To find this H comment annoying

Each and every time he demeans you I'd ask him quietly 'Does it make you feel better to put me down? Is that what you need to feel better about yourself?'

And I'd be getting everything sorted to leave him.

You don't want your children growing up thinking it's ok to mock their mum or that bringing others down builds they own self worth.

Your H sounds cruel, insecure and unwilling to address his behaviour.

Yes, I think is the case. Massive and pathetic insecurity and his mother encourages it.

Yes, this is exactly what I would have done too. I would have tried to stay calm and be Very cold in my response - there is no way I’m going out with someone who behaves like this. You can forget that.

You really need to get tough now. He needs to learn pretty quickly that his comments have consequences.

Op, in over 27 years of marriage, I have never once, not ever, wondered if my husband would have a derogatory remark for something I've said or done, nor has he ever spoken to me the way your husband speaks to you. Literally not one single time. I genuinely don't think you fully appreciate, even after everything you've been told in this thread, just how abusive and horrendous his treatment of you is. It is fucking appalling, and it is incomprehensible why you put up with it. You don't need him, and your children certainly don't need his example. What a dreadful way to spend the rest of your life, with a man who doesn't even like you.

I’d say “why don’t you fucking grow up you moron”

He's a horrible person AND he's bad in bed?? I'm hoping I'm going to RTFT and discover you're making plans to leave.

Sorry if this has already been said but it sounds to me as if he is threatened by you being the main earner and the organised one so is constantly trying to belittle you

Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.
— Bonnie Burstoww^
Radical Feminist Therapy: Working in the Context of Violence

Something to think about. He teaching your children contempt of you or that being laughed at by your significant other is normal and healthy in a marriage

Oh goodness Ginge, I've just read your updates and it's not you making him sound like he's not much of a catch, he's doing that all by himself.

The crying at your counselling sessions sounds like manipulation to me.

Also, if you're worried about your or your children's safety around him, even if it's just a niggle, then he's not a good man.

I don't say this lightly but please don't sacrifice your own life because you don't want to upset the manchild. By the sounds of it you would be just fine on your own with your boys where you're not having to put up with his 'jokes' or walking on eggshells around him so not to upset him in front of the kids.

OP, please start planning your exit via womans aid and legal advice.

You cannot seriously believe it is better for your children to be with him full-time than part time.

You are so wrong if you think that.
Get advice.

I think it would be a good idea for you to contact Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity to get some advice about keeping yourself and your children as safe as possible, especially if you are considering ending the relationship. The support from those who understand and have tools to deal with it will be invaluable for you

@Ginge88

you cannot debase yourself to live with this wanker because you're scared for your boys.

it won't be many more years before he's doing it to them too.

then it'll really break your heart & hurt that you didn't get them out of there when they were younger.

they need their mum, not a shadow of the woman she really is.

take the boys & get the fuck out, while you still recognise how shit he's making you feel. You AND the boys deserve better!

I haven’t read all the comments, but I’ve read all op’s updates, and a vile odious oik, shit in bed, just about covers it. The boys will end up just like him if this miserable, miserable, marriage continues.

Please do this and report back 😆

I'm sorry. That's a really difficult position to be in 💐

What a bastard 😠 I know he's not "done anything" physical but the fact that you're instinctively scared says a lot about his behaviour.

Sorry op posted before I’d read your update otherwise I’d have waited. As per my post kids know. I knew it’s horrid the bit about your makeup and your Mil really upset me a random man on the internet. The person who should have your back is saying that to you the mother of his children he’s bang out of order.

He needs to stop!

I think it would be better for the kids if you separate. They are learning that this atmosphere at home and this treatment of women are normal. That's a lot to unpick when they are older.

Are you worried about their safety if left alone with him?

There is but the opposite is also toxic. I heard my own dad comment on my lovely mums clothing choices,makeup and hair and it made me hate him.

My boys have been raised to appreciate there mum and we go shopping for birthdays where they can pick out items that they think she will love.

Me and my dad have reconciled but I’ll never truly forgive him. Which is sad.

Do NOT go to counselling with this man. These types of people are extremely manipulative and run rings around counsellors, as you have seen.

Be very sceptical of his 'insecurity' too. Martha Stout calls this 'the Pity Play' in her book 'the sociopath next door':

"“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."

I was with one for years and I recognise what he's doing. Get individual counselling with someone who specialises in abuse, because otherwise they may not spot it - you are covering for him well.

I did it too, because even though he was beating shit out of me on a regular basis, I felt sorry for him. He was so isecure and vulnerable, and I thought my love could heal him if only I could find the right way to get through to him.

But they don't want to heal. They only want to use and hurt you. And if you stay, he will either do the same to your children, or teach them to abuse you too. Or both.