 15 yrs.

I miss the good times. I hope she can smile if she thinks about the giggles we had. I'm not bitter anymore (well occasionally!).

Yes there is always another side to it.
I ghosted a friend who I realised was being emotionally abusive, belittling , sneering and bizarrely copying everything I did.
I had therapy for another issue and realised what was going on and tried to distance myself but she chased even harder.

Left 36 phone messages in one day so I changed my number
She had a very traumatic childhood and that caused the issues
It's interesting as women are supported to leave abusive men but not friendships .
No doubt she said she had no idea why

I had a best friend all through secondary school, we stayed close after school as we started our careers, went on holidays together etc. one day in our 20's she just blanked me, stopped replying to my texts, wouldn't answer my calls and ignored me if she saw me out. I never knew what I'd done. Fast forward 10 years and she started working at my work, even then she would glare at me down the corridors if we ever passed each other. I'd love to know what I'd done.

I cut a friend out once

She was so intense, flaky and draining....i couldn't bear the thought of having a discussion with her so decided to keep away for a while and make excuses if she tried to meet up.

I didn't contact her and she didn't make contact with me either. Months went by and then suddenly texted to ask why I hadnt been in touch..I didnt know how to reply so i didn't

I've been the ghoster. And I don't regret it at all.

First friend didn't have one good word to say about her "best friends" and would relentlessly bitch about them, their lives, their clothes, things said in confidence etc to me and one day it occured to me that she was probably doing the same behind my back to them!

The second was a friend I had met through work, we ended up becoming very fast friends and I did adore him truly. He's a gay man so was all platonic and no romantic feelings. I quickly fell into the "fixer" role and would repeatedly solve all his problems, help him move when needed, listen to him at any hour of the day or night, moved in with me and actually apologized to him when overstepped my boundaries (!!) Then through lockdown I realised I was his go-to for advice for anything big or small, but that wasn't reciprocated. I went through huge trauma having DC and he just brushed over it, became very bitchy and snide. I felt beaten down by it. He was so lacking in self awareness it was exhausting and I always came out of it feeling like I was expected to give more.

Eventually I got sense and decided he didn't deserve anymore of my time so poof, I ghosted. The weight lifted. I blocked him on everything. He reached out to my family, my DH, my other friends for an explanation and he simply didn't get it because they all saw the situation for what it was. And I found out after that the reason he came looking for me was because again there was some calamity that desperately needed my assistance.

Ghosters aren't always awful people. Sometimes they're people who have literally reached their limit.

I think the ghosting thing happens because we don't know how to break up with friends, there's no 'rules' or established social etiquette for this.

I currently don't want any more social contact with a friend I've known for 30 years. Various life events and me getting older have made me realise some of the things we got up to in our hay day were very morally reprehensible, and that I wasted money and opportunities boozing and socialising that I simply didn't have, whereas they did. Meeting them brings it back and makes me unhappy and anxious, and also we gave nothing in common now anyway.

I don't want a big scene, I would just love to shake their hand , wish them well for the future and not lose contact completely but make it clear we aren't part of each others lives anymore.

I would imagine that sounds familiar to a few people!

I ghosted a friend who was awful frankly. We went on a weekend away and she was vile. Honestly I just ghosted her. I thought you're an intelligent woman behaving like you have surely you know why I've ghosted you. She was quite acidic and I didn't want to explain to be abused by her so byebye

A couple we're close friends with since college. They didn't stop talking to us but stopped including us and inviting us to things. We live 5 minutes away. It's happened slowly so wasn't very obvious. Our kids were very close and now they don't see each other either. I was very upset but am indifferent to them now. They knew what they were doing. Last straw was a close mutual friend visiting from overseas and staying with them. They never mentioned it and didn't invite us. Friend presumed we'd be there and texted us asking where we were... It was all very embarrassing and awkward.

I have no idea what to say to other friends. It's really damaged my confidence.

Yes - fairly recently, someone I also work with. They are having a relationship breakdown and apparently reinventing themselves along the way!

I have actually been the ghoster. Basically had a very dominant friend. Everything was about her. Within one year she cancelled plans on me 4 times as she her new boyfriend asked her to do things. Wasn't even small plans, thing I had bought tickets for that she never paid for. Then when I started seeing someone and declined plans she was very offended by it. She was very self involved, would talk endlessly to me about her life and what was going on, asked no questions about me and would change the subject when I brought anything up. Then would get annoyed with me when I didn't tell her things and stopped reaching out to her with problems.

She wasn't a good friend to me. Her company exhausted me. I would still keep in touch but everytime I did, I was berated for not doing it enough. So every time we did talk became a drama. I give up when I was trying to arrange a meeting and was very available apart from the one day she could do. She seemed offended by this at town but later that day I noticed she had deleted me on social media. So I stopped them was actually relieved.

She actually reached out recently to ask why I stopped speaking to her and I told her that she has different expectations from me for the friendship and I couldn't be bothered with any childish huffing like deleting on social media. Of course it was my fault, apparently there was nothing meant by her deleting me on social media, I was the one who overreacted to a completely normal thing. Reminded me of why I stopped contacting her in first place.

Im currently going low contact with a friend. Its hard because of our mutual friends - 2 separate groups who we have plans with in sept and oct. I want to ghost 1 whole group. Theyve cut me out slowly over the last 2 years but my main "friend" still likes to text me and tell me what the group are up to that im not invited to, sometimes she tells me before the event! We had a full group whatsapp and she openly tells me about the other group they have that just excludes me.
She is the loudest and one of the central people of the group. No one would criticise her. If i say anything she'll twist it all to make me look crazy. So low contact ghosting is the only way. People dont ghost you for no reason.

Interesting you say 'family' as well.

I've been ghosted by a friend whom I've known since infant school days...we're now in our early 50s so it's been a long friendship. She was bitching about a mutual school friend and I just had enough of her being horrible (when other friend hadn't done anything wrong at all) so i pulled her up on it and she didn't like it so dropped me too. Tbh, looking back, she was always so selfish, nights out were always on her terms, she'd be nasty about people and their achievements and I realised it was out of jealousy so I'm glad to have been ghosted.

But family... its a difficult one isn't it. Society tells us that because they're family, we should accept everything as 'fine'. But in all honesty, some members of my family I'd love to never see or speak to again because I'd never pick them as friends!

I gave up on a group of occasional meet-up old friends a few years ago. I had found it progressively more and more irritating being last in the priority list. It had been ok when I was single and I didn't mind putting in more effort than those with young kids, but then when I had DS it turned out that I was still expected to be the one making extra effort and plans changing to be unsuitable quite frequently. I particularly lost interest in 4 of them: contacting me to order me to send sympathy about a non-event when my dad was dying was the final straw. I kept up messages with 2 a bit longer, but when neither could make time to meet I just gave up; the covid break simplified it really.

I kept just one kind friend from the group, and I do feel bad she has been asked in standard tone-deaf style about "getting me out" a bit, but it doesn't affect our friendship usually and she always preferred meeting just us 2 anyway. To be honest, I think only 1 of them even realises I dropped them all, which in itself has been a lesson in hubris. Life is short and there are 8 billion souls in the world, there will always be more friends to make so it really isn't necessary to hang around with those who don't value you.

I’m at a point in my life now where I’ve been alive for almost half a century and I have spent years placating people. I have apologised to people (and some was only to make peace, it wasn’t how I truly felt). I have forgiven people without an apology from them, just to continue a relationship (friends and family). I don’t imagine this is a unique situation.

The next person who is freezing me out or ghosting me, good. I am too old now to chase after adults who choose not to communicate. So to those that ghost, be prepared for the other person to write you off.

It's happened to me a couple of times. A close friend years ago, we went to a festival, she ended up owing me a couple of hundred quid, and totally ghosted me when we got back.
I've also recently been ghosted by a whole group of friends (bar one) since my divorce. I think they didn't want to look like they were taking sides, as they don't see XH either.

Yes. It was very hurtful at the time. She did have mental health issues. A few years later I met some people that had known her before me and the same thing happened to them. I think she would get close to people and hit reset when they knew too much about her. TBH I'm terrible at staying in touch with people so most of my friendship die slowly of neglect. This situation was different. She stopped answering calls and messages, made excuses to leave if we bumped into each other.

Happened to me with a friend who I knew for a few years whilst our kids were young and in nursery together. We were good friends until she cancelled on me twice in a row and then stopped replying to messages. I decided she wasn’t worth it, and actually it made me reflect on our relationship and see her in a different light. It was totally her issue, not mine and actually I realised she had quite toxic behaviour with quite a few people in her life, and was quite relieved to be away from her drama.

Yes it's happening to me at the moment, we haven't seen each other for just over a year now, last spoke over text at Christmas and she's ignored me ever since. I'm sad about it, I thought we were closer than we obviously were, we had worked together for 12 years and had developed a friendship outside of work too, we'd both moved on to different jobs and kept in touch for years afterwards so to just be completely cut off I cannot understand.