To find this H comment annoying

Fucking hell Op! He needs to leave asap, your last update is fucking horrific!

Is the house in your name or joint?

Please leave him, if not for yourself but for your little ones.
I grew up in a household where things were said/done that have had a long lasting impact on at least 2 of us children.
Now I have children of my own I can’t imagine why my Dad, in my case didn’t stand up for himself and us.
Trying to keep the family together for the sake of the children with someone who belittles you, screams profanities in your face and things it’s funny to try and ‘rub off’ your make up when you have planned to go somewhere else is not going to do your children any favours long term.
Trauma can be long lasting and current research suggests that heightened stress responses etc felt by people can in fact be passed on to the next generation so they in turn can have heightened responses to thibgs without ever having had direct experience of any trauma, the best way to protect your children is to remove them from this situation and become the person you were always meant to be.

Reply with the same number and say that’s the 365 reason you aren’t getting a blow job

People that belittle like that don’t discuss. They just say ‘you have no sense of humour’ ‘It’s a joke’ You’re too sensitive’ and if you try to push for discussion, they’ll get angry and either start shouting or walk off ‘I can’t be bothered with this nonsense You’re crazy. You need help’
They belittle because it makes the other person feel belittled, demeaned, stupid and therefore makes them feel superior, clever, boosts their ego. They often have a fragile high self esteem and behave like this to boost themselves in their minds.

I remember with my ex, I got a future flash when he was 'joking' similarly at me that some day if I stayed, there would be a little kid laughing along with daddy taking the piss out of mummy and thinking it's ok to call her a stupid cunt. That chilled me and I knew in that moment, no matter how I loved him, I would be leaving him.
It's over 20 years ago and I got that little toddler in the end. Our house is full of teasing and pranks but underpinning that is respect towards each other. If a joke is hurtful, it's not a joke, and a sincere apology is offered.

You may find that as the boys get older, his 'humour' will be directed at them and will upset them. He'll probably expect that as boys, they should be tougher and in turn, learn to abuse people right back... banter eh? Or punish them for being "soft"

It's instances like this that you'd nearly pray for him to find an OW and leave isn't it? to be honest, men like that often do exactly that once they realise you won't put up with their shit - so pull him every time. Even just a mild "that's a mean thing to say" or "I don't deserve you speaking to me that way" or " not much of a comedian if that's your idea of a joke" and hold him to account... every time. Don't let him drag you in to a row, just walk away. If he has a go at you because you aren't taking his "jokes" tell him he's just not funny or attractive when he's mean. If he accuses you of not having a sense of humour, retort back that his brand of funny isn't humorous to you. Just be indifferent and don't engage. That extends to intimacy as well. Arsey jokes aren't a turn on so why would you want to shag someone who's spent most of the day talking to you like shit. Meanwhile start thinking and planning a strategy for life on your own with the DC.

I did that with the ex above. And within a couple of months, we were both split up. I'd been secretly lining up a place to live and getting my paperwork in order, he was secretly lining up the next gullible fool. I don't get much right in life but walking away from a man like this was the best thing I ever did.

Following with interest. My STBXH has a large public sector pension built up over 25 years whereas I have minimal pension and I have credit card debt. But I earn 3 x what he does. I really don't want to lose my home and hoping his pension is large enough to be a negotiating tactic - e.g. leave the hoise alone and ill leave your pension alone

Op you posted this 2days ago. Fuck his comments, concentrate on protecting your assets.

i have tried to talk to him about stuff before but it gets pretty wild pretty quickly.

Meaning what?

He's v loving and hands on with kids.

That's not a bonus that needs to be mentioned, that's basic parenting. I expect you're loving and hands on too.

Add in the fact that you're the higher earner and he's shit in bed, what's keeping you with him? I'm surprised you can bear to have sex with him at all. If you don't want to split maybe come to some arrangement where you have separate bedrooms and you take a lover.

He’s doing it because he knows that you’re too good for him and he wants you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll not leave him. It’s really sad. I could not put up with this.

This, along with all the other stuff you've said about him, makes me think he's bullying twat who simply doesn't like women. He's a misogynist. He literally doesn't want you to feel good about yourself.

Do you really want your sons growing up thinking it's normal for a man to patronise and humiliate his partner?

Honestly, from what you've said here - he is regularly unpleasant to you, he humiliates you, he acts as if he is superior to you in every way, he believes in awful conspiracy bullshit spouted by a literal rapist, and he's awful in bed. So he parents his kids and takes the bins out, big fucking deal. You've set yourself a very low bar here.

either:

"interesting - that's also the 356th step towards divorce this week!"

or, you sit him down, and earnestly tell him "when you do that, it makes me feel like shit. every time is another little bit of love/respect chipped away. at some point, there won't be anything left".

The fact that he becomes 'very angry' when you raise this with him tells all.
He thinks you should accept his contempt...and what's more, he'll bully you into doing so.

What an absolute wanker.

Although there’s been some brilliant and pithy suggestions made by other posters of how to hit back at him I kind of think it wouldn’t be the way to go. I think he’d step up and, as he’s clearly enough of a tosser to have started it, he’d just escalate it and get meaner. Have you tried to ask him, in a calm manner after one of his quips, why he does it? Is his intent to completely humiliate you? Bring you down a peg or two as you’re clearly the engine-room in the relationship? Is his self-esteem so low that that’s what he requires to make himself feel more of a man? Does he think this is a great example to his kids of how to treat his spouse?

I’d ask him in a wide-eyed curious way, as if you’re completely concerned for him. Make him think.

Also think yourself. Watch his reaction. And if you really think he’s not adjusting his behaviour and it’s not fixable, prep to leave.

What a tit! YANBU

You’re partner is controlling you. He’s doing it in such an insidious way that it’s taken you years to notice.
He doesn’t hit you, He’s not aggressive, BUT you are scared of him. Your sons will become just like him, I am trying to scare you now.
Next time he belittles you, start crying, get very upset and tell him that his constant criticism is too much.
If he’s a good person, he will feel bad and adjust his behaviour. If he’s a shit person, he’ll either laugh fat you more, or get aggressively defensive.
then you’ll know xx

He is belittling you.
He is showing you no respect.
He is using the bullys defence of "can't you take a joke?"
Would he behave like this to a colleague?

And next time he says "there's the 365th time" don't let him finish, tip a glass of water of his head, whoop "AND THERE WE HAVE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAGICAL 366TH TIME! WHAT A LAUGH WE ARE ALL HAVING"

Obviously don't do that. But maybe imagining doing it and laughing in his face will wipe that smirk off it.

Please think about how much better your life and your boys life will be if you can leave him

He can be nice and funny too!

That's part of the pattern of abuse, it's one of the tools he uses to keep you there. It's one of the tools he uses to make you doubt yourself. It's one of the tools he'll use in his narrative that you are the bad one, because he's the nice and funny one.

But I don't see a way to resolve it.

That's because there is no way to resolve it. His behaviour is working for him, he's not going to change that. Why should he, he's doing nothing wrong, he's funny and nice and you're the oversensitive one who can't take a joke and doesn't understand banter. Poor him.

It seems silly as its just small comments but there are a lot of them

Death by a thousand cuts. It doesn't seem silly to those of us who have been through similar behaviours with the same results. We hear you.

Please have a think about speaking to WA. Don't keep his behaviour a secret from your friends and family. This type of behaviour thrives in secrecy. There will be some who don't get it, they are the fortunate ones, but those who do will understand, and that is what you need right now, some understanding

A lot of people have suggested this, but what do you all think it will achieve?

If your relationship has reached the point where you are taking turns to sneer at and belittle the other, in order to score points and feel like you've 'won' - then your marriage is dead in the water. Just put it out of its misery and divorce, because it's a horrible way to live, and an awful example to set to kids.

God, you poor love.

My dad is similar to yours and it stays with you for a lifetime.

Maybe now is the time to start questioning more things. Maybe this thread will be the pinprick of light you see at the end of the tunnel. I hope you are able to leave him eventually.💐

It's horrible, start doing it back.

I have only read the OPs posts but it seems as though most pp are in agreement. He's a horrible person and not a good dad.

i don't want them (dc) to grow up in a house of conflict.
But you are okay for them to grow up in a house of abuse?
(And learning how to do it to others/learning to accept it when others abuse them)

You call him a good dad but then you say he plays with them and takes out the bins. WTAF? Playing with children does not equate to being a good parent otherwise schoolfriends would also be classed as parents. You need to open your eyes and actually look, because a good parent does not belittle their partner.

Look up emotional or mental abuse OP. Then get the hell out of there.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

I'd be saying to him, 'it doesn't matter if you think or tell yourself it's just banter. I don't have to see it that way, and I don't. It hurts. It makes me wonder why you are with me, and why I am with you. You have done it so much, I am thinking of looking into separating, and ultimately divorcing you. There is so much that I could say to you - as 'just bant's'. But I don't. Because it would be unkind and cruel, and even if I don't like a person, let alone love them, I don't want to needlessly hurt them.'

Also, I wouldn't be looking into mediation or counselling with him. Because he's an emotionally and verbally abusive bastard.

Hit back with some patter

if you want to finish him off for good say

“that saying is getting very old. You didn’t overcome abortion to dish out poor banter like that”