To find this H comment annoying

Don't stress about the message! Getting the comment about shouting in makes it a good message because you should never go to counselling with an abusive partner.
He can't show that to anyone as evidence of you being unreasonable, because you were slightly too polite. To me it totally reads like someone acting placating towards an aggressive partner. So it works in your favour.

For the future, where you say I do not want to go to counseling so please cancel it,

• he doesn’t care what you want, so there’s no point writing that
• but you can choose what you do. You write ‘I will not go to counselling’
• where you wrote please cancel it, why? What’s it to you? He booked it, you’re not going. Up to him if he cancels it, this one is squarely not your problem. Drop the rope.

so you should have written: I will not go to counselling.

Its fine! You are fine! Don’t second guess yourself too much! Look at it this way: he finally heard you. His parting shot this morning means that he actually heard your refusal and he had to extend his deadline and go back on his (stupid) or else threat. How absurd he looks! And he knows it.

Just remember in the future that you have already pulled the trigger. You have expressed your red lines so always follow through with a consequence for his crossing it. Be ready to escalate your response—ie to him cursing you or threatening you. Just “leaving the room” may not be sufficient as he may use your response to manipulate you: ie he may start abusing you in order to get you to leave the room/lose face with the children/miss out on something.

Do not go back to JADE ing with him. No more JUSTIFYING, ARGUING,DEFENDING or EXPLAINING. Just be simple and direct as though you are dealing with a very stupid animal.

Follow through on whatever you have stated you will do.

Don’t feel pity or guilty. They are still making choices

He is not drunk. Only the answer he wants is acceptable. He fully expects her to do as he wants, to cave because he has had control for so long, These guys are god in their own universe, where everything is what they say it should be. The are not accountable, they have complete control and the right to maintain that control however they see fit. They are never wrong or in the wrong. They will play the victim.
Part of their brain is undeveloped..the part where empathy lives. I can’t remember the name but is the common denominator for these people..not just guys. Often during childhood, they were made to feel less than, and developed a coping mechanism of lying, hiding the shame they feel, pretending a persona that seems more acceptable. This results in this brain ‘damage’ ..not developing empathy, caring. Life is an act.
They cannot be helped, they cannot be ‘cured ‘. They have cognitive empathy..and responses..they learned from observing , how people react in certain situations, so they can pretend they are feeling emotions they don’t feel. Know what words to say, how to act. But it’s a mask hiding the cold person they really are. It always slips and when they take it off, often after the birth of a child, which, in their mind, means the mother is trapped with them, the behaviours are scary.

So he will keep on expecting her to cave in to his demands , which he will then manipulate in his favour. He really does not expect to have to move out.

Your message is fine and very clear.

Unfortunately, I doubt he will take this on board as he doesn't have his kids' best interests at heart. His desire to punish and humiliate you is greater than his love for his children. He is a small, petty but dangerous man.

Sounds good to me!

Don't reply to him at all. You have given him your answer. You are not attending counselling. He is trying to g to take back control again. Just do nothing.

Is he drunk? You already gave him your answer

There are a couple of fabulous historic threads from women going through what you are. This one sticks out and I’ve linked to the final one with the happy ending but there is a full story recap and links to the very beginning.

Will It Happen…

also search for @Stuckinpollyannamode for her story of navigating a difficult H through divorce. What eventually turns into the Polly and her Dollies threads.

both highly inspiring and follows through in real time the journey from hell to Hope. Spoiler - they both have happy endings.

they may help gain some comfort in knowing you are not alone. Good luck.

Or his ‘house bot’ is malfunctioning ….

Honestly it’s completely delusional behaviour isn’t it? I’m divorcing one of these as well. It’s like the dog has suddenly started talking to them or something, I can imagine them shaking their head and thinking ‘no I can’t have heard that’. Once you see it and you are a bit past the hurt it actually becomes amusing to watch, look forward to that day OP. Sending hugs xx 💖

Well done on telling him that your marriage is over. You are really brave.

I'm not surprised that he thinks that you won't be able to manage without him! He is a deluded, inadequate narcissist with a pathological lack of self awareness.

I don't think that he sees your DC as people, but as extensions of himself and weapons to punish you with. In some ways it would be better for you and your children if he left you to look after the kids all by yourself without his toxic influence.

Well done, now stick to your guns - cancel the appointment or contact Relate, state you're in an abusive relationship and have no desire to attend counselling as you wish to end the relationship.

Tune out his pointless noise, because that is all it is. Only communicate necessary stuff and anything properly important, do it in writing in some way.

Well done, OP! I promise once he's gone, you'll feel like a weight's been lifted

It doesn't matter where it is! You still have to 'turn up' and OP has the choice to not engage!

If he is a true narcissist, one of the ‘masks’ he will wear will be “I am a great Dad”
He will want everyone to feel sorry for him, so he will make a show of how brave he is battling through a separation/divorce and still parenting his kids. The upshot being, he will be acting the part of ‘good dad’ so well that he will actually become it. Does that make sense? He will want people to think he is the reasonable one and will go to great lengths to prove that - so much so that he actually becomes it. There is hope.

You may have a long road ahead, but you will breathe a sigh of relief once he has gone. Then you can get on with the business of putting yourself back together. Your future is bright simply because you will be the one controlling it. Have faith in yourself. You’re giving future you the best present of all by ending this marriage. The peace you will feel by the end of it all will be so worth it, I promise.

Well done on telling him you aren’t doing the counselling!

Well done, Ginge, you absolute queen! Superb response. I hope he's serious and moves out within the week.

Brilliant! Well done @Ginge88 !

I bet he’s panicking that his usual bullying tactics aren’t working. Stay strong and hold your ground.

Well done. Stay firm. 🤞he means it and moves out. Have you started the ball rolling on the legal side yet?

Good going! Very good holding your own and choosing option 2!! I am so proud of you!! And it payed off as no amount of arguing or negotiating would have. Don’t worry about how he is going to parent in the future. That is his problem to solve. Right now he sees parenting as a bargaining chip—and the children too. They are just tools to manipulate you. Take away his power by refusing to engage over parenting issues. If he doesn’t want to take time with his children or pay for his children be because he has moved out: let him. Pursue CMS and all your children’s statutory rights for their sakes but otherwise ignore him

Good for you and yes, he’s weaponising the children. Hopeful he does go. One advantage to his personality is that he will think it’s your loss. He will expect you to beg him to stay or come back. Equally, he will try and hoover you if he does go, at some point. They are twisted a **holes . It’s about control . Don’t react to the child thing. He will do the opposite of what he thinks you want, so just be neutral , say nowt.