To find this H comment annoying

I’m sending you some Easter hugs OP. X

Thinking of you this long weekend and hope you’re coping, OP.

I do get the point. I said counselling would not work for either path, just to cover all bases.
It will not facilitate making arrangements.
The counsellor can do nothing. It does no good to take someone like him to counselling. They have no empathy. It’s all about them.
He said he had somewhere and would be gone in a week. He is still there. He has no intention of letting her go or leaving. No counsellor will change that. If he even agrees to go …which he might as it’s another opportunity to play the victim and manipulate the situation for himself.
And afterwards? She is alone with him in the car. In the house. And he will turn nasty once he sees there is no backtracking on her side. She needs help, but it’s not a counsellor. She needs to find somewhere safe to go.
When they know their victim is actually leaving is when abusive partners are at their most dangerous.

It is not advised to have couples counselling when one partner is abusive. It doesn't help the non-abusive partner; it just gives the abusive one more insight and ways to be abusive.

The OP could get support and empowerment from counselling on her own, if she wished to

I don't think you have got the point of why I think couples counselling could help; it's not about reasoning with this man or trying to fix the relationship, but about empowering and supporting OP to make the necessary arrangements as safely as possible.

He knows all that. He doesn’t care.

He won’t pay any more attention with another person there.
It would be a waste of money and when they leave because she has to go back home with him, he will not be someone she wants to be next to in the car or alone with back home.

He is already aware he is living with her against her will. Separate rooms, he said he was going but didn’t, after she told him she wanted a divorce. He will make things as awkward as he possibly can. Personally, I think she should leave, when he not aware she is going, but the lawyer said not to.
If she pushes too far, she could be in physical danger. He has already demonstrated his contempt for her on numerous occasions, Reason does not work. He wants control.

He may well behave like that, but OP would have the support of someone sitting there listening to him with her and helping her say how she is being affected by his lies, and that she no longer trusts him. And that she wants him to move out. A therapist wouldn't let him get away with going quiet or changing the subject. 'Your wife says she wants you to move out. How are you going to respond to that? Are you planning to continue living with her against her will?' etc.
At the moment, as OP says herself, it's stalemate.

You cannot go to couples counselling with this guy. He will lie. He will play the victim. He will gaslight, project and generally make the whole thing a waste of time. He is not interested in hearing what he has done, how he makes her feel, what can change to make things better. Or accepting that things went too far and there is no way back. He has no interest in making anything easy.
He is a misogynist.
He abuses on purpose. He wants to erode her self esteem. He wants to keep her where he can abuse her emotionally and verbally. He will not want to separate or he would have gone to the fictional place he claimed to have found. Getting rid is like trying to get out of quicksand..but counselling is never ever going to change anything for the better. ..

There is something to salvage - you and the kids.
If DH will agree to couples counselling you will have support in explaining to him that his behaviour has gone way too far and that you can't see a way of being happy with him ever again; therefore you need to split, and to do it in the least painful way possible. If he can keep his focus on making things as easy as possible for the children, there's a chance you can get there.

It’s good to hear you’re okay. I was hesitant to ask, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I hope you’re able to get him out of the house soon, you must be exhausted holding everything together.

How are things?
thinking of you

He is in retreat/regroup at the moment. Its just a phase. The reality is that he smashed the marriage and it can’t be put back together. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, OP! You have got this.

He is temporarily acting ok so that he can say he never does anything wrong, when you have the leaving discussion. I agree talk to police and women's aid, OP. You're on a long journey but it is absolutely worth it in the end.

Expect a massive mental health crisis and pitiful threats to self harm.

He will be desperately trying to get you back in line.

Please talk to the police an Women's aid.
This is a dangerous man and they are never more dangerous than when running out of rope.

Start telling people the relationship is over.
Stress his abuse of both you and the children.
You can do this.

I suspect he’s getting ready to paint you as the villain. Be careful.

Hi OP. So he backed down and didn't make you go? That's good, he realises you are serious, finally.

I agree with pp that your message was good, OP. I think your instincts are right and you just need to believe in yourself.

A good rule if thumb for messages going forward is:

1. hold them for 12-4 hours. [you are going to feel a lot of tension rising as you Have been trained to try to bring closure to difficult situations. This is the “tension rising” phase of the abuse cycle.But you can retrain yourself. Just distract yourself. Make a plan to ignore his demands and execute your plan. Your tension will plateau and come down. Observe yourself and your emotions from a distance. This will give you more control. The more you have the less he has.]

2. Write out your response and then, as others have said upthread, remove vague wiggle words or explanations (thats the JADE). Don’t ask for his understanding or plead for empathy or make vague statements about the harm he is doing to you or the children. Its like writing to a thief

“I am sorry to tell you that I would prefer you not enter my house and steal the precious necklace, all I have left of my dear mother, which I have hidden in an unlocked drawer by my bed. I know that you would never want to mistakenly violate my boundaries by taking it.”

All he sees is “the precious necklace…is in the unlocked drawer…take it.”

I hope you are OK op. My exh fumed for years I had left him. How dare I!? Ds about 10 told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved them. He was a terrible df but psychologically... I found out he used to hit them until he became too unwell to get upstairs...

Hope you are ok OP...

Excellent message. He is abusing your children.
Nothing wrong with you texting that.

Don’t stress too much about getting the message exactly right. You have now, in a written message, stated very clearly that you will not go to counselling. I really think you need to get on with the divorce. He’s obviously going to make it as difficult as he possibly can, but the longer you wait the longer he has to think of more ways to be awful. If you let him he’ll be back and forth with promises of being reasonable just to string you along.

I would keep any messages as you may need to show a solicitor