To wonder why our value is defined by money?

I don't think most of us do value people based on how much money they've got.

During Covid, we weren't all standing on the doorstep clapping for millionaires.

I believe humans are hardwired to be divisive. Look at very young children (there was a programme that watched them playing - can’t remember the name). Even when they are in a fairly homogeneous group, they soon find differences which become reasons to subdivide and dislike other sub groups.

Adults are the same they just try to be a bit more sophisticated about it. But we still look for people who are different to us and separate ourselves from them and in that separation see ourselves as better than them.

Money is an easily identified difference as is appearance and in some ways religion. But it boils down to the same thing as not being friends with Stella because she smells of wee.

People are drawn together usually by shared experiences and interests.

It makes sense if you hobby is skiing in the swiss alps you are more likely to meet/make friends/have something in common with those who do the same, whereas if your hobby is the local scout group/community football etc you are more likely to make friends there.

If a shared interest is free then a friendship is possible. For example, my niece who is your average, NMW, council estate working class who left school with no qualification and also friendly, non judgmental, strong and generous (with her time), is friends with a multi-millionaire celebrity's wife (who also owns her own successful business) that she bumped into at her hairdressers a year or so ago and they just hit it off. Financially and intellectually they are poles apart. Their shared interests are dogs, similar aged dc and they enjoy similar (cheap!) activities with the dogs and dc (outdoors, parks, walks whatever the weather etc) and get on like a house on fire, text each other regularly and meet up once or twice a month. Money is not a factor in the relationship they have because the shared interests are free.

Of course there are some people, who I would think would be a minority, who value others/or feel intimidated by others purely based on their bank balance, those people are not worth the head space.

Do you maybe just see the bad in wealth though? I’ve definitely seen both, I’ve seen bullying by the ‘we’re better than you’ rich, but it doesn’t stand out as more than the ‘who do you think you are?’ crowd.

We weren’t rich, and in school most of us were middle with a few really really rich, but from a certain area people perceived as well off- I get regular smirks and comments, my first year in a job I had where we live now involved so many ‘you wouldn’t know anything about that’ about nearly anything everyday. I was called spoilt because I told them we went to the pantomime sometimes at Christmas, they assumed we went on foreign holidays (we didn’t), made jokes about how we never would have to worry about x or y, and when I said I once worked with horses the roll of eyes was nearly funny😅🙈

ps quoting one mn post about school mums is nothing- pretty big assumption to think that goes on everywhere

around here, "rich" kids go to private schools, "not so rich" kids go to state schools

They don't actually mix anyway

I'm really interested in this, although I realise it's slightly different to the OP.

I'm currently struggling in a job which I hate, but which brings in good money. I would not and never have judged people's worth on their money/income, I grew up in a low income family and have been there. However, I do find that I judge myself and my value on money. I'm petrified of going back to how I grew up and so I'm sticking in a job that I hate and makes me unwell because of that anxiety and fear. Is this some kind of internalised capitalism leading to golden handcuffs? I try to be kinder to myself, then read a pension thread and become convinced I'm behind or something.

Wealth certainly mattered in our school - if you could afford the right clothes , afford the right holidays

And I doubt that has changed

This isn’t my experience at all, although I’m older so it could have changed. The only thing that I have seen is that people can afford different hobbies etc. so meet people in the same income bracket there. I didn’t notice rich kids being popular in school or poorer kids being bullied. There were isolated kids and popular kids but wealth didn’t seem to be the issue. I don’t value people by their wealth. I have had a bit of a class issue with my northern accent occasionally with people underestimating my intelligence or even trying to take the piss. I just look at them with a blank expression.

The way you talk about poor people is like you are nearly afraid of them

FFS, what on earth are you on about? You are making a lot of stuff in your own head.

Abigail47

what's interesting is that you put me in the "rich" category. First I am not, and I am the "poor" person in many scenario 😂

It's disingenuous to pretend you behave the same way, or if you do, it's rude and very selfish.

To go with your example, why would you splash on the most expensive champagne which happens to be your favourite, in front of your friend who can only afford a soft drink? Who does that? The bar you chose in the first place will usually be based around the income anyway.

Of course if you have any manners and decency you behave differently with people.

my DH went to a jewish school and he had very wealthy friends even though he couldn't afford the bus fare. He had a friend who lived in a house with 7 bedrooms (in London) and the father collected old timer cars.

I find the same in synagogue, people from v wealthy backgrounds (who send their kids to private school) talk fairly easily with me even though I was a poor graduate living with my MIL to save up to buy a London flat at that time.

I think its because the community is fairly small so if you try to segregate by wealth again, then you wouldn't have many people to talk to! but at the same time, it can mean that poorer people spend a larger proportion of their income on things like housing/clothes. when we were buying our first flat, we had a low budget but DH insisted we could only live in a few expensive areas (even though he wasn't religious and didn't use those amenities) cos he felt only these areas were 'acceptable' and he isn't a snobby person, its just that he grew up near those areas and is familiar with these areas. It was lucky that the house prices fell so we could afford it.

Think its a bigger issue in the jewish communityu in the USA than in the UK though

People from other walks of life will hang around with anyone.
Bollocks. Some do, some don't. Reverse snobbery can be a thing. A friend of mine has it towards me since she has deemed my finances and social status to have changed.

I don't think it is snobbery though. It is, generally speaking, easier to socialise with people like you.

I am not rich, and I definitely find it easier to spend time with people at a similar income level. Our lives look similar, we do similar things with our free time etc.

That's not to say that I don't have friends from across society, I do. But I don't think that the poster that said the above was wrong, or being snobby.

Income matters less than wealth. Plenty of people on 100k won’t be able to keep up with others on similar because of housing costs. Of my friends who stayed in London (we are all Londoners) 95% of them including myself had help to get on the ladder. Significant help too.

it's easier to socialise with people of similar income, is what I actually said.

You might not like it, but it's easier to go on holiday with friends of similar income.

Going to a bar with a "poor friend" means you are mindful to try to pay as much as possible, not buying yourself expensive drinks and generally don't behave like a twat.

Going to a bar with a similar friend means you take turn without having to think about things.

It sounds like you feel excluded by "rich people" and you are bitter about it.

None of my friends value their worth by money. What is wealth? Someone who.lives an.uncomplicated life with basic needs fulfilled: food accommodation and emotional attachments is wealthy.

Capitalism. When I was a student, a tutors were talking about houses, and one mentioned a particular road of very expensive houses, and said, 'Yes, only the best people live there.'
I was too young and diffident to call him out on it, but I really wanted to ask him what he meant by 'the best people.'
I knew he meant the richest.
Wealth doesn't equate with having good qualities.

It’s also a class thing & within wealth there are different levels. A 60 yr old who had a decent job and through house price growth is living in a 1m house is not in the same league as say a 25 yr old lawyer on 6 figures in a 800k flat who comes from a family with money.

I do agree with you OP. Value is not or should not be measured by money. I have friends across different income levels and share different things with them all. People who boast about their money or stuff they own are not people I would choose as friends.

Rich people will only talk to other Rich people.

To feel rich. And I think They feel richer and superior, by excluding poor people.

You have a chip on your shoulder, what you say is simply not true, or not as a generalisation.

I don't discuss my income of the cost of my house, but it's pretty obvious where I live. It's ridiculous to expect me to hide half my life. I don't feel rich because I talk about my holidays, but it's nice to have a casual conversation or ask if a so-called expensive destination is great for kids.

What about the poor girl that's left out of a friendship then, because you said she can't afford the same things. Do you feel bad for leaving her out?

Couldn't you be friends with her anyway, and just do the more expensive things with the rich friend and do other things, like go for a walk in the park with the poorer friend? It's not all about money

Again, I didn't say you ignore her and refuse to talk to her
but unless you pay for everything, and that would create resentment, then you do leave her out whatever you do?

Can you pretend it's that great you know your friends are meeting for trips and activities and you can't join, because you can't afford it, and you are the "park friend"?

Don't twist my words, I never said you can only socialise with similar income people, but I am saying it's easier and natural to be with them.

Invite me for diner and serve a cheap omelette or a michelin-star diner professionally prepared, I don't care, I would enjoy both - but i won't discuss the same things around the table.