To find this H comment annoying

I think this is more likely to happen if you stay, and they see him treating you with contempt and you putting up with it, as ifvthats what you should be doing. The only problem may he that as you are the one working whether he'd have a case for residency. He can be a great dad and be there for the kids but not have you as a punchbag, and your sons will see that there is a consequence to treating people like shit

Make sure your recordings are backed up & somewhere safe - a flash drive in your work locker?
Pick out the choicest bits of him ranting and swearing at you, play them back in the next counselling session if you choose to attend another one.

I can't believe how long you left it to move into the spare room - watching anything at 3am, let alone Russel Brand conspiracy theories - quite apart from how disrespectfully he treats you.

Hope he finally goes soon.

A relationship therapist is biased towards keeping the relationship going—the relationship is the client. Not the individuals. It is not easy to call out/attack/or rein in one party and usually the most emotionally underdeveloped of the two gets the most coddling because they are the most likely to blow up the therapy.

I am not excusing the therapist. But I don’t think Ginge should waste precious time or energy on the therapist. Just end it cordially and with a fake smile via email.

”Dear Dr X,
Thank you for the sessions. They were most clarifying. I do not plan to attend further sessions with you or your organization. For your information I was pressured to attend, Rudolph is extremely abusive to me outside of the sessions, and I did not feel safe or listened to inside the therapy. I understand that it is not best practice to attend couples therapy with an abusive partner so I am withdrawing from this therapy. Best, ginge.

You do need to submit a complaint about the therapist if you feel up to it.

She is in no way impartial and has been completely taken in by your manipulative husband. It almost seems as though she has developed feelings for him which is quite scary. You should stop attending these sessions with immediate effect and find your own therapist.

“ I shout because you make me feel unsafe “
Projecting. He knows he makes you feel unsafe. Or intends to.

I agree with the poster saying the longer the children witness this, the more it will affect how they treat partners and skew their view of what is normal . This isn’t just about the OP. It’s about the children too. Of course he is good to them..they are his disciples. He’s going to train them to be his. You need to get them away. The coercive control is one of your weapons to turn on him. The law recognises it now.

I would consider having some therapy lined up for your dc. My ex managed to have our oldest ds parrot fashion his mantras. Haven't seen him since he was 16 sadly. Now 25....
Small win was exh died alone at home while our dc gamed in their bedrooms at his house.. Horrific they found him but he wasn't holding court over a ward of staff like he had always imagined...
We went to Relate.. Where a mna wearing sandals and socks told me I had hang ups about sex... No mate I just didn't want to be raped again so slept in another room.

You can't argue with a narcissist.. And you sadly can't co parent with a cunt either. Look into apps that work for divorced dps...

If he is behaving like this in front of you sons, you need to get out before he nutures them into misogynistic little twats as well.

Since when do I 'keep recommending' anything to 'vulnerable people'? I raised it as a possible course of action because it can - sometimes - help in ways that I've already explained.
I imagine that like me you are an experienced therapist, and can only say that our experience and possibly trainings disagree on this point. I'm not going to reply to any future posts about this because they are distracting from the OP's thread.

That being said, ginge, please find a therapist or keep posting here for validation and support. It is not easy to break free from a man like this. In the UK there is more awareness of, and support for, coercive control by men over female partners. Please start looking into help from outsiders to recognize the mental games he is playing and to free yourself from his control. None of what you describe should happen in a good relationship—none of it should happen to YOU! You and your children deserve serenity and happiness. Please keep fighting to leave safely.

It is never advisable and it is not advised to do couples counseling where there is suspected abuse. The counseling sessions do not have the weight or power to alter the at home situation. An abuser, sociopath, or narcissistic person will easily exploit the therapist and the situation—even if it is explicitly mediation for separation or divorce.

An abusive person can not be educated or constrained by the therapist or the therapy.

Please stop recommending this to vulnerable people. It is explicitly forbidden to therapists for very good reason.

Anyway, pros and cons of counselling aside, it does feel as if you’ve come a long way already, Ginge. There was a time you weren’t even sure your feelings about his treatment of you were justified. Probably also a time when having a separate bedroom would have felt like a major win. I suspect small changes are happening inside you all the time. If and when the limit of this relationship is reached, you’ll be meeting it as a different person from who you were a year ago or two years ago.

He's trying to drag you down because of his shit self esteem. Leave him you can't live like that

I don't think that couples counselling with an abuser is EVER worth chancing.

So many are manipulative house terrorists that can turn on the charm very easily.

My father was one.
Two totally different people.

For every excellent, qualified, therapist, counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist out there, there are many that are very poor at their jobs.

IMO not worth taking the chance of your abuser, further abusing you via one of the above.

Sorry, I was irritated by your response and snapped back. Couples counselling with an abuser can go wrong in the way you describe. But it just might help if the therapist gets the measure of both partners. It can help the abused partner to find a voice. I would say it’s worth trying if s person who needs to leave can’t find another way of leaving.

Please don’t patronise me. I have seen at first hand cases where the couples counsellor has stopped the therapy saying that the only solution is breaking up and the abusive partner needs psychiatric treatment. It can be very validating. Obviously it’s not a golden bullet.

Are you putting your side of things in the sessions OP? You being at the end of your tether and needing to leave is part of the picture. You have every right to say that.

It's really important that advice is never given for women in abusive relationships to attend counselling with the man in question. Really important. Please don't try to justify your advice and be defensive.

What a nasty comment.
I can’t guarantee how couples counselling turns out. I can only say that it can support an abused partner to leave if necessary. Which is true.

I'm amazed and utterly disgusted in this day and age, with all that is known about the risks of couples' counselling when one of the partners is abusive, that @Ginge88 therapist, being paid for by the abuser, just sat there nodding while this vile man was operating in plain sight. It sounds like the therapist completely incompetent and potentially in breach of regulations governing therapy.

OP Have you talked with Womens Aid or a solicitor about coercive control? That’s what he is using in you and it’s illegal. You might be able to get him out of the house the next time he tries any of this tears and drama. Call the police that he is trying to force you to do something …

Well, you got your wish and see how that’s turned out ..I hope you remember the next time you advise someone to go with their abuser.

Keep posting @Ginge88
people like him will just use therapy to abuse and control you, so you do need to stop or explain the situation to the therapist 121.

the breakdown of my marriage was kind of similar and it was very hard to keep trusting my gut, but I’m glad I did. I did end up leaving the family home for my sanity, which hit me financially but worked for me at the time. He was never going to leave.

if you have someone good enough, I used to call my sister every time (ex)H messaged or emailed me with his controlling shit as my first response was usually to panic and give in. I needed a lot of scaffolding around me to go ‘grey rock’ but once I got in the swing of it it helped massively. I understood I needed to be the villain to him. I also stayed to keep my boys secure and manage their lives but it’s been so much better since divorcing, though I did have to just accept that they would have their time with him and I couldn’t control what happened then.

I’m glad to hear from you OP, even if it’s not the news we were hoping for, it’s just good to know you’re okay. Did you tell the therapist about the note? He’s an awful human being and I’m so sorry you’re stuck in this situation. I hope you find a good solicitor who can help you get away from him.

Oh and you can refuse to go back or engage in more ‘therapy’ . If you do, don’t change your mind this time. He won a victory talking you round after you refused several times. Now he knows or believes you will cave to anything if he pushes hard enough and pretends to cry. And he can get outsiders on his side. He’s empowered again.