To find this H comment annoying

@Ginge88 how old are your dcs?

Hi OP
I have only just read all of your posts.

I want to say that it was like me reading about my own marriage. Even down to being shouted at and called a cunt in front of my child and the part about your body physically rejecting him during sex - the same thing happened to me multiple times.

I am you, only I am nearly fours years on. I moved out 3 and a half years ago.
I am happy. I have my own place. My own space, and reading this is reminding me of what I don’t have to put up with anymore (after having a tumultuous few months in other areas of my life)
We have our child 50/50. It’s been rocky but things have been very calm for about a year. We co-parent very effectively. My child is happy. It absolutely can work out. Once you have physically split, it will be rocky for a good while but just GREY ROCK as much as you can and your narcissistic STBXH will eventually give up and hopefully grow up. Good luck. I have zero regrets.

It also took me years to pluck up the courage to do it so I understand!

Oh blimey, I’d completely forgotten the point about being online and in the same house. Definitely tell him you’re not attending in advance.

Could you tell him you have already told him you won't be attending, and that that is still the case. So you have a paper trail to demonstrate his not taking no an an answer.
But for safety could someone be with you when you do so and could they be with you on Thursday evening too?

Have people realised that the counselling is ONLINE? So talking about 'turning up', is inappropriate, as presumably she'll be in the house anyway. For safety's sake OP, I think it might be wise to tell him you're not going to do it, and then make arrangements to be out that night, unless anyone has any better ideas, as you refusing to do it when he's already paid, might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so do please be VERY careful when you tell him you're not going to do it.

Thinking about it, relate themselves might be able to advise how best to handle it. Do you cancel or just leave it and let him show up. They must have dealt with this sort of situation before.

No this won’t work. Relate will immediately cancel the session as soon as they see that he is abusive as counselling with abusers for ANY reason, is dangerous

You attending will also signal to him that there's a part of you that does want to save the marriage....

I can understand that it’s a bad idea to go to therapy in an abusive relationship if you are staying in the relationship. I was wondering if it might be worth going to have the counsellor witness you calmly telling him it’s over. Just from the same school of thought of telling the police in advance of leaving. Or maybe you can just tell relate directly that you won’t be attending because the relationship is definitely over. I think seeking advice from a DV support organisation, or maybe your solicitor, would be a good idea. Definitely don’t sit in a counselling session with him, he’ll twist the truth and make it impossible for your view to be heard.

@Ginge88 Do not go to that appointment! It will signal to him that he still has relative control over you and that all he has to do is 'take charge' and you'll follow along like a good little wifey. Nothing you say at any counselling session will stick. He will only hear what he wants to hear because he booked it, despite you saying no and you turned up. All he will hear, is that he 'won'

Oh and yes, call Relate to let them know you won't attend and why (appointment made without your consent). If you think it's safe to do so, you could also reply to his message being clear you won't go and are cancelling the session. I mention this as it's my understanding that paper trails / message histories are generally a good idea if you face the prospect of a divorce where all sorts of shit might be slung at you. But if you think replying to him would be unsafe or make your life worse then of course no need to do so - your judgement is king on this.

Oh by the way, booking a Relate session without the consent of your partner is such a wildly disrespectful thing to do that in my opinion it marks a relationship as already doomed. The contempt for you, @Ginge88 !

Echoing previous reply: no do not go.

Disadvantages of attending:

• it shows him that when you say no to him, you don't mean it and he can force you to do what he wants through persistence and going behind your back
• it forces you to engage with him in a process designed to try to save your relationship when you do not want to save it
• it will give him a platform to be manipulative and try to make you feel sorry for him again. I recall you saying that he previously cried and made it impossible for your perspective to be heard, eliciting comfort from the counsellor and making you the 'bad guy'. He could do the same again.

Advantages of attending... none that I can think of? Having an audience for your perspective might sound like a tempting prospect that will help your decision to feel more official to you but I suspect it won't make any difference to how he sees the situation, and he might sabotage the session to such an extent that you don't get to say your piece.

Please don't allow him to think he can book something into your calendar without your agreement. If you let him do this to you, he will i'll continue to do it again and again.

It doesn't matter if you tell him it's over. if you attend, your actions will speak louder than your words and allow him to continue to believe his own narrative.

Ginge, Do NOT attend the counselling session. Abusers are not safe people to attend counseling with.

I don't know if this link will copy in, but here's a thorough explanation (essentially, abuse is not a relationship problem) : https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Can you call Relate to cancel and maybe explain to them that this is a abusive relationship?

Facing reality for most narcissistic types is not what we do. Reality is what they decree it is. They are not bound by our rules or boundaries. They decide what a truth is and everyone must believe it…they might state the polar opposite a few hours later, and that new truth is also to be accepted as reality by everyone.
It’s how they get caught in lies, because when they say something, it’s the truth to them and they don’t realise when they contradict themselves, because they believe everyone accepts their reality.

Looking so sad at me.
OMG the sad spaniel face gives me the rage! Is he dry begging?

www.reddit.com/r/AbuseInterrupted/comments/1g4kbxm/dry_begging_usually_involves_dropping_hints_or/?rdt=60767

Yeah, the cup of tea doesn’t mean the ‘little girl’ comment and the punishment over your trip didn’t happen. He’s trying to manipulate you in the most horrible ways. It’s too late - you’ve seen through the act. You’re a strong woman, OP. He isn’t going to break you - he’s just making himself look increasingly awful and validating your decision to divorce him! It’s not a happy marriage - it’s time he faced up to reality.

@Ginge88 my ex emptied the dishwasher for the first time in 25 years when I told him I was leaving...😂
Please keep up the momentum and leave.... he does not deserve anymore of your time...
I left three years ago and I am happy...single and at peace....

He sounds awful.

The very best of luck to you in the divorce, it sounds like you will need it.

You are absolutely incredible and strong. I've never met you but I'm proud of you. Keep going. One day, you will look back at this moment and thank yourself for doing this and getting out. It might be rough for a while, but it will be worth it. Short term sacrifice for long term gain. You've got this xx

I also,am rooting for you. I wish all the hope and love for you and your boys,you deserve it ❤️

I haven’t commented so far but I hope you know that there are a lot of people here who are with you and supporting you virtually. I’m one of them. I’m in a similar position although no kids at home. Do keep us updated when you can but please take strength from the collective support you have here.