To find this H comment annoying

All of this
You cannot fix this marriage. You’ve tried counselling etc and it is a lost cause.
Leave and make the most of this short life we all have

I don’t envy you your choice and understand it’s usually not as simple as LTB.

I think you need to not do a)

You need b) and if it doesn’t then seriously contemplate c).

If you choose a) your children will grow up thinking this is how relationships should look, and it’s setting the bar for their treatment of you, and future partners and quite possibly women generally.

‘And that’s the 978th time you’ve been a twat.’

That’s despicable. My ex used have a similar one of “Are you going out like that?”, or “I thought you’d want to get changed.”

He did it because he is a terrible person, and see me hurt and belittled was amusing for him.
As I say, he’s only an ex.

This is a low quality man. He is not fixable because this is who he is. He is just nasty. If my husband had ever spoken to me like that I imagine my ILs would have been pulling him up then and there or would be having a talk with him about it later. You MIL is probably used to it because your husband's dad was probably just like him.

You sound really worn down. That is part of his purpose. The makeup comment is very telling. He wants to undermine your confidence so you dont leave. The weeping at the counselling meeting was to make you feel bad so he didnt to address his sad little passive aggressive behaviour. Yes, you can rationalise staying with him for the boys but anybody who was not worn down would realise that having your children see how their father treats their mother is not doing them any favours.

Life is shorter than you think. Time goes very fast. Don't waste your life with this man who is plain nasty and makes you unhappy. I imagine as your sons become more accomplished or do well he will eventually do the same sort of thing to them. Yes being a single parent can be hard but surely getting away from this resentful insecure man and his dreadful mother would be worth it. I imagine giving up the awful sex will be no loss. You already organise everything now.

Forget the snappy comebacks. You don't need to buy into his way of behaving. Get yourself to a solicitor for legal advice as a first step.

Man's a cunt

You obviously want to save your marriage. Or at least give it your best try. I think you need to try counselling again, but I think you need to think about going individually as well as jointly. He is obviously deeply insecure, and he is lashing out at you - which to be fair, is something most of us do to the person we trust the most, but this is damaging you and your marriage and you both need to acknowledge that and be prepared to resolve it in positive ways. If he can’t do this then you need to protect yourself and the way you want your boys to be raised.

Completely agree. It's the minimum an adult should be doing.

Playing with his own children and cooking dinner is what he's supposed to do, it's not an extra bonus. Putting out the bins, is that it? These are his only good qualities?

I’m really sorry, OP. I would hate that too. For me it would be not so much the comments, shit as they are, but feeling that the person who is supposed to love you and be on your side is actually trying to make you feel small and crap. As you say it almost certainly comes from insecurity, he wants to bring you down, but I would not want to be with someone who felt like that about me - whatever the reason is. If you think there is a chance of him changing and addressing the root causes of his resentment of you, you could try counselling again, but other than that, I think you’re left with staying and putting up with really crap behaviour or leaving and negotiating potential difficulties around the separation and your kids. None of that is easy, it’s worth maybe getting some support of your own to think through your options in more depth, but you are not wrong to feel as you do. Next time he does it, I’d be tempted to look him in the eyes and tell him you are aware he would like you to feel negatively about yourself, that isn’t going to happen because you know your worth, and you are sorry that he feels this way, to you it isn’t compatible with the loving partnership you’d like to have with him. It probably won’t have any effect on him, but it will help to remind you that you are not diminished by criticism from a very fragile little man.

Op you are married to an absolute c*nt. Is there anyway you can leave him? If so please do it. I think you need to start being more aggressive in your responses. Tell him you will not tolerate this shit any longer and the next time he does it will be the last time (and mean it!).

It's worrying that you don't feel you can do better than being with him. Surely being single would be preferable

He sounds truly vile.
An odious little oik, shit in bed, crying his eyes out in counselling to manipulate the therapist.🤢
What a truly foul example of manhood for your boys.
He is emotionally abusing you, and your children if they witness it.
Stop having sex with him for goodness sake OP.

You don't want your boys growing up in a house full of conflict, so you keep the peace and don't make a fuss. And, instead, your boys grow up learning that women can be spoken down to and treated like shit with no consequences.

Seriously, OP, don't make light of this. It's really bad.

I feel like I'm recommending this book all too often but it just goes to show how common abusive men are -

Why does he do that?

Please read it OP.

There is a good chance your boys will turn into him, whether you stay or go. If you stay, you're showing them that this is what relationships are like and this is how we treat mum/women. If you go, you at least have control 50%of the time.

It sounds like you want to try to salvage your marriage if possible. If so, I’d avoid the (albeit tempting) option of mocking his sexual prowess in a reciprocal way- there’s no way back from that, given that his insecurities seem to lie at the heart of his attempts to bring you down.

The suggestions about talking to him rationally are sensible, but given your previous attempts have been shut down by the ‘only joking’ response, there’s little point in repeating yourself.

You need to be totally hard-faced in your reactions- you becoming upset is exactly what he is aiming for . He is aiming to bring down your confidence, as he cannot handle you being capable, a high earner, and attractive.

I’d probably try a stone-faced, factual response every time- repetition of the same response from you might drive home how often he’s doing it. Maybe something like ‘Your unfunny, boring criticisms are destroying our marriage’.

Look how it’s got you though?? Now everything is being downplayed or it’s not happening as often! I get the fear and the unknown and if you’d rather stay and let your dc hear this and see this behaviour that’s up to you but trust me, better things and a better life is out there by not putting up with this behaviour. Sometimes you have to grasp life and the opportunities it throws your way. You may be sad for a little while but the relief you all will feel will far outweigh any sadness

Get out now before your boys turn into him.

@Ginge88 just on this, this is exactly what your reality will be. My dad did the same thing and I'm ashamed to say my mum became the butt of all jokes and also took the blame for absolutely everything in our house once teenage years hit. For everything. Even my dad forgetting his blood pressure medication was my mum's fault.

I love my mum dearly and treat her nicely now, but I was following my dad's example. I don't know why she stuck around tbh.

It's not a "joke". He's undermining and mocking you and gaslighting you into believing its acceptable. It isn't!

You need to sit him down and say, 'I am utterly sick of the way you speak to me. The contempt is unreal. It's clear that you are insecure about the way I earn more, cope better and do everything, but I'm not your whipping boy, Jack - and ONE MORE SNIDE COMMENT and I will be seeing a solicitor and filing for divorce.

I don't make unpleasant comments to you - about your lack of ability in bed, as a breadwinner or as a decent husband. If you can't pull yourself together and grow up then you'll be living alone. You are setting an appalling example for our children and I am not having it any longer.'

Then walk away and mean it. The next comment simply say, 'That's it - I'm done' to him. And file for divorce. You can console yourself with the fact that he's a twat who did it to himself, despite the warnings if he cried.

He's trying to make you feel insecure and destroy your confidence so you will be less likely to leave him.

Leave him. He won't change. He sounds utterly horrible I can't imagine living with someone like that.