Absent father seeking contact with child

CAFCASS would almost certainly become involved and take the wishes of the child.

But without safeguarding concerns I'd say it's almost definite that a court would order contract.
Not at the rate he's expecting. But certainly building up.

Ignore the message. He's not to know how may have changed your phone number. In fact I would change my phone number!

Ok so clear he is probably next going to ask if you can agree on a private agreement rather than cms ..I think you seem sensible enough to ignore that ..

i think there is a lot of misinformation on this thread.

He can apply for contact without PR . Courts honestly suggest any contact is better than none so yes he can get contact and possibly more than at the pace that is right for your Dc . So waiting till court may not be the best way either .

so if he keeps messaging you need to reply .

court will only enforce when you have to make child available and he will use that as evidence to reduce payment via cms .

5

@SerenityNowInsanityLater

How long did he not see your child for?

We don’t hand our children over to strangers. Sharing DNA doesn’t change that.

Ignore him. Not out of unkindness but, this needs to be approached with care. There is no relationship and therefore zero trust.
He needs to go to through the courts for contact.
You can then suggest contact in a contact centre (if you’re in agreement with contact happening in the first place). Your argument for this extremely reasonable approach will be to allow trust to develop in a safe and neutral environment.

This was my DS1’s experience.
Hes 22 now and talks to his dad every day. I consider his dad one of my dearest friends whom I love with all my heart because he eventually showed up and did right. It was super bumpy, disruptive, emotional, and one of the hardest times of my life when he came back into our son’s life. But I understood that his dad was approaching this with his best intentions. I was willing to get my boots muddy and fix what was broken as soon as I trusted him and his intentions. The contact centre was a really great and successful choice. It removed me from the scene (which prevented me from being controlling which was my default reaction) and allowed me to trust that my DS was safe. And they really formed a lasting bond.

It’s a very weird experience for kids to meet the parent they never knew. This isn’t about dad’s rights but the child’s needs. Take your time. Get as much free legal advice as possible. This doesn’t have to be a fight if dad is a reasonable person. You know best! Trust yourself! Do what is safest above all for your child. Not all kids should have contact with their parents (if that parent is harmful and unsafe).

It's nice he finally wants contact, and obviously you shouldn't deny him contact, but no way can he just waltz in after 9 years and "have her for a day or two"!!

As he is a complete stranger to your DD then he is going to have to get to know her first so that she can get used to him. I'd suggest some sort of contact centre, or perhaps a friend or family member of yours could supervise a 1 hour visit each week?

I'd tell him to take you to court. You don't know this man anymore and he is a stranger to your DC. He needs to demonstrate to a judge, who will ask some pretty hard questions, that coming into his child's life at this late stage would actually be beneficial to them as opposed to harmful. You should also take professional advice about what sort of contact would be suitable and I would have thought your DC's views would also be sought (CAFCASS? Independent social worker?). Him just walzing back in on his own terms and without any boundaries/reassurances could be very harmful and unsettling for your DC.

He's in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks whole day visits on his own with your DC or overnights would be in any way appropriate at the moment. He is not a trusted adult for your DC (his choice).

As you have never met <DS name> please let me know how you think it would be best to introduce yourself to him, and how you plan to answer any questions he may have about why you have not been a part of his life until now.

I also want to understand how you plan to build up your contact over time, so that he knows that you are serious about being a permanent part of his life. I am sure you are as keen as I am to make sure that <DS name> is comfortable with any changes, and that contact, including how often you see him, where and for how long, is in his best interests.

Then wait and see what he comes back with. If it's anything other than a decent and credible proposal then he can get stuffed and take you to court.

My ex buggared off when dd was 2. He contacted my dm when dd was 7. I told him he could wait until she was older enough.. Dd never asked about him until she was 20. She met up with him. She said he was still feckless and she dumped him!! Hasn't heard from him in about 8 years.. Suggest he arranges a contact centre and to let you know when and where...

It doesn't matter that he is paying cm, it doesn't matter if he has had contact previously or op has acknowledged that he is the father.

Currently ds only has one legal guardian, his mother/op and any contact is at her discretion.

If he wants legal contact arrangement he needs to established parental rights first.

Yes it would be easy enough to get his name on the birth certificate but it currently isn't the case and legally things stand as they do.

That doesn't matter. He currently, legally has no parental rights. If he e.g. took ds and refused to return then op could call the police because he isn't a legal guardian.

Of course if he chose to, the ex could get onto the BC easily enough, I'm not claiming otherwise but the situation is as it is and op should be aware that she is in control currently as ds's only legal parent.

PP is not correct, he would not need to have his name on the birth certificate before applying for contact. I do agree that this would need to be done at a pace to suit your child and not just hand over to someone who is a stranger to him. He could apply to go on the birth certificate and for parental responsibility if he wanted

My child has a father who has never met them.

never interested to even meet the child.

is suggesting he meets the child (age 9).

Based on these 3 things unless your Ex takes it to court I'd suggest to him that you're now willing to wait another 9 years then your DC will be 18 and can decide theirself if they want to meet their father.

So has he been contacted by CMS to investigate his maintenance payments and now be wants to see his child ?

He's not on the birth certificate but you have accepted and acknowledged he is the father by accepting maintenance off him, so, surely, there could be no disagreement he was the father if he wanted to push for anything.

I would never stand in the way of a child having contact with both parents - but it needs to be managed correctly and if he consistently let's his child down on contact after coming back, then i would try to distance it a bit.

Does his child ask about him (a dad) at any times ?

I would tell him you don't need his help. You've managed fine for 9 years.

If he wishes contact for the benefit of your child he can go to court and a proper plan can be put in place that centres on your child's best interest

Fuck no. He is a stranger to your child. I believe in these situations months of contact via writing is advised before any face to face meetings. As pp says if he really wants to step up let him go to court. He won't.

I wouldn't talk to your child about it .... Until there is a definite plan of engagement... otherwise it is creating insecurities that are not there otherwise..

I would either ignore or as for a proposal if how they plan to introduce themselves into their childs life and explain the 9yrs of ignoring and the expected consistency...

What benefit are they bringing to the child now??

Or I would just tell them to make an application through court..... Call his bluff
Lets see if they are actually committed to do anything...

What a surprise!

So sorry your child's father is so horrible.

Does your son have any interest in his sperm donor?

Oh, so he wants to reduce CMS payments by supposedly demonstrating hes an active parent? Argh, wanker.

Absolutely not. I am in a similar situation but my dc is coming up to 13. I have no idea what his 'father' is doing, where he is or if he even has family. He made the decision when I decided to keep my baby.

If he randomly decided to say he wanted contact, it would be on my terms. But I also wouldn't stop it from happening. It's my child I need to think about here.

I sometimes go from, "when dc is 18 they can then decide for themselves" to "well is it my place to stop a relationship forming if it is under my supervision etc." I'd have to really think about the pros and cons of the situation.

My dc father isn't a a drug addict, alcoholic or maybe even seen as a 'bad person.' In my eyes he is, of course but I mean from other people's perspective if they don't know he abandoned his child etc which I just know he probably keeps to himself.

It's a tricky situation and not all answers will work for you.

I think I'd talk to someone about, get people's ideas who are close to my child. If I did decide that he could have a relationship and my child was also happy to, I'd make sure it was on our terms though. Meeting at a public place altogether first for a short time and build on that.

Not a chance. You haven't seen this man in 9 years, you have no idea what he is like.

I'd respond by saying, IF he is serious, then you will ask the child if they would like to meet him, and then you AND the child will meet him together, preferably on his own.

This is not an opportunity for him to show off to his new girlfriend or his other children. It is a chance for your child to meet their father and be the sole focus of his attention.

After that, IF the child wants to continue the relationship, he can gradually build up time spent with the child. Otherwise, no.

Some men are bloody unbelievable.