To find this H comment annoying

He was always going to fool a therapist. That’s why many of us warned against it but it’s easy to agree when they do the crocodile tears. He knows what buttons to press for sympathy and guilt. He is only desperate for control. You will get there and you should come on here to vent, or write things down because it helps clarify and line up the thoughts in your mind, which will probably whirl at times. Maybe you could see the therapist on your own , just once, to say your piece. I would. I’d tell her she is being fooled by a master manipulator and she should get another job if she can’t see that.
There is no point saying anything while he is present. It’s his stage and if he thought for a moment that he could not control the narrative, he would not have suggested it, or gone along.
You will get there. Keep thinking positive thoughts and if he starts the manipulations, think of other things and don’t listen to him. Just say something bland, pretend some task needs doing and walk away. Everything he says is a lie. I’ve never understood why they want us so badly when they hate us so much..power I guess is stronger

Keep posting! You are not alone!

Don’t feel bad, OP, these things take time.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I've only just come across your thread and my goodness you're going through it. You're a strong lady and a wonderful mum so please don't doubt that.

He's what my father in law would call a street angel and house devil, my mother is the same. I've been told countless times how lucky I am to have a mother like her, but they have no idea of the abuse that has gone on all through my life.

He's been gaslighting you for the entirety of this thread and no doubt long before. Last year he was clearly pushing you for a reaction as any attention is good attention to people like him, even if it's negative.

Perhaps the final straw just hasn't happened for you yet and that's ok. It's a huge change and full of unknowns. The question is, is the unknown future likely to be worse than the life you and your boys are living just now? I don't know, what was your first thought when you read that question? That might be a clue.

Please don't stop posting, writing things down can really help to clarify thoughts.

Op, you have your therapist right there. Interrupt, and read out the note. And say I was soothing a crying child, what’s that worth to you in dollars and cents? Zero I guess since you’ve never bothered.

Never ever go to therapy with an abusive man. Ever. They will just use it as another opportunity to abuse you in some way. By all means go to your own session but ever with them.

I am a therapist—please speak directly to the therapist and tell her “My husband is abusing me privately and through this therapy. I will no longer participate and it is not appropriate for you to hold us both in therapy now that I have informed you.” Email her or soeak to her privately and tell her to find a way if ending the sessions without putting you at risk.

Just end it. We are not to give couples counseling to patients who are in an abusive relationship. I review this rule with my couples when we start. I let them know that ordinary rules of confidentiality don’t apply in situations where one of the couple is at risk. And I also state that I reserve the right to terminate the therapy or convert it to individual counseling if I feel that is safer for one party.

JFC, he's like the teacher's pet, bullying the other pupils when the teacher's back is turned and can't see what he is doing.

Write everything down about your DH's behaviour and the therapist's response. You may have grounds for a complaint if she unquestioningly accepts his version of events.

Definitely make a note of him passing you nasty notes during therapy.
Fxxker.
Stay strong.
We are hear for you and welcome the day that you will be free of him.

I hope he dies screaming😁

First of all Ginge, please don't be ashamed of the time it's taking, in some cases it can be better to take time, in as much as by the time you do eventually make the move, you will be TOTALLY convinced that it's the right thing to do.

With regard to the therapy, I would send the Counsellor an email telling her that you are no longer going to attend, and why, ie, that he's pulling the wool over her eyes, and what she's doing is basically encouraging his behaviour.

Finally, and I don't know how this might pan out, but what would happen if you left with the boys, and stopped paying the mortgage, and bills on the current home, in order to rent a different house? Would/could he pay when he started receiving reminders from the bank, as of course if the house and mortgage are in joint names, he is equally liable? My only concern is whether this could damage your credit rating, but it might be worth giving some thought to, as it's natural your first thought, when you've been used to paying for everything, would be, 'I can't do that', but why can't you? You might even only have to rent an AirBnB for a few weeks, before he sees sense and moves out, because he can't/doesn't want to pay the bills on the current home, just for him to live in. Of course this idea might be totally crazy, but I just thought it might be worth exploring, and who knows, it might even break the impasse that you're at at the moment. Sending you hugs, and lots of support OP. Keep going, you CAN do this!!

Ugh what an absolute fucking loser @Ginge88

The fact that he passed it to you as a note rather than just making a comment in front of the therapist means that he knows it’s not on. What a bell end.

Have you told people about what he’s like? I was surprised by how many people (including his own friends and especially their wives) were unsurprised when they learnt what he was like and v supportive of me.

I hope you are keeping a diary to record all of these incidents? They might be small on their own but they form a pattern of behaviour.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - he’s a master of manipulation & hateful to boot. Hang in there & you will find a way, no matter how long it takes.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are just trying to get through every day.
That is all you can do.
Continue your planning.
Are you paying for therapy?
If so, can you just stop?

It’s a nasty and belittling thing to say. He’s trying to put you down, make you question yourself, make you feel small. He clearly has zero respect for you. I wouldn’t stay in a set up like this.

It takes time Ginge, you will get there. Please don't beat yourself up. Just keep your eye on the prize and fake all the smiles you need to. When the opportunity to strike presents itself you will know. We are with you and here for you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband is a master of manipulation who will sink to previously unplumbed depths in his attempts to play the victim, even to the extent of having a public breakdown at work. I can just imagine his smirk as everyone is taken in and showering him with sympathy.

Your therapist is dreadful, completely biased and allowing a covert narcissist to pull the wool over her eyes. She should be struck off. Please stop the joint therapy immediately and find your own therapist with the specific brief of how to leave your abusive husband and minimise the amount of damage that he will try and inflict on you and your children.

Oh god @Ginge88 this is so familiar to me, exactly how it played out for me although thank fuck I didn’t go to therapy with him. He went though, and weaponised the therapy speak against me, said I had emotional issues because I didn’t talk to him about my dad’s terminal cancer and that I was avoidant 🫤

Also had a “breakdown” and was never going to move out until I suggested nesting and found, leased and fully furnished a house. I had to literally carry the dining table in on my own bc he literally would not lift a finger to help. After 6 months of “nesting” he started dating and got sick of doing childcare and decamped there permanently. Would that be an avenue for you?

Dont beat yourself up about lack of progress. I stayed for 7 years after he gave me a black eye 😵‍💫 I look back and I don’t recognise the woman I was in that relationship, and I was in it from age 20 - 41.

I so hope so.
Would love to know she is doing ok.
He's such a horror.

There was a thread a few weeks ago from someone saying they’d name changed to avoid outing themselves, but they’d just filed for divorce having previously discussed the situation on here. I don’t know for sure, but maybe it was something in the writing style that made me think it was her. I hope so.

How are you getting on, @Ginge88? x

What happened to the place he was moving to? You need to divorce asap or he'll string this out forever.

Really wishing you well and hope you are moving forward.